Sorry for the rant. I don't mean to lecture you. I am happy you have a happy relationship. I just like to make sure that when I see words used like "defenses" and "self-destructive" that the person really does know what they're doing.

i dont see it as a rant, but more as concern, and thank you. I have already had professional help for many years, and am now just stepping out fresh...taking my first step with trust/ a relationship/ letting someone know ect

self destructive in relationships and defenses were my way to push people away, now it is time to walk in the other direction....tentatively. My life has reached a fork where it is time to take another route and i hope for the better. These last almost 7 years alone, were a way for me to build myself and my self esteem/independance up, take in all i have learned through therapy, meditate, and decide. I am not looking for someone to Dominate me...to take care of me, or assure my safety, only i can do that, but honestly it is more the mystic, the challenge of His intellect and mine, the fact i grew up submissive and miss a part of it (although i didnt know D/s existed until a few months ago) and for some reason, the thrill of wanting to submit to Him...not just anyone, but Him. The fact He happens to be the first to experience with me, and for me to experience some facets many have experienced since childhood, or through first love ect just makes the moment more precious.