Ok, I am at the crossroad and have been for awhile now. I have spent the last 5 months analyzing what place this has or will have in my life. I have just now come to the realization that that I should just cut myself some slack.
I have tried to initiate this into vanilla relationships and have had no luck. In fact its gone encredibly wrong. I had tried to initiate it early into my relationship with my STBX. He wanted to sub all the time but he wanted to top from the bottom which was just ...infuriating. That is such a pain in the ass. I just wanted to tie him up with a ball gag and leave the house. Forever, even.
At any rate, I have finally decided that this is what I want and I can live with myself and that in the future I won't be settling for anything less than.