Finding that Dom..

[Cleo671]

In the last two years I've found myself arriving at a crossroads, but this is good in that I've fully realised that what I really want,desire,find suitable is a dominant male.
This is fine as it sounds to me but I do know that there is a lot more to it than that. So far the two qualities that are important are:
(i) Trust and respect.
(ii) A person that is comfortable enough within themselves to get inside my head, as I am always comfortable enough to learn new things about my partner.

Of course (as others do) I do have my personal preferences when it comes to attraction and what attracts me, but it's not so much a 'looks' based thing, it's more something that relates to someone being comfortable in their own skin as well as being fully aware of themselves personally and sexually.

So, I 'think' I'm on the right track, but I'm not sure as I find that many may say 'yes they are dominant' but somehow their idea of dominance (what I have found, and run away from) is more related to the 'ass slap' hetero vanilla variety, which isn't what it's about to me.

ideas, tips?

[GaryWilcox]

His mind: Look for intuitiveness and creativity. Remember the movie 'Gladiator'? (I'm such a pop culture geek!) Marcus A. talking to his son, confessing that he plans to end the line of emperors and return Rome to the people? His son talks about a letter Marcus sent him extolling the prime virtues of being an Emperor, and the son realizing he had none of these virtues.

Long-winded point being, choose someone who is uncomplicated in his relationship to his mother, and someone that values mercy as well as discipline; someone who wants you to be comfortable in your role as a sumbissive, instead of someone who just really hopes you'll screw up so you can be punished or humiliated.

His work: Be sure that he is competent at what he does and that he enjoys doing it. And that he is secure financially. If he's going to manage you, he'd damn well better manage his own affairs correctly. :: sigh :: (That last statement rules me out completely.)

His knowledge of being a Dominant and understanding that kind of relationship is important. I don't recommend 'building' a Dom. You will never be contented unless you know that they chose that role for themselves long before they met you.

Oh my God-- look for a sense of humor. Don't step into submission with a humorless man.

Don't bite at the first nibble. Wait until something right is presented, something you can value not by its simplicity or convenience, but by what it can add to your life and your character. Take time to know him, not just in roleplay but in how he relates to you, personally.

[MrJerseyGuy]

How do you find the right dom? I think its more about how do any of us find the right partner...Doms/subs alike. I was very lucky in my case. My girlfriend had been my best friend for years and knew every aspect of my sexual history because I am very open about things. She was somewhat inexperienced with anything outside of vanilla, but I think she saw me as a way to explore her fantasies because she knew me well enough to know that no suggestion would shock or offend me. Since we got into a sexual relationship, it has just been one fun new experience after another.

We keep taking it a little further every time. Its been a slow process...but very fun

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Just fond someone that works for you. Finding a dominant isn't any different than finding a lover. The questions are just different is all.

Just be careful and make sure they know what they're doing.

[Jones, Nikka]

Here are a few tips for you:

A real dominant does not have to proclaim that fact. He is quietly confident in a way that brooks no objection, because he has already taken care of your needs.

Anyone con be rough or severe or even violent but the right domminant can also be tender and careful. Remember, he is the one who is going to take care of you after that fearsome flogging you have been dreaming about.

He also knows when to lay off and let you be. As much as some of us fantasize about a 24/7 lifestyle, there are times when we can not or should not engage in bdsm. He can tell when those times are and is responsible about it.

Most important, remember that the right dom is going to make you happy in the long term. If anyone sounds or looks or feels like a short term prospect, re-evaluate what you really want.

Good luck!

[Cleo671]

Thanking you all for your replies. I hope this thread may be continued, where other women can post their perceptions as well (apart from me). I think a lot of women (and men) not only find it difficult to express their 'deepest' (maybe dark?) thoughts on what really makes them tick to people they meet, and in some cases one can get to know someone over a period of time and find that upon revealing those elements the dynamics might change for the positive or negative in some cases, and sometimes they unfortunately may come across people in the course of 'dating' etc, that often make out they are something they're not. So this post isn't essentially something I put up 'for me', but hopefully it can be useful for other women that have a similar outlook/preference.

I have come across people in the real world that might joke about the subject of BDSM or they associate it with 15 minutes in the 'sack' tying up their lover.. some people find it really 'weird'..there are different attitudes out there or sometimes it doesn't even come up in the conversation between friends, lovers and partners. As for my attitude to it all, the main thing is that it's something that requires a lot of self knowledge, coming face to face and being able to face one's inner desires. Depending on the person, those people that are 'afraid' or 'label' everything or just can't put their finger on why they aren't satisfied often are at a crossroads..or it's like they are directionless..

In the last few weeks..coming closer and closer to the 'realisation' of what I wanted, it has been like walking into
a different thought process which was effortless. It's like feeling immense relief, because I feel like I've ticked one thing off the list now, and I don't have to 'search' within myself.


It's important to be true to oneself in the end, whichever direction that leads.

so once again, thanks

[Jones, Nikka]

Originally posted by Cleo671
I think a lot of women (and men) not only find it difficult to express their 'deepest' (maybe dark?) thoughts ... and one can get to know someone over a period of time and find that upon revealing those elements the dynamics might change for the positive or negative in some cases...

I found that before taking the risk of opening that part of my being to scrutiny (and criticism) I had to take a very serious look at my own desires, needs and fantasies and decide if they were really me and wether or not I could live with someone without having them fullfilled.

There are so many considerations in choosing a mate other than bdsm compatibility. We all want perfection but part of being a grown up is to be able to make compromises. The real question was which compromises I could live with. Some of us may get lucky, some may not but we all have to live our own life.

Not much help in your quest, I'm afraid, but at least it will encourage you to remember that you are never alone.