True Control

[DJade]

“Control is an illusion. The only real control is self control.” That is the premise of one of the lessons I teach my subs. And yet, we dominants strive for control so much, we do not tend to see it for what it truly is- a gift. A gift from our subs to us. A gift that must be earned, and which, once in our hands, translates into a trust that must never be betrayed.
It all starts with integrity. BDSM is partly about mutual need. Dom/mes need to dominate, subs need to submit. We all yearn for one or the other. We all flounder helplessly about, seeking for that which we need, until such time as we happen to make a connection. Maybe it happens by design, maybe by chance. But one thing is certain. It is the sub who holds the control then and not the dom/me. Once an initial connection is established, each looks for compatibility in the other. A sub may be attracted to a specific gender of dom/me, or looks, or strength, or intrigue, but what every sub wants from their dom/me more than anything else- is integrity. Because a dom/me with integrity can be trusted to have their subs’ best interests at heart. To comport themselves in such a way as to not harm that which they seek to control. To lay down the all-important foundation of friendship, love and trust on which every relationship, regardless of type, must be built. If a BDSM relationship does not start with integrity, it is doomed to fail. For those crucial steps cannot be skipped. The foundation must be strong.
For many of us, BDSM is not a game. It is a way of life. And in so being, it is like many endeavors in that one must constantly seek to learn and grow. Dominants must lay aside their pride and egos and remain open to growth so they can become better at dominating. And subs must lay aside their pride and fears in order to empower their owners to use the gifts of control and trust that they have so faithfully placed in their hands. In this way a submissive can also learn and grow, ideally in conjunction with their dominant partner.
Once the dominant is in possession of the control, they must use it wisely, or it can be ripped away at a moment’s notice. If it IS used wisely, love develops, and it is this love that helps secure the control in the dominants hands. Not due to power or manipulation, but because it has been earned through mutual courtesy, trust and respect. It is this love that can render the submissive helpless. It is the false dominant who takes advantage of this love and uses it only for personal gain. But the real dominant shares this love and treasures it for the incredible gift that it is, never abuses it and always acts with honor and in the best interest of their submissive. The real dominant vows to hold that precious heart in their hands and keep it safe, even from themselves.
A submissives position is always one of danger. If their actual physical health is not at risk, their heart is. It is a brave thing indeed to hand over one’s control, trust and heart. Who is it then who is truly the boldest, the dom/me or the sub? Who is it then who has the real control? Control may be an illusion, but it is real. The question is, do those of us who hold it, deserve it?
Let us all continue to learn, grow and love.

[denuseri]

In a word: WOW

[DJade]

Thanks, denu! *smiles*

[moco]

I really like your view on this. It was one of the first things I learned about BDSM, the truth that submissives are the ones with the true control. This is a beautiful post DJ. and I agree with Denuseri "WOW"! Thank you

[love2serve]

OMG! DJade, the words you have written should be read by ALLl dom/mes and subs - they are so very beautiful and so, so true. Thank you.

[silverwind{MN}]

omg.. Mistress, You do have my heart and thank You for taking such good care of it.. and "wow" seems to echo with this one post so i will just do that again. its been 2 days shy of 7 months now and i would not have missed it for anything <3 thank You Ma'am for being there at the right time for me and teaching me all that You have.. i don't know were this journey is taking me but i am sure enjoying the the trip
love You

[DJade]

Thank you, moco and l2s and I am glad you enjoyed it!

[DJade]

Thank you, shy wolf. It has been a wondrous journey indeed and you have taught me things as well. I would not have traded this time for anything!

[silverwind{MN}]

*hugs tight*

[sinful_desires {Nikon}]

Wow indeed!. Beautifully written. Thank you

[Mistress Sandy]

This was thoroughly thought.I really enjoyed reading it,DJade.Very informative.

[DJade]

Thanks, sinful desires!

[DJade]

Thank you, Sandy!

[fetishdj]

A lot of truth there. Control is not taken it is indeed given.

[dewran59]

So True and Thank you...

[LadyAznTiger13]

Your feelings echo so beautifully in this, my lady. How lucky your little ones are to have someone who understands their needs so fully. =]

*bows low*

[werbored]

well stated

[markus_valtion]

beautiful. so pure and inspiring. i thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[clipcrop]

I really like your view on this. It was one of the first things I learned about BDSM, the truth that submissives are the ones with the true control. This is a beautiful post DJ. and I agree with Denuseri "WOW"! Thank you

~smile. This is something that I have always preached.

[tastychococakes]

absolutely awesome! thank you for that, it's very touching.

[Zarine13]

This was one of the first things I remember reading.

Beautiful post!

[arden]

indeed, love is the most powerful tool that a Dom/me might weild... but so many are in a hurry, that this bond doesnae git a chance to form. profound trust is what it takes to let go fer a sub, and realy, it willnae 'appen if a submissive feels unvalued, or unloved, because then it is a sure bet that whatever Dominant it is, will end up causein' injury weather bodily or mentally. a great deal o' wisdome written here, and one would hope that others readin' might take a look at the way they deal in relations and carry themselves. fer, just as it is important fer a submissive to carry themselves wi' strengeth and dignity, it is crutial fer a Dom/me to to the same. i think ye greatly fer writin' this, as it is another voice aidin' in what i try to teach others.

yer wild gypsy,

[DJade]

indeed, love is the most powerful tool that a Dom/me might weild... but so many are in a hurry, that this bond doesnae git a chance to form. profound trust is what it takes to let go fer a sub, and realy, it willnae 'appen if a submissive feels unvalued, or unloved, because then it is a sure bet that whatever Dominant it is, will end up causein' injury weather bodily or mentally. a great deal o' wisdome written here, and one would hope that others readin' might take a look at the way they deal in relations and carry themselves. fer, just as it is important fer a submissive to carry themselves wi' strengeth and dignity, it is crutial fer a Dom/me to to the same. i think ye greatly fer writin' this, as it is another voice aidin' in what i try to teach others.

yer wild gypsy,

Thank you so much! Perhaps we should combine forces!
D'Jade

[DJade]

A lot of truth there. Control is not taken it is indeed given.

:-)

[DJade]

So True and Thank you...

You are quite welcome!

[DJade]

So True and Thank you...

My pleasure!

[DJade]

Your feelings echo so beautifully in this, my lady. How lucky your little ones are to have someone who understands their needs so fully. =]

*bows low*

What a lovely response. Thank you so much!

[DJade]

beautiful. so pure and inspiring. i thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you, markus. Your response touches me.

[ffion]

DJade,

...If a BDSM relationship does not start with integrity, it is doomed to fail. For those crucial steps cannot be skipped. The foundation must be strong.

i wholeheartedly agree... i count myself among the fortunate group to have a Master who has demonstrated integrity from our first meeting. for that reason i feel a deep commitment to him, as my Master, and as my Friend.

...The real dominant vows to hold that precious heart in their hands and keep it safe, even from themselves.

this brought a little tear... sentimental subbie!

true submissives are vulnerable and loving by nature - this is my humble opinion. in their desire to submit, some may attract unworthy recipients of that submission, and place their vulnerable heart in unworthy hands.

i hope your excellent post inspires any selfish "Dom(me)s" to look closely at their motivations and behaviour, and value the gift they are freely given.

Thank You for sharing!

[DJade]

werbored, clipcrop, tastychococakes, Zaine13,

Thank you all so much!