BDSM searches a question?

[DomCt2002]

Trying to find a Partner in the lifestyle in your own are is a pain in the ass. Other then posting a personal ad or chatting in chat rooms online, and people being afraid to meet you, what else can you do.? I kno wthere are munches I don't attend timming is wrong for me, then there are ALT and Bondage and CollarMe.com, and on all of them the female subs play and tease but never meet. The reasons go from distance, to you married to I am scared to who knows what so all ya do is chat and play online.
The Question is what is the best way of meeting a partner for BDSM play othe rthen the above stuff?
Is There a better chatroom or a better way to go?

[gemmy]

Good question, one I can't answer personally but I'm anxious to hear the responses.

I might add that yes, your being married might be a bigger hurdle to get over than most and that reason alone I doubt has anything to do with BDSM. Many people want someone who they have all to themselves and not have to share

Good luck!

[thepast]

Ahhh the eternal "where ARE the real people?" question. Sadly, you aren't going to like the answer because it means a lot more work on your part...

Just some ideas to think about & food for thought...

Good partners are hard to find. Period. Look r/l, look o/l, they are just hard to find. Why? Because, generally, the good ones tend to hook up quickly and stay hooked. Why? Because they genuinely know what they want, they treat the relationship with respect, and they seek out what they want in great detail and with patience. Finding the right partner isn't easy--there's absolutely no easy way to find them. You can go to all the munches in the world, you can go onto every single bdsm site online. But the only thing you are going to see is much of the same. What you have to do is LEGWORK.

God, the dreaded word, I know. When people suggest that you should talk to people in chat, or meet people around here, it isn't because this site lives in a vaccum and the only good people are here. No, it's because in order to really find that "good match," you have to do the legwork to sift through potential matches.

You also have to be honest with yourself. What exactly are you looking for? O/l only? A combination? How much interaction would you want with this partner? Just the computer? The phone? Pictures? Cam? How much private information are you willing to divulge? How much time a day are you willing to devote to this relationship? Notice, I haven't even MENTIONED kink yet. Why? Because kink is adaptable for the most part: it's the "real life" factors that tend to make relationships fail (lack of communication, trust, clear boundaries, etc).

Also, what is good for you isn't necessarily good for someone else. What I would look for in a partner would be something different then what you would look for. So it isn't that everyone is out there and is crap--it's that a lot of people just haven't found that "perfect partner" that works for them.

Be realistic. No one is going to fit into every single one of your "parameters" or fit every thing on your wish list... it just isn't going to happen unless lightening strikes. So know which things you are willing to give up or are flexible with, as well as those things that are absolute necessities. And, most of all, be HONEST with yourself about those... sometimes people will close their eyes to potential issues with a partner because "otherwise they are good..." all that this will do is lead to problems down the road.

When you talk to anyone on this site, minus folks that were vanilla married before coming into the lifestyle, you will see a lot of folks who met by chance, or by networking, or just by being patient. But something you will see common to EVERYONE is the following: ask them, "tell me about the others"... the others being their previous partners in lifestyle. And undoubtably, you will be regaled with PLENTY of stories... enough to fill a few books, and definitely dozens of threads. Why? Because part of this process is simply leg work. You have to go through partners before finding The One--it's much like vanilla dating... some people get lucky & find the One on the first try... most however end up spending many yrs dating & looking. It's the nature of the beast.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

I agree with Gem here. I personally would not go after a Dom who was married, because I would want someone who could focus all his attention onto me. I'm selfish that way. I had enough of a difficult time with Doms who had other subs besides myself. So I would not be able to deal with the Dom having a wife as well. This is just my opinion, however. I'm sure there are subs out there who have no problem being with a married man. I am not one of those subs.

[cadence]

Just to clarify I don't think he was saying he was married. I think he was saying that the people he was meeting were.
That was my take on it, or maybe I am wrong

However what delia said, I don't think it can be said any better than that.

For me though, I think when you start to look to hard, you don't find anything, it's when you sit back and stop trying to look so hard, that is when the people you seek start showing up.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

I agree with you there, Cadence. After my divorce I had no intentions whatsoever of becoming seriously involved again with another man. I wasn't purposefully looking and that's when Master showed up. I didn't have a resigned thought about it, like "Oh, I'm never going to find anyone for me, so I might as well give up." For me it was more like, "I don't really want a man in my life right now, so I'm not going to even start looking for one." And then I found Him. Funny how that works out.

[Ozme52]

delia has a good point, it takes work to find partners. Whether vanilla or lifestyle, you get out of it what you put into it.

It's like the concept of 'you get what you pay for.' If you're cheap on words and time, you get wannabes, teases, and the fearful. If you're generous with your words and time, the quality people will become interested in meeting you and thereafter, the proof is in the pudding. If you are what you appear to be, you will have some amazing people.

[snowflake]

delia has a good point, it takes work to find partners. Whether vanilla or lifestyle, you get out of it what you put into it.

It's like the concept of 'you get what you pay for.' If you're cheap on words and time, you get wannabes, teases, and the fearful. If you're generous with your words and time, the quality people will become interested in meeting you and thereafter, the proof is in the pudding. If you are what you appear to be, you will have some amazing people.

I agree with you .. i don't like playing and lose interest fast in ones that just play on line and go slap slap on your knees and do me....sorry not my thing..

But someone that puts effort in both play and posting and advising gets my full attention and makes it interesting enough that yes.. there is that kind of feeling i would like to meet them... and have met a few people such as Doms that way...

Another suggestion i can make is to get knowing in the r/l circle.. Munches are good .. the parties and seeing how you respond there are better .. and the private parties that you may get invited to are even better for finding someone.... I know i have seen this over the years...

Just my opinion

hugs
snow

[denuseri]

i got lucky i met my owner and his wife in a club yrs ago, (not a bdsm club) a kinda rave/ goth bar, he had her on a leash, they were both gothed out so it wasnt really strange for her to be on the leash, what made them stand out to me was more how they acted, very casual, yet she was obviously his in more ways than a vanilla one, it was just the way she moved as if preforming for him the way he sat at the bar and she stood there, allowing him to lead her around etc, very stiring within me, idk why i was just kinda drawn to them

basically it was pure chance, though i might say there are a higher precentage of people in the goth/punk scene that share this way of life or at least it seems that way to me, i also know there are a lot of people that are not into that subclulture and would probably disagree,

other than bdsm relationships that introduced other bdsm relationships to me (some of which were at fetish balls etc, though none from a "munch as i have never attended one), i would have to say it was pure chance on my part

[_ID_]

I found my partner going to the local munch. I've met others from sites like this one, or from MDS. I've never had a successful meet from the collar/bondage/alt sites.

[thrall]

hhhmm......not sure if i should give and answer to this..........

[_ID_]

hhhmm......not sure if i should give and answer to this..........

You can, just don't give names.... how you went about it is what he is looking for.

[fetishdj]

I agree with you there, Cadence. After my divorce I had no intentions whatsoever of becoming seriously involved again with another man. I wasn't purposefully looking and that's when Master showed up. I didn't have a resigned thought about it, like "Oh, I'm never going to find anyone for me, so I might as well give up." For me it was more like, "I don't really want a man in my life right now, so I'm not going to even start looking for one." And then I found Him. Funny how that works out.

In my experience this is exactly how it works. Certainly in vanilla dating and it seems to work the same in scene dating. I have a theory for it from the point of view of men (not sure it it works the same for women in the same position). The theory is: Women can smell desperation and it puts them off. When you are single and looking they cannot be found anywhere - they flee your desperation (and all single men are desperate, even if only to a tiny extent). Once you have someone that desperation wears off and suddenly you are having to turn away women...

Better ways to meet subs in BDSM sites? Hmmmm... not sure there is other than the good old fashioned be patient. Also, play the percentages. The more people you talk to, the more chances there are of one of them making a connection that is significant. I think the trick is to just talk and not even allow any hint of wanting them to be a sub to even enter the conversation, at least not until you know them better and they know you and you know they like you.

I have to say that I think that munches are by far the best place to meet people in the scene - better than play parties (because everyone is 'in costume' and may be more intimidating/intimidated and so not in the best situation to make friends) and better than online sites because you can see thier face and therefore thier expressions and that gives a better sense of trust. In a munch you know everyone is a scene person, you are in a comfortable environment, everyone is dressed vanilla and you can concentrate on personality and friendship rather than what fetishes you have (though you can discuss them too...).

Of course, I also understand the not being able to go to munches due to timings. I also have that problem. Is there room for another munch in your area? Maybe you could organise one at a time that suits you?