Online (vs) Reallife

[Brosco]

Ok, please don't groan about this topic being raised yet again. I had just made a reply to post in another forum and thought that some here may be interested in my thoughts. My apologies to those that think the topic has been dealt with enough times already.

I have had r/l and online relationships, and am currently in an online situation. This topic is debated all over the net and its always refreshing to see some new and interesting thoughts. Of course, there will always be those that have never tried online and are still able to condemn it, just as some that have never been r/l try to convince us that their online is just as 'real'.

First let me explain how our online relationship is conducted. We do use emails and IMs for some communication, but apart from extra assignments I may issue, our D/s life is over an Internet phone. (Products like Skype, Firefly, Yahoo voice, etc).

Online (vs) reallife should not be directly compared. Its apples and oranges, but they both grow on trees and come under the broad title of 'fruit'. One person may prefer apples over oranges, but that doesn't give a right to condemn someone that prefers oranges. I have been in the fortunate position of enjoying both

Online is very different to reallife. With the limitation of no physical contact, other senses tend to improve. Just like a blind person's other senses develop because of lack of sight, in online the use of voice and the mind become the focus and in my experience, with wonderful results.

Obviously, those that rely the most heavily on the physical side of D/s would have much more difficulty than those that receive their enjoyment from the challenge of Control and submission via the mind. Clearly, online would not be for everyone, but for some, the mental aspect is all that is required to have a satisfying relationship.

In fact, I will go so far as to say, for me, that after going from a r/l situation to online I learnt much more about my own and my sub's mindset without the distraction of the physical. It is a very rewarding experience. It is very challenging to get inside another's head this way, and just as many subbies get their satisfaction from the struggles they must endure, I get my satisfaction from the control I can have through the mind and the challenges I face to achieve that control. lol.. it is not so hard to get control back of a subbie in r/l when she gets one of her feisty moods, it often takes little more than a few swats to her butt - but online it is a mental challenge to regain that control and can be a lot of fun

My particular kink is Orgasm, tease denial and control, cum-on-demand, etc. And yes, even cum-on-demand can be taught in an online environment, especially if you have the voice capability via an internet phone. Although I don't usually have this sort of play on IM, as an experiment one time I did type to a subbie that had learnt cum-on-command: 'No questions, no hesitation, just open your mind and hear my voice and "Cum for me Now!". And yes it worked!

OK, I am sure there will be skeptics that don't believe she really did cum and that she just claimed she did so. Well, for those that have been in healthy online relationships, they fully understand the importance of trust and honesty. I have no reason to believe that she would lie about this, nor would she have had any reason to do so. Online is not about roleplay. For most of us it is a real D/s relationship with real tasks, real actions and real results. We many be somewhat limited in some of the physical tasks that can be achieved, but if they aren't particularly important to your kink, its not a major loss.

For those that come online because of a non-understanding vanilla relationship, I feel for you. I do agree with others, that if the spouse does not know of the relationship there is an element of cheating involved, but on the other hand, I also understand that this 'cheating' may be saving a marriage by satisfying a demanding need. It must be quite a dilemma for some, and while I would prefer to see a situation where the spouse knows of and condones the online play, I can also understand those that have a spouse that would never be able to comprehend the importance of this release. My very sincere wishes to anyone struggling through this.

There are many reasons why people choose online, and the above is just one of them. Just as there are many different reasons why some prefer apples over oranges.

Brosco

[Aesop]

Groan.

Teasing Brosco. Like you I enjoy both the online and the r/l sides of bdsm and find the rewards different, but equal in intensity. This surprised me when I started playing online because like many I just didn't see how it would work. Glad I took the time to find out I was wrong.

[Tojo]

Nice one Brosco. The day we don't see snide comments about the insignicance of online relationships will be the time threads such as this are no longer required.

I don't lie awake too much worrying about what people think, but as with many things, I don't like to see new & inexperienced people getting one side of an argument.

I have a 'straight' wife who I love very much, but who isn't there for me in this part of my life. I can do a few days of R/L play with someone from overseas, but if I had a regular R/L thing I'd be tempted to cheat, which isn't OK in my book.

So true that it's different. There's nothing like actually tying someone's hands behind their back, but you miss so much in my opinion. That's just me- we're all different. Imagine have an online thing & being illiterate?
Imagine being lacking in imagination?
What if you had a bad memory? (Oh no, I forgot the nipple clamps, she's been wearing them all day)

It's not for everyone- my dream girl & I had a bit of a go at an online D/s thing & it was hopeless. It's a special thing between two people, whether online or R/L. I guess if my wife kicks me out for talking to women so much I'll go to the States & try the R/L thing- that's why she's my dream girl.

I'd still have my girls online though.


Tojo

[katie_21]

Ok, well I don't have much of an opinion on this one because I haven't really experienced either one. But I'm just assuming that R/L would be more fun lol

[Ozme52]

Online is great for getting to know people, just as it was in the days of written correspondance and packet ships and more recently pen pals... but there is no doubt about it in my mind.

Real life is necessary for a truely satisfying relationship.

[katie_21]

Yes I agree Ozme52...online is a great way to get to know someone...IF they are being honest that is.

[Ozme52]

You can usually tell if you don't rush in... using the same skills you would if you were introduced by a mutual friend, went on a blind date, met at a bar or social engagement, or even an exchange of words and looks in the park. LOL

Online is simply another venue for meeting people. The honest ones and the trolls.

[katie_21]

Yes, I know all about the trolls now lol

[Ozme52]

LOL... if you weren't quite so young... I might go trolling... er fishing for a hook-up.

[katie_21]

oh trust me Oz...you wouldn't want to troll...fish for me lol

[Ozme52]

LOL


Now, don't think Heather and I were stealing Brosco's thread.

We were just demonstrating some online intercourse. *weg*

[Brosco]

Hey Ozme, if i thought you were stealing my thread I would just start another, I love the sound of my own voice too much to allow to shut me up

Brosco

[Brosco]

Ok, well I don't have much of an opinion on this one because I haven't really experienced either one. But I'm just assuming that R/L would be more fun lol

Well heather, this is just the whole point, you can't assume that for all. My situation is a bit more obtuse, so let me describe fantassy's. She has gone back to college for studies for a better future and its damned demanding, but to help subsidise this, she also works part time. She really has no time in her life for a fulltime b/f, let alone a demanding dom. Online suits fantassy just now, its something she can schedule with the rest of her busy life, she would not be able to schedule a r/l dom, and so her choices are limited to online or pass it all up. Which would you pick?

For my own reasons, I am also happy just to be online right now, and so we both provide each other a need without pushing past what we are capable of giving.

Its ideal for us and most importantly, it works for us.

Now, if we didn't have other reallife constraints, would we prefer to be doing this together in R/L? To be honest, I haven't a clue, because that is not something we even discuss since its not a real option. fantassy is like you, new and learning, but she is fitting this in with the rest of her busy schedule, but experiencing a bit of 'hands on' training and I try my best not to steal extra time to impact her studies. From what I can see, if fantassy is serious about maintaining her studies (and I know she is) her choices were online or nothing. So in that context, online is definitely heeps more fun

Brosco

[Tojo]

LOL... if you weren't quite so young... I might go trolling... er fishing for a hook-up.

Hmm, I see someone likes to live dangerously?

What's a weg anyway Oz?

Tojo

[Brosco]

weg: Wicked Evil Grin

[katie_21]

Yes Brosco, if it was between online or nothing...I'd pick online

[submissivewife]

Hmm, I see someone likes to live dangerously?

What's a weg anyway Oz?

Tojo

uummmmm guys....no fighting over the girls. Play nice!

[katie_21]

Well, I'm pretty sure Oz was just making a joke. But there's definately nothing to fight over here lol.

[Tojo]

uummmmm guys....no fighting over the girls. Play nice!

No I meant he might get bitten by Heather....



Tojo

[submissivewife]

OHHHH So we have another biter around here..........

[katie_21]

Yes, I do bite....but not to hard lol

[submissivewife]

Be careful, there are some here that do........*giggle*

[Ozme52]

Lol

[Ruby]

Real life is necessary for a truely satisfying relationship.

That’s not true for me.

I have a very satisfying relationship with my long distance pet.

And yes, we have met and played in real life.

Even with time constraints and distance, we have managed to keep our relationship very much alive and blossoming.

Sometimes the online/phone/messenger relationships can be more satisfying than a real life one. Why? Cause it can be as uncomplicated as the partners choose to make it. In a fantasy relationship, we are free to be ourselves at any age, always looking our best, in our best mood, etc.

It is definitely apples and oranges to try to compare each relationship. It’s a wonderful thing to have so many options from which to choose.

If we - in general as a community - can find what works best for us as individuals and not judge others for what works for them, the more open and able to learn we can be.

[Tojo]

Online is great for getting to know people, just as it was in the days of written correspondance and packet ships and more recently pen pals... but there is no doubt about it in my mind.

Real life is necessary for a truely satisfying relationship.

Oh Oz, I respectfully disagree with that!

weg: Wicked Evil Grin

Thanks for the enlightenment Brosco, sorry I missed that before, that darn Heather distracted me.

Yes I get a huge amount of fulfillment & satisfaction from my online relationships. In fact my dream girl just got a web cam....
There's also another young lady I know who looks just beautiful on my screen & sounds lovely on the phone.

Of course I'm married as well to a sexy 'straight' woman- maybe that helps? I wouldn't want to go for a day without spending some online time though- my life would be barren without it.

Tojo

[Brosco]

Oh Oz, I respectfully disagree with that!

Let me stand beside you Tojo. Anyone who follows our O-on-demand thread can see (i hope) that fantassy and I are having a very fulfilling relationship. We are both providing what the other needs at this point in time, without additional complications. Now, whether either of us will require more in future is not the issue, but for now, fantassy provides all that I want from a relationship, and I strongly suspect that she requires no more also.

At one stage in my life (I am fossil material), we relied on radio (wireless) for our entertainment, then TV came along. In relationships we relied on physical presence, but then the internet came along. Now, I still listen to the radio and still like physical contact, but I certainly don't dismiss the new 'media' as inferior.

In reallife we have to accept compromises. but on the net, we can let our fantasies run free. Fantassy and I haven't even exchanged photos or even descriptions, let alone using a webcam - we just enjoy the interaction of the mind without any hangups from the physical world. I don't suggest that this would work for all, but for both of us, it is all we need to provide a very satisfying relationship for both of us.

Brosco

[fantassy]

In reallife we have to accept compromises. but on the net, we can let our fantasies run free. Fantassy and I haven't even exchanged photos or even descriptions, let alone using a webcam - we just enjoy the interaction of the mind without any hangups from the physical world.
Brosco

I hear that cute Aussie accent and keep picturing an older Patrick Rafter in my mind, but Brosco informed me this weekend he looks more like Hugh Jackman. . ..lol

fantassy

[katie_21]

I can relate to hearing that cute Aussie accent fantassy

[Ozme52]

That’s not true for me.

I have a very satisfying relationship with my long distance pet.

And yes, we have met and played in real life.

Even with time constraints and distance, we have managed to keep our relationship very much alive and blossoming.

Sometimes the online/phone/messenger relationships can be more satisfying than a real life one. Why? Cause it can be as uncomplicated as the partners choose to make it. In a fantasy relationship, we are free to be ourselves at any age, always looking our best, in our best mood, etc.

It is definitely apples and oranges to try to compare each relationship. It’s a wonderful thing to have so many options from which to choose.

If we - in general as a community - can find what works best for us as individuals and not judge others for what works for them, the more open and able to learn we can be.

I'll have to discount your basis of disagreeing with me Ruby. You've described a real life relationship, albeit a long distance one (LDR). Because you have indeed "met and played in real life." I had a wonderful LDR, lasting 11 years. In some ways an LDR can be better, Many people who tend to bicker don't during an LDR, the times together are too important to waste on fighting... and the reasons to fight don't even crop up... being most people bicker about petty annoyances that just don't happen during those rare times together.

[Ozme52]

Hmm, I see someone likes to live dangerously?

Tojo

But how is a real life meeting with someone you originally meet online any more dangerous than going home with someone you meet at a bar, or a party, or a mixer?

In the U.S. alone, 50 million of us use the internet. That's 1 in 6 (inclusive of everyone... regardless of access to or availability of a computer) That's extremely high odds that most of us are safe. I've always contended that this is just the newest venue for meeting people... as well as keeping in touch thereafter.