How to get the wife to consider

[biggmangreg]

I have always had an intrest in BDSM that at times, bordered on obsession. Had my first mind blowing experience at 17 and a few very vanilla encounters over the years. My wife of 5 years has no idea. I am looking for suggestions to ease her into the idea. Books? Movies? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

[Ozme52]

Depends on whether you want to be the dom or the sub... The approach is highly dependent on this first and foremost. IMO

[biggmangreg]

I would definitely say dominant.

[Tojo]

Be easier if you wanted to be the sub IMO!

Here's a book recommended to me -jay wisemans for beginners s/m 101
Never seen it myself.

My suggestion, being in a similar situation- after 18 years of marriage, my wife has a passing interest on occasion...is to take it real slow.

I guess you could bring it up while watching some movie like 'The secretary', 'Nine & a half weeks' or something.

If you don't mind me asking- how can you be married 5 years & not have some idea of how kinky she is? Haven't you ever played with ice cubes, or rubber gloves? Never said 'I'll tie you to the bed & have my wicked way with you my pretty' in your best evil voice?

Ever tried holding her wrists while you play with her? That can give some indication of what she's into.

Keep it light & fun, & you may have some hope- you may also end up having to settle for 'straight sex' for the rest of your life.....

Good luck.

Tojo

[biggmangreg]

Handcuffs once or twice, sextoys on a fairly regular basis...but I guess I never really considered this as BDSM. Even so...I think she does it to pacifiy me...except the toys...she does love the toys.

[submissivewife]

Handcuffs once or twice, sextoys on a fairly regular basis...but I guess I never really considered this as BDSM. Even so...I think she does it to pacifiy me...except the toys...she does love the toys.

What gal wouldn't love her toys?
Oh excuse me carry on everyone.....

[Ozme52]

I agree Toj, hence my "leading" question. It's a hell of a lot easier to ask a 'nilla person to be dominant than to ask them to be submissive. Especially if you want any kind of punishment included, whether verbal, physical, or some form of restraint.

[Tojo]

I agree Toj, hence my "leading" question. It's a hell of a lot easier to ask a 'nilla person to be dominant than to ask them to be submissive. Especially if you want any kind of punishment included, whether verbal, physical, or some form of restraint.

Oh I can sure vouch for that Oz! SO true....


Tojo

[VixeyandPhoenix]

A movie like the Secretary is a great idea, it can give you an opportunity to wax on the romantic side of BDSM. Also, if you remember in the totally unrelated movie, Along Came Polly, when the best friend character tells Ben Stiller to give Polly a swat on the behind during sex. This is a great entry. If she reacts poorly then you can just say that you were very caught up in the moment, if she reacts well then you can do it again...

...and to say it in plain english, take it slow. I can hardly think of a girl that I did not put into a submissive postion, but it was never intentional. It is just my "thing" to hold a girl down, or give her a swat, 65% of the time, it works every time.

Nothing will get you where you want to be quicker than open and honest communication. It's kind of like asking directions to an unfamiliar place. Try out some suggestions here and then after you and your lady have finished, ask her how she felt about it. There is a stigma in straight society, I am sure that no one here really likes to think there is, but that is a fact. Let her know that this is what you want and if she were game, it would allow your love to blossom into a whole new level.

If she is not game then my heart goes out to you my friend. You may just have to deny your inner cravings or make an even more difficult decision. I hope that it all works out well. Keep us updated.

[Brosco]

Many years ago, well before the net let us know that we weren't weirdo's but practising a healthy lifestyle, it was extremely difficult (for me anyways) to bring up my interests in this area.

I was astounded with one new g/f of about 3 months when I suggested a bit of bedroom bondage she not only quickly accepted, but told me that when she is helpless she should be fisted. Our D/s relationship quickly sorted itself out

[bunkerchief]

Maîtresse, Mano Destra, Romance, The Piano Teacher, The Night Porter and a comedy Preaching To The Perverted. I guess La Belle De Jour also fits up to a point. The French make this sort of film so well and don't have to kow tow to censorship by the moral majority or other puritanical social elements.

You might also consider looking at Empire Of The Senses and In The Realm Of The Senses, while not exactly bdsm, they are about sexual obsession and could do very well at leading into a discussion about such things as bdsm and D/s inparticular.

Oh. And just to give you the hibbie-jibbies, you might find Base Moi and The Audition (Japanese), they are worth looking at just to let you know what you might be letting yourself in for when you tangle with a woman. LOL

[Warbaby1943]

If going slow doesn't do the trick you may have to resign yourself to the fact, as I did, that she just isn't at all interested in BDSM. I hope that isn't the case for you but I lived/am living through it.

This site helps one realize that it isn't all that uncommon to be in that type of relationship. My wife used to let me tie her up or she would tie me up until we finished having sex. That wasn't what I was looking for but that was all she was willing to participate in. I have accepted that and believe she is well worth giving up my BDSM desires to remain married to her. You may have to make the same choice some day.

I'm sure she would still do those things but they just don't cut it any more for me. In my mind I need more and she will not even discuss anything beyond the tying up stages. Just plain won't discuss it. But I made my choice and I'm not complaining, just stating fact, as I see it.

[Krechet]

Well, all right. I'll tell you how I got to have an honest and open conversation about BDSM with my g/f. There is a show on HBO late night called Real Sex. My g/f and her sister saw it by accident (they have TiVo and it recorded it as a suggested pic). My g/f told me about it and I acquired the whole season. There are a lot of kinky things in this show. Anything from filming your own porn to ponyplay to underwater fetish, etc. Since my g/f saw it first she didn't mind watching the rest of the episodes with me. That planted the seed, so to say. After finishing this show we started regularly watching porn and porn like videos together. Nina Hartley's Guide to sexual submission was great. Some other things along those lines were great too. In this process I told her that I was into a lot of kinky stuff but didn't tell her exactly what. As you can imagine it scared her a bit every time, but I guess it was more her own "i'm a bad person for liking this" than what it actually was. Finally after about a year and a half of this stream of information I got her to do something that was my goal from the get go: to look up information on her own. She used wikipedia and looked up the defenition of submissive behavior and then sent me an e-mail with her interpretation of it, what she liked, what she didn't like. After that we talked a lot about what we would like to do with our interests.

In any case I think giving information about it is great. Especially as well put together as aforementioned videos and shows. Good luck to you.

[jennjenn]

hi ... i think that perhaps if you were to observe to see if she displays submissive behaviour unintentionally eg ... likes to be on her knees when giving blowjobs, or her favourite positions ... then she would be open to communication about it ... speaking personally the term bdsm scared the hell out of me ... until i realized that i didnt have to crave being whipped to be submissive ... start with verbal commands and she how she responds to them ... play a little and then have that conversation and encourage her to learn as much as possible about it. i hope this made a bit of sense =) good luck