Tolerance

[BDSM_Tourguide]

The American Heritage Dictionary's first definition of tolerance is 'The capacity for or the practice of recognizing and respecting the beliefs or practices of others.' So, what does that mean? Does that mean everyone must accept every other person's quirks, beliefs or lifestyles as their own? Not at all. It simply means that people should try to understand the perspectives from which others' views are developed.
As individuals in the BDSM lifestyle, many of us preach tolerance as if it was a religion, but it really isn't. The simple fact of the matter is that being tolerant does not mean letting people of minorities, different ethnicities, different lifestyles, different religions or different preferences walk all over us like we were doormats. It does not mean we, not as lifestylers in BDSM, but as people, should immediately respect and accept others' beliefs just becuase they are others' beliefs. Charles Manson believed it was perfectly acceptable to live in a communal lifestyle, smoke a shitload of drugs and kill people for fun and profit. However, the American legal system disagreed with this. That doesn't make Americans intolerant, it makes them interested in maintaining order. Just because Manson was a psycho, dope smoking freak doesn't mean we should tolerate his illegal activities.
Tolerance simply means we should try to be more understanding of other people. We should 'recognize and respect the beliefs or practices of others,' not that we should accept the beliefs and practices of others as law, or allow the beliefs and practices of others even though they might be illegal, immoral or contradictory to the legality and safety of the majority. Tolerance is just that: Tolerance. It is not acceptance. It is not blind following. It is not an absolute law.
We practice BDSM and to a lot of people that makes us freaks and criminals. Why do people think that way? It's because of what they see of people supposedly in BDSM on TV, in the news, in movies and in press. Most of what people see relating to S&M are the kidnappers and rapists that forcibly take their victims and restrain and rape them. What the majority does not understand is that is not BDSM, that is rape and kidnapping and forcable restraint. Does the majority take the time to reall try and understand BDSM for what it reallyis? No. Why not? Are they intolerant? Maybe, but mostly they are just ignorant. And ignorant is not an insult. It just mean that they don't really know the whole story behind some of the things they don't like, they just know they don't like them based on what they have seen and heard.
We practice BDSM and to some, that makes us a minority. A lot of people would have you believ that, as a minority, people should respect us and what we do just based on our minority stance. That's not tolerance either. That's pity. I don't want people to pity me and assume I need their respect and concern just because of my lifestyle. Tolerance is recognizing something for what it is, trying to understand it and judging for yourself whether or not you should respect it. Minorities should not be respected just because they are minorities, they should be respected based upon the merits and character of the people within their ranks. The Manson Family were probably some really nice people, if you got to know them. They were also a minority, belonging to a group of communal living beliefs. Should we respect them and their beliefs for that? If it were left at that, then yes, we probably should. However, because they were also a groups of drug-using psychopaths, I don't personally find them worthy of my respect. Does that make me intolerant? No, it makes me sane.
Tolerance also does not mean just ignoring someone or groups of people because they believe differently than you do. That's just ignoring people because they believe differently than you do. There's nothing tolerant about that. Tolerance denoted a certain amount of interaction between peoples of differing beliefs. Three stockbrokers at a bar could easily be a black Muslim, a gay male dominant and a Christian church leader. However, as long as they discuss their work, their beliefs and their lifestyles with respect and with an open mind, then they are being tolerant of one another. Likely, these people will not have a problem with one another, because they know each other well wnough to drink together in the first place. Likely, their lifestyles, religious practices or their sexual preferences will never enter into the conversations they have together, because they don't want to talk about that sort of thing. They want to talk about work, their clients or who's best at squash. That is tolerance in action.
I practice BDSM, so I try to be tolerant of others despite their vanilla beliefs or their fetishes. I am a straight male dominant, so I try to be tolerant of others despite their sexual preferences, their gender or whether they are dominant, submissive or vanilla. Technically, I am Catholic, but I also tolerate others' religions. Heck, I get a kick out of talking to the Jehovah's Witnesses that come around every Saturday. That is tolerance. It's not about ignoring people, or trying to convince them that they're ways are wrong or that your way of life is the right way.
However, tolerance, as I said before, does not mean we should all lay down and let other people walk over us just because we think differently or look differently. We should also not allow people to be rude or insulting just because they believe in things that we do not. These people do not exhibit their tolerance of us, therefore they probably do not deserve our tolerance of them or our respect. I will respect and tolerate people just as much as they respect and tolerate me. I expect people to want to earn my respect, not to just expect it from me. I also expect people to expect me to respect tham based on their actions and how well they exhibit their respect to me. I don't want to just respect someone or be respected because of my beliefs or my practices. I want people to earn my respect and I want to earn others.
We, as people, should do our best to be tolerant of others, but we should know what tolerance is before we try to show how tolerant we are.

[Lord Thomas]

Masterfully put, Tourguide, Masterfully said.


Tollerance, like comon sense is a priceless commodity. But just like gold, it is because they are so rare.

I have to say that it would be a miserable life to walk through it with paradigm bliinders of intollerance on constantly, but there seem to be plenty who enjoy it.

And it was for tem that Rush, wrote the song 'Witchunt'

Thanks
LT

[dav4jon]

Originally posted by BDSM_Tourguide
Tolerance also does not mean just ignoring someone or groups of people because they believe differently than you do. That's just ignoring people because they believe differently than you do. There's nothing tolerant about that. Tolerance denoted a certain amount of interaction between peoples of differing beliefs.

Very good point!

Tolerance must (or at least should) be active. The best expression of tolerance I know is that once expressed by Voltaire when he said to someone: "I don't agree with what you say, but I will fight for your right to say it." Kudos, Volty...

Originally posted by BDSM_Tourguide
Does that mean everyone must accept every other person's quirks, beliefs or lifestyles as their own? Not at all. It simply means that people should try to understand the perspectives from which others' views are developed. (...) Tolerance is just that: Tolerance. It is not acceptance.

Very good point too.

Unfortunately many 'enlightened' people (enlightened religiously, politically or even BDSMly) will brand you intolerant if you do not subscribe to their beliefs.

Similarly, they will take any sign of tolerance as a proof that you share their views.

Originally posted by BDSM_Tourguide
It's not about ignoring people, or trying to convince them that they're ways are wrong or that your way of life is the right way.

My way of life is the right way! For me...

Originally posted by BDSM_Tourguide
These people do not exhibit their tolerance of us, therefore they probably do not deserve our tolerance of them or our respect. I will respect and tolerate people just as much as they respect and tolerate me.

We have an interesting point, here.

My gut feeling is to go along with you. But isn't there a danger of escalation, of lesser and lesser understanding, of greater and greater distanciation, with all the inherent dangers this implies?

Originally posted by BDSM_Tourguide
I expect people to want to earn my respect, not to just expect it from me.

Well, you've earned mine. For what it's worth...

Cheers

[BDSM_Tourguide]

If you can get through all the typos, have a look at this article. It's not one of my best, but it's kind of a good read.

[Caine]

Forgive the following rant, but this is a hot button topic for me. I do not want to be tolerated for what I believe or who I am. If that is the best that can be given, then I would just assume not be around. Understanding and acceptance is what I am after and what I want to give. Like TG I am a straight male dominant, but I do not want to tolerate those different from me. I want to understand what motivates them and where they are coming from so that I can accept their choices and put them on an equal level with mine. Tolerance implies superiority and it implies that the tolerated party is deviating from some definition of normal. To tolerate homosexuals, transsexuals, Muslims, Catholics, Lutherans, different ethnic groups, etc . . . is still to put them on a lower level than myself. They are not, they are simply different and I think that until we stop tolerating and start accepting we are going to keep having the same issues over and over. All right, rant over. For what it's worth I know TG was trying to post something positive, but to me this distinction is a very large part of the problems we all face. I will leave you with two other definitions of tolerance and a quote I particularly like.

Tolerance:

(1) allowance: a permissible difference; allowing some freedom to move within limits

(2) The total amount by which a quantity is allowed to vary.

"No man has a right in America to treat any other man tolerantly for tolerance is the assumption of superiority. Our liberties are equal rights of every citizen."
Author: Wendell L. Willkie

[Dngnkeeper]

If you can get through all the typos, have a look at this article. It's not one of my best, but it's kind of a good read.

While this is a short thread I'm having trouble finding much to add. Its well said. :hail:

[magicalnymph]

It is a great read.. I really enjoyed it.

I like this defintion of tolerance. Tolerance is the practice of not persecuting those who may believe, behave or act in ways of which one may not approve.

I can see how tolerance would seem to have an air of superiority. But ultimately understanding and acceptance has to start somewhere. You can not accept something you don't understand. Nor can you open you mind enough to understand something which you do not first tolerate.

[Curtis]

Ooh! Ooh! What she said! :goodpost: