When to stop?

[verotica]

Without submitting the essay/post I had written. First I would like some thoughts on people's opinions regarding when to end a d/s relationship. When to know when things aren't right.

I've been told my current situation is emotionally/physically unhealthy for me and sometimes I agree. I'm a sub and have been for around 9 months. I don't feel good as a person and if I realise this needs to stop I won't risk my health anymore.

Thank you everyone.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

It sounds like you already know the answer. You just want someone to reaffirm your decision.

[albear]

If it doesn't feel right it's time to reassess. I think if you "sometimes agree" then you probably know the answer.

Best of luck with your decision

[Ruby]

Yes, what they said.

You've got to listen to your head and your heart. Ask yourself, what are you getting out of this relationship?

If the relationship were to continue as it is, five years from now, what state of mind and body would you be in?

Relationships may need to end for a variety of reasons:
You aren't emotionally satisfied,
the relationship is harming you mentally or physically,
you are giving far more than you are getting,
you don't feel safe,
you don't feel loved,
your partner lies to you,
you don't trust your partner,
you aren't being treated the way you want/need
... and the list goes on.

IMO: If you are being abused, whether in a d/s or not d/s relationship, it's time to end it.

Here's a link to a great quiz. Are you being abused, doubting yourself or not sure? This one helps by letting you qualify degrees of never, rarely, sometimes and frequently.
http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/abusequiz.shtml

Here's an article and checklist from a BDSM point of view:
The Difference between BDSM and Abuse
http://www.sscn.org/abuse.html

In the USA, that National Domestic Violence Hotline Website provides excellent resources whether you are the support person or just wanting to validate your situation.

http://www.ndvh.org/educate/abuse_quiz.html contains a quiz similar to the one above that can help.

Note: Safety Alert from their website

Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet and/or computer usage might be monitored, please use a safer computer, call your local hotline, and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

All the best to you.

[Wade Powers]

I would add to trust your instincts. From the time we are little ones, playing in the sandbox of life, we are learning to judge what is safe, good for us, and who we are. So for as many years as you've been here, you have been making judgements regarding who is safe, what is good for you, and who you can trust. These skills get internalized, and work for each of us.
So trust your instincts. If you're mind and or body is telling you there is something out of whack, trust that, and act on it.
I too wish you the best...

[bearbeast]

there is not much more I can say on the matter in hand, but only that I agree with everyone else that has spoken on your "delemmer" please xcuse the bad spelling there, I'm "dyslixic", but never mind that, you must listen to your instinsts, sit quietly some where away from interuptions and listen to what your brain is telling you. when in dout, do not act, stay still, let the waters run deep, listen to yoursef. sorry to go on, but I know the concequincys of not listening to myself, I met someone ten years ago just by accident over a "plum" but thats another story, she helpped me put the pieces back together and came out the other side. if I hadn't done the above I'm sure I wouldn't be here today.

please listen to yourself, I hope that things work out well in the end, please lets us know that you are ok.

Take care bye bye for now

[Adamoverjules]

There are many ways to tell when it's time to end a relationship, D/s or otherwise...
If you keep telling yourself 'it will be better if.......'
If someone tells you they are wrong for you, and you can't come up with why they are right for you
If there are things you just can't get past
But most of all, if it feels wrong to you, I guarantee you it is...nobody knows someone better than themselves, so if you're looking for reasons to get out of the relationship, you already know that it's time to leave it, you just have to do it.

As sad as it is, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, good luck!

[Ezzrai]

reading above and nodding in complete agreement...

Trust your instincts. If you hate admitting defeat, have been told to fail is to quit, he/she is your true friend, if you wonder if you are overtly suspicious or being told you are then try to talk about it.

...if a problem or situation is refused to be talked about
...denied
...or shrugged off as inconsequential
if you feel inconsequential or insignificant in any way
...or even said that when upset he/she forgets what they say and means nothing by it and refuses to go further than this.

...if you feel alone in the relationship
...if you or your limits are NOT being respected and again you are not being heard or allowed to voice your feelings.

if you have feelings you are not trusted and are being honest and true
if you see any inconsistancies and go back through the list above again

if you have tried to leave at least once and not listened to or respected

do not allow yourself to be brainwashed by meditations of acceptance and belief

if in a Poly relationship...and asked to keep secrets from One.

there is no trust

there is no communication

it comes down to the bottom line...if your instincts tell you things are not right.

leave.

immediately after i left a turned relationship i felt "so much" relief, panic attacks stopped and i am now centered once again.

please take care of yourself, as a very good friend passed on to me, do not doubt yourself once. You know you...

and do not be afraid to talk about it to someone trusted, it releases the beast of secrecy and allows you to become free once again and there is no reason to feel shame if this also was inflicted or indicated in any form.

i wish you strength and the very best with warmest thoughts

[LadyAmanda]

BUT, don't leave just because someone else says you should. I mean, if you feel 'right' where you are, don't let someone tell you it's 'sick' or 'perverted' or degrading to be a sub. There are different types of relationships, and we have to find the ones that are right for us.
If an outside person doesn't understand your lifestyle, they can't give you advise on whether to stay or go.
It's as everyone else has said - sit somewhere quietly, think about what you most want, and then decide if you can get it where you are. Do not stay if you are miserable there. Sometimes a sub gets so used to having decisions made for her that she forgets she can make them for herself, too.
You are number one - look after yourself

[NightDaughter]

it sounds like you already know the answer to various degrees - you just have to get your heart and mind on the same page.

its not easy making the decision to leave - I know it was nun to easy for me to leave the abuse that I was suffering in my last relationship, but eventaully my mind and heart where in one voice (even if that voice was only united for a moment, it happened and i got out).

If you need to talk, feel free in messaging me.

take care,

PS: you are never alone