Damn it all to Hell! Help!

[LadyAmanda]

I can't believe this is happening to me. It makes me mad, but it's happening.

I recently agreed to domme a younger male sub online. We are just going to play for a while. We 'spoke' last night via webcam, and agreed to play tonight.

Now the stupid part - suddenly, I feel guilty. Damn, I don't want to, but there it is. Hubby knows nothing of my other life, but I feel like I'm betraying him, which is silly when you know that Sylvie is part of my life. It just feels different; she was my best friend before we started playing together, and the fact that I know and love her gives me a different feeling about playing with her, especially since we do so much more together than just have sex. It's not like I met her for the specific purpose of d/s, it just evolved.

AAAHHH!!!!

[Kostly]

As I see it, you have 3 options...
--------------------------------------

You can notify this new subbie of the problem, and tell him that you cant dominate him.

or

You can be honest with your husband, and throw caution into the wind.

or

You can get over your guilt and lead a double life.
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Now you didnt mention if this relationship was serous.

If its just play, then you can continue to play, and then change your mind later on...

...But...

If it is serous, or becomes serous, then you may want to change your attitude.
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With that said, I am not the one too make up your mind, for I only want to offer you my personal opinion.

[BruceBoxer]

Unfortunately, you should feel guilty as you are cheating and you must be punished. Is that better? Didn't think so. Thing is, for me, if it doesn't feel "right," It isn't right--otherwise, why would I feel guilty? So, when you know in your gut or your head that something isn't right, you probably shouldn't continue it or take steps to remove the guilt. Only you know what that would be.

Sorry I couldn't approve or disapprove--it's your life and only you can decide how to proceed--sucks being a responsible adult doen't it? Good luck kiddo.

Originally posted by LadyAmanda
I can't believe this is happening to me. It makes me mad, but it's happening.

I recently agreed to domme a younger male sub online. We are just going to play for a while. We 'spoke' last night via webcam, and agreed to play tonight.

Now the stupid part - suddenly, I feel guilty. Damn, I don't want to, but there it is. Hubby knows nothing of my other life, but I feel like I'm betraying him, which is silly when you know that Sylvie is part of my life. It just feels different; she was my best friend before we started playing together, and the fact that I know and love her gives me a different feeling about playing with her, especially since we do so much more together than just have sex. It's not like I met her for the specific purpose of d/s, it just evolved.

AAAHHH!!!!

[LadyAmanda]

Yeah, being an adult really sucks big time! I guess part of the problem is that we're both in the same house; I would be doing this when he's only about 30 feet away, in another room.

And then afterwards, I'd be curled up in his arms to sleep. Damn! I wanna play, but I'm not ready to throw away my commitment to hubby, either.

And I already live a double life - this would be living a triple life!

think, think, think.

[Mobius]

you can involve your friends into the relationship.

[Finding_Fantasy]

Well, I would have to agree with both Bruce and beale. If you feel truly bad about it then perhaps it is not the best thing for you to be doing. On the other hand, how open minded is your hubby?

Some spouses can recognise the need to pursue other avenues even if they themselves have no desire to participate. We have befriended more than one female submissive who's husband knew about our relationships and I even made friends with one of them.

You never know. Perhaps your husband would be interested in the lifestyle. I don't know him so I can't say how he would react. you'd have to use your own judgement on that one.

Also, perhaps part of the reason you feel guilty about playing with this male submissive is because he is male. For some reason it is worse to "cheat" with the partner being of the opposite sex. I know that TG would much rather see me with a female Dominant than a male or another female submissive (probably part of that whole male fantasy thing)

Anyway, I am sure that you will make the right choice. My best advice is that if it makes you feel guilty and if it feels wrong, then it probably is.

[Master Jack's pet]

This may be slightly off topic...but...why is it i see so many posts regarding doms or subs married to vanilla spouses and unhappy with the situation to the point where they are involved with others...

from what i have seen, many people out there are praising themselves as being superior in our "lifestyle" relationships based upon honesty....true communication...etc. and then not practicing these same tenets in their marriages...don't the same values hold true for marriage, perhaps even more than any other relationship?

[Kostly]

Is it cheating to have an online sub?

I dont think so, for having an online sub is like having an online video game... You tell it to do something, then it shows it doing it... Its basic interactive porno...

Kostly

[Master Jack's pet]

i have to strongly disagree as i am an online sub at the moment...it is a very real relationship....since most relationships start with the mind and the emotions...everything else is secondary and may happen one day...in the meantime, i speak for myself and i'm sure many others, when i ask that you not disparage the reality of an online relationship...

many people feel that it is too easy to hide in cyber...to be something you're not...while i'm sure that is true for many...it is also easier to be yourself...to shed inhibitions...to be more honest and using the internet at its best, it is a wonderful way to meet people that would ordinarily not be within "reach"...just as this message board has enabled communities to be established, so too, does it allow for doms and subs to meet...and have whatever relationships please them and meet their needs....

why is it that again...in a community that prides itself on the accepting all kinks...cyber relationships are considered lesser or not real at all?????

[Finding_Fantasy]

I would have to agree with you 100%.

Kostly, you compare online relationships to video games well that is not so. You say you tell "it" to do things and it does. Well the person on the other end is not an "it" This is a living, breathing person and many real life relationships happen to begin online such as TG's and myself did. It is cheating as you are interacting with another human being. I mean it is no different than trading love letters visa snail mail. I think most would feel betrayed if they found those so what is the difference between that and online?

[Mobius]

Email comunication, storys, pornography,online chat's are all grist for the divorce courts. It can and will be used against you. To your humiliation.

If you are in a marage that does not have good comunication and one side is a kinky and the other side vanilla make sure you hide your tracks well or open up the lines of comunication, share your inner perviert. up to a point.

If you are so twisted (I am not talking about any one in perticular)
and you share a shocking secret fetish it can and will be used against you.

I am just saying play nice children

[Kostly]

Is calling a 1-900-FuckME number cheating?

Is watching a porno, and fantisizing about beign one of the characters in it cheating?

Is looking at a women, and dreaming of a life together cheating?

Is typing to someone and having cyber cheating?

Granted some people may take this activity as beign greatly involved. Others may have the more realistic aproach of putting it in the place that I beleive it belongs, that of an activitie that is fun. I think to beleive that you have a huge connection with someone over the net is just an illusion. But this is a discussion of philosophy and not of truth. There is no right answer, only that of the individual.

Personally: I would feel betraid if my partner felt involved with someone over the net, but if it was just fun I may have a different view. I would feel bad because of the dishonesty contained in this activity, and the hidden nature of this.

Where is the line.

The dishonest behavior is at the heart of the problem. You have promised your husband a life with him exclusively and yet you sleep with another women without his knowledge. That is a very negative thing.

The right thing is to be honest and open with your partner... now the challenge is to live a life like that. Its not easy, but If I was in your husbands spot, and I found out about your dishonesty, I would be greatly upset. It would almost certainly end our relationships.

BTW. Internet spying by spouses who feel unsure of their relationship has become a common place. Private Eyes often are no longer used because of these great do it yourself activities. I have provided some links to some software and to some places that would be benificial for the do it yourself'er!

http://www.softactivity.com/
http://www.spy-patrol.com/
http://www.bioscout.com/
http://www.spy-software.com/

IF you suspect your spouse is cheating on you, then I greatly encurage that you use this software BEFORE you confront them. A local Private Eye may also be hired.

Kostly

[Kostly]

Here is some news articles about this same thing

http://wcpo.com/news/2003/local/08/04/cheat.html
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/...in566488.shtml
http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/new...cyberaffairs++

[LadyAmanda]

Well, it doesn't really matter too much any more, because I've been dumped!

When I pm'd him to tell him that it wasn't working for me, he wrote back to say that he had already decided that it was stupid of me to cheat on my husband, but he couldn't be bothered to write and tell me so. <sigh>

I have a new respect for people who manage to do this on-line. It was very difficult not to be able to interact directly with the person! There are so many nuances that are non-verbal that it surprised me. I am so used to being right there with the sub, able to judge their real reactions to things, and soothe them with a touch if needed.

Besides, I kinda ignored the fact that I do prefer female subs, just for the experience, and it was the wrong thing to do.

And, just to touch base with anyone who thinks hubby may go along with a 3some? It ain't gonna happen However, the man is very intelligent, I'm sure that he knows more is going on than just 2 best friends hanging out together. It's more like if we don't talk about it, it's not going to hurt anyone. The three of us spend a lot of time together, and, as I said, he's very intelligent, and not blind.

[Mobius]

it to be a threesome. I was not saying that .
I was saying that maybe you could top your husband.
Then interduse him to silve

BDSM is not always about sex

[drake7]

LadyAmanda wrote:

Well, it doesn't really matter too much any more, because I've been dumped!

When I pm'd him to tell him that it wasn't working for me, he wrote back to say that he had already decided that it was stupid of me to cheat on my husband, but he couldn't be bothered to write and tell me so. <sigh>

What Finding Fantasy wrote...

Also, perhaps part of the reason you feel guilty about playing with this male submissive is because he is male. For some reason it is worse to "cheat" with the partner being of the opposite sex.

...may have been even more accurate than she knew. I was going to say much the same that having a same sex relationship feels different when you are also involved in a more traditional heterosexual relationship. Since it is same-sex you don't really feel it is cheating. Perhaps your sub had similar feelings, that knowing you already had another male, your husband, he felt uncomfortable as well.

In my own opinion, as long as your relationship with your husband is good and you are not engaging in risk taking behavior for yourself or him a little online relationship shouldn't be of any consequence. Just make sure the person you are having the relationship with knows the rules too and isn't some flake.

-Drake.

[kittenfemme]

Originally posted by LadyAmanda
Well, it doesn't really matter too much any more, because I've been dumped!

When I pm'd him to tell him that it wasn't working for me, he wrote back to say that he had already decided that it was stupid of me to cheat on my husband, but he couldn't be bothered to write and tell me so. <sigh>

He dumped YOU? Sweet mother... what an idiot.