Safewords, Slowwords, Signals, Codes

[Ranai]

Everyone interested in real life BDSM learns about these.

What do you use?
What have you used?
What have you heard or read about?

Words?
Nonverbal codes for situations when the person who is bottoming can't speak?
Codes used in groups?
Or do you not need any code at all, because you never play at 'reluctant'? And 'stop' in your relationship simply means 'stop', 'no' simply means 'no'.

Any difficulties or misunderstandings you can tell us about?


Safeword trivia

The Danish association SMil has a communal safeword.
'In the entire SMil community “CIRCUS” is the standard stop word. This means “Stop, we have to talk” . We use a stop word so no one is doubt about when it is serious. Of course you may invent your own codes or stop words.'
http://www.sado.dk/sisc_c.html
> What is SM
> Safety

In one of my favourite BDSM stories, Richard Alexander's Monica Series, the characters have a communal safeword for situations when they are gagged: They hum 'Happy Birthday'!

[Sir Lanceloth]

Everyone interested in real life BDSM learns about these.

What do you use?

i guess you mean what tools do I use? if thats the case then it is simple household items if any.

What have you used?

since im just starting my "adventures down this road" i havent used anything in the past

What have you heard or read about?

you mean stories about bdsm? i have read story of O, which i liked a lot. If you mean more serious stuff (like this forum), i have read anything from castle realm to latches, really anything i could find from google (with the 10000 poor porn sites to follow)

Words?
Nonverbal codes for situations when the person who is bottoming can't speak?

well in any play i would stop if my gf eithers says stop or the word we agreed upon which is chocolatemilk (the reason i would stop is simply that she has newer used her safeword yet, so to be certain it all goes well i would stop at stop)

Codes used in groups?

we dont play in groups

Any difficulties or misunderstandings you can tell us about?

the difficulty in my relationship is simply that my gf hasnt used her safeword yet, it makes me a bit worried whether she will have the courage to do so when neccesary.

What is SM
> Safety

not sure what you are asking here. The definition of SM is located somewhere on this wery site. But is it sm safety you are asking about?

In one of my favourite BDSM stories, Richard Alexander's Monica Series, the characters have a communal safeword for situations when they are gagged: They hum 'Happy Birthday'!

that sounds like a good idea. You might want to consider hand signals as well.

[Ranai]

Any difficulties or misunderstandings you can tell us about? Yes I can. Two non native English speakers trying to communicate. I think I should have revised my original post better. Sorry for the writing carelessness!

This is what I meant:
What safewords do you use?
What safewords have you used?
Which safewords and codes have you heard or read about?

http://www.sado.dk/sisc_c.html
[To find the quote, click on the following words on their website:]
> What is SM
> Safety

[Ranai]

Anyway back on topic...

the difficulty in my relationship is simply that my gf hasnt used her safeword yet, it makes me a bit worried whether she will have the courage to do so when neccesary.

Hmm well, that could present a difficulty, but maybe it's not.

Anyway, I don't really see how you could determine this, unless you deliberately create a situation where you want her to use her safeword. But this could be a very doubtful undertaking, and she might dislike being 'tested' like that.

[Locked Advantages]

Personally with me and my former dominant, we didn't really use safe words or signal, he usually could tell when I wanted the scene to stop but I do know that its safe if safe words are available for one to use so someone could get themselves out of a situation...it really depends on the couple and both of the people involved with the situation

[Ruby]

Ranai,

I thought you'd get more response to these great questions.

This is what I meant:
What safewords do you use?
What safewords have you used?
Which safewords and codes have you heard or read about?

Anyone who's been reading on the forums knows my safe words
are easy to say, easy to remember. Perhaps its because I'm so
analytical and my brain isn't wired to mix up yes and no.

So my safe words are: stop, no, that's enough, please don't, red light, and
yellow light.
Usually stop, red or yellow are all I can articulate.
Red is a hard stop.
Yellow is give me a minute, have to say something, whatever it is that I need a break.

Recently I read an article where it was suggested to use the word Mercy in public scening. That way the dom could look gracious while giving his pet a badly needed break. The phrase, Mercy, please spare this slave/sub/pet for another day, was a signal to end the scene.

I've used mercy a few times, but then have reverted back to the standards. :-)

What about when the mouth is stuffed?
There is an angry squeal or sound of pain that causes him to stop immediately and check in with me. I wish I could say I planned it, but T knows those sounds and what to do.

A few taps on the leg usually get his attention, too. That is if my hands are untied. LOL

Reading - I always admire when people use complicated words in their stories like cucumber, sasquash, or watermelon. I'm not sure I could possibly remember those words when I'm drifting in subspace or even totally rational.

Who's next? Inquiring minds want to know.

[bug]

red yellow and green here *nods*

[subthoughts]

I too pretty much stick with yellow for 'something's real-world amiss, check on me please' and red for 'full stop, untie me now, talk later'. I think they were the ones in the first story I ever read that was realistic enough include safewords and they just stayed in my brain. For non-verbal, I like this rubber sqeaky toy that is meant for dogs - it's shaped like a tiny cheeseburger, and I hold it throughout play -- squeeze it and it makes this goofy shrill sound. One squeak for yellow, multiple squeaks for red. It's loud enough to be very unmistakable. And it makes the neighbor's dog bark.

[whippedcream]

After like two years of submission wrestling, it's become instinct for me to tap out and/or yell "tap!!" when something goes suddenly physically wrong. I like it because there's no possibility of my forgetting what to say - it just happens automatically. (When I was really out-of-my-mind sick with food poisoning once, I actually found myself attempting to tap out to a stomach cramp. Didn't work.)

[Djarumdoll]

In my years as a submissive I never used safe words....my Dom knew me inside and out...and I trusted him completely to guide me through whatever experience...I never felt the need for a safe word....I have incorporated that same approach into my life as a Dominant now as well....I take time to get to know my subs, and learn to listen very closely to their silent responses.....

I have always felt that playing with a safe word allows the submissive to have the underlying control of a scene....and in essence they arent really truly 100 percent submitting.....I feel I cheat someone if I allow them to have that power.....If my submissive always knows in the back of their head that they can stop a scene, then how much true submission is taking place? In order to allow them to give themselves wholly and fully they need to know they have absolutely no control in the situation.....there are many times my submissives would like me to stop....that they believe they cant take any more.....and they always thank me after for pushing them a little farther than they thought possible.....trust is the main ingredient....my submissives trust me to always take care of them....in scene and out.....they trust me to never push them farther than they can go.....and to never emotionally or physically damage them beyond repair....

I am in no way saying that people should not play with safe words.....I am quite aware that there are some that need to have those in place and I do not fault them one bit.....BDSM is a very large realm in where many people develop their own choices and concepts.....and it is not my place to say they are right or wrong....I have often heard of red yellow green to be the most popular of safe words.....they seem to be somewhat universal....

[Ruby]

Djarumdoll -- Excellent comments about your choice of play and why.
Do you have any type of signals worked out in case of emergency?

You know, "There's a cop at the door and you really need to stop now!"
or
"If you don't stop, I'm going to be ill."

Or do you just let your sub say those words and listen.
What if your sub is gagged?

Looking forward to how you handle these types of situations or plan for them.

whippedcream -- Tap! What a great word. Easy to say and remember. Too bad it didn't work on that stomach cramp. I could use a word like that every now and then. :-)

Thanks everyone for jumping in to answer Ranai's questions.
Who's next?

[Djarumdoll]

Djarumdoll -- Excellent comments about your choice of play and why.
Do you have any type of signals worked out in case of emergency?
You know, "There's a cop at the door and you really need to stop now!"
or
"If you don't stop, I'm going to be ill."
Or do you just let your sub say those words and listen.
What if your sub is gagged?
Looking forward to how you handle these types of situations or plan for them.

Thank you for the kind words.....now for the not so exciting answer

if my sub isnt gagged they are allowed to speak.....they also are instructed to use a thumbs down sign if they cannot speak when ill, cramping, emergency, etc. Those two options have always worked out well for me, and I always make sure that one of them is available

[Ranai]

Many thanks for the responses, everyone.

Locked Advantages, it's interesting to know that there are couples who rely enough on other signals and dispense with a formal safeword. As long as a signal to stop is unmistakeable and does not get lost in the frenzy...

Ruby, I have never yet advanced to a point where I would need to decide in an instant: Is this possibly 'Oh no... But I leave it in your hands!', or is it 'No!' period. So far 'No' has always been 'No' for us too, and maybe it will always remain so. But I try to educate myself for all sorts of eventualities. I guess I am of a cautious and sceptical nature in this respect.
Yes, fiction is full of fanciful and not very practical safewords. That's one of the reasons why I posted this question, to see what people have found useful and practical. Although obviously if I ever introduced a formal safeword other than directly asking me to stop whatever I'm up to, it would not be in English.

Thank you bug and subthoughts. So the colour code does work indeed. LOL at the squeaky toy. Maybe I will need to go hunt for that dolphin I bought for the bathtub ages ago. whippedcream, I suppose that's the perfect way for a safeword to function: something you don't have to think about but which comes to mind immediately.

Djarumdoll, thanks for sharing your experiences. The thumbs down sign seems a good option – and it doesn't wake the neighbour's dog! Your reflections on trust, control and submission are interesting and thought-provoking. And I wholeheartedly agree with your approach of taking your time and listening closely. As my experience is limited so far, I think I could not dispense with an unmistakeable stop signal valid even outside an immediate emergency situation. My cautious nature again I suppose, which I need at the present stage.

Thank you all again for your contributions.

[Barton]

The dog will stop barking after a while Ranai.

[Nico]

I use red and yellow as well. When I have somone gagged I usually give them a ball to hold. drop the ball, stop the scene. I tried other things but a ball bounces around, it's hard to miss.

[tmordan]

With my present mate, we only use "safeword" because we haven't done much... though I hope that will change after we go on holiday next week Someone who came to play with us was rather amused, he said it was "incredibly unoriginal" - we explained that it was impossible to forget or mistake, and I do want to keep things simple for my mate, ease him into BDSM as gently as I can.

We've never had the situation arise where I needed to call safeword while gagged though; he can usually tell what I'm feeling through the look in my eyes. Plus we negotiate thoroughly before starting. Though I quite like the idea of giving some sort of code, and I've heard of people giving a set number of long grunts as a safeword.

Just my £0.02, I don't claim to be an expert or anything for obvious reasons :P

[slavecat]

Master and i established a safeword at the begining of our relationship but i have never felt the need to use it. in fact now that i think about it, i can't even remember what it is! lol guess i should ask just in case i ever need it. i trust Master to know my body and how much i can take and thus far we have had no problems. its good for my piece of mind to have one, even though i'll probably never use it. *knock wood*

[redhot33]

I have a safe word it is red or auborn and I have never had to use it. My master is pretty careful about knowing when it is getting to hard fot me to handle.

[csr]

I too have never used a safeword. I think, as was mentioned before, this is possible if the dominant is extremely in tune with their sub. We have a safe signal (I'm usually gagged) of 3 short moans in a row. This stands out from the usual noises because it is so deliberate. Still, I haven't yet had occasion to use it, after about 5 years of pretty heavy play.

The local play parties here insist on the yellow, red system and that a gagged sub holds keys or something similar to drop. My problem is that often if I'm experiencing pain or euphoria I'll flex my hands alot and have a hard time holding onto anything. You have to play by the safety rules though.