Distraught, despair and depression!

[NaturalSub]

Hell!

My master and I have seperated. On Boxing day we decided that things just weren;t going so well, with us living at opposite ends of the country and with the feelings being of different strengths, we agree to just be friends.

He stayed around for a couple of days after, and left in the early hours of the morning today.

I don;t know what I'm going to do without him. I feel totally lost. It's not just like breaking up with a boyfriend, he was my friend, my lover, the man i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and above all that, my Master.

I know that I'll survive without him, hell, I'm a grown up responsible teacher type person, but it doesn;t mean i want to survive without him!

How do you cope?

I'm thinking it's either alcohol or screwing around, I hate hangovers, so I'm guessing it's going to be the latter. Hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a way to start 2005!

Sorry, I just had no where else to express this. My family don;t know about the D/s, so to them, it's just another boyfreind!

[mastercoyote]

Well... I wouldn't suggest latching onto a "rebound" Master right away, that's for sure.

Maybe when you're not feeling as raw as you probably do now, you might consider some bdsm group functions; just hanging with like-minded folks, maybe doing a scene with someone if you feel the need.

Oh, and buy a REALLY good vibrator to exhaust yourself with on those sleepless nights!

Cheers, and good luck.

[GaryWilcox]

How do you cope?

You take one day at a time. Set a plan, set goals for yourself, and carry them out. Give yourself half the duration of the relationship before you even consider dating. Get a pet. Don't fester indoors-- go outside and do something you never did before, each chance you get.

Pack up all the reminders into two piles, the good and the not so good, and put the good stuff on top of the not so good stuff, so it's always at the bottom of the pile.

Feel as bad or as good as you need to. Cry a lot if it helps. Laugh if it helps, too.

I prescribe movies to my friends after break-ups, and my personal favorite is "Say Anything". Just seems to help me.

[slavelucy]

Ack, that sucks. And, i can understand how you feel, i won't go on about it here though, i PM'd you.

One thing - try not to hit the bottle, the hangovers will make you feel worse and physically crappy..which in turn will make you more down. i can also understand that not having anyone to whom you're close know about your submission makes it v difficult to make anyone understand that it's about a little more than just splitting up with a boyfriend. (er..not that THAT'S not bad enough). And that's what we're here for...*smiles*

Anyway, like i said, i PM'd ya...if you want to reply and chat, feel free, if you don't feel like it, that's fine too.

sl

[BabySub]

Oh hun. ::hugs::

I have to agree with sl, please don't turn to alcohol. That's not a good path to take, and WILL make you feel worse. People have already said what I would have, so all I can say now is to talk about it. Use this thread, pm's, IM's, r/l, anything.. but you need to talk (and all the rest)

Baby, (who wants to hug you tightly.)

[ValKyrie]

It may feel like the carpet has been pulled from beneath your feet, but that feeling will only last a little while. Now is the time to focus on specific and productive goals and to pay some attention to you.

Do things that make you feel good and keep you well and healthy.
Posting here and writing about those feelings and your days, as you slowly get back on your feet may be the biggest support.

It is difficult to go through a break up when you can't openly discuss the dynamics of the relationship you are mourning.

And ditto on the "rebound" Dom. Depending on how you interprate BDSM into your life, you may feel you need to go find another Dom to help you keep focussed and to bring that structure and stability you have had and may crave. Don't do it.


Bring those things to yourself by setting small goals and taking care of at least one thing a day.

Playing is fine, but let those wounds heal on their own without using another Dominant as medicine for the heart.

Many hugs to you,
Val

[NiceMaster]

Well I am sure it's hard on you ,but You will recover.
Just don't jump in and try to find a new master right away.
Give yourself time and even if you can't handle it without him just get back together or you will keep tortouring your soul.

[NaturalSub]

Thanks for all your kind comments and advice.

I think it's wise to say, that whilst I am drun as I write this, it is not a permenant drunken stupor that I am in. I've simpole had a few too many down the pub having a laugh.

The comment about drinking my sorrows away, was made in jest. I know drinking ain;t the answer, and as I said, I can't cope with the hangovers.

But, i have to say, he was my first 24/7 master, and we were together for a very long time, even when he was away for months on end, I still had a structure to my life, he set me tasks and punishments, and it worked damn it! Now, i kind of have nothing.

There is a guy who i've been friends with for a long time. Knows I don;t want a relationship per say but he does want to play a bit, so I guess i'll give that a go, not as a serious master slave thing, but at least something where I can feel like I want to. My submissive side needs feeding, I;m far to miserable to take control of the rest of my life, so until the pet gets fed, i'm pretty much screwed.

I kind of irks me though, all my future plans were focused around him. I qualify at the end of June, and it was the intention that I move to where ever he is posted and focus on my carrer there, obviously, thats changed now, so not quite sure what or where i'm going to go now.

Anyway, the alcohol is making it hard for me to type a full sentence, so I think I'm gonna sign off now and try and get some much needed sleep.

Thanks again

Laura

[Venice]

[cut]How do you cope?

:: hugs :: First of all, I'm sorry for your pain. This may or may not help, but when I'm depressed I rent my favorite movies, paint, run and go horseback riding.

Lose yourself in a book, listen to your favorite cds. Maybe you should take up a new hobby, like sculpting or volunteer for a community cause. It won't take away the pain, but it'll be a nice distraction and make you feel good all in all. :: hugs again :: Cheers.

[NaturalSub]

I have discovered a new computer game called Zoo Tycoon, which is helping with the insomnia, I can play that for hours and it takes my mind off of it.
Sadly, I got a message from him earlier on my phone. I was coping quite well, and then I just broke down!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

[Venice]

I have discovered a new computer game called Zoo Tycoon, which is helping with the insomnia, I can play that for hours and it takes my mind off of it.
Sadly, I got a message from him earlier on my phone. I was coping quite well, and then I just broke down!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

That's an addictive game.. as for the call, you should screen your calls. If he calls again, just blow a whistle right into the mouthpiece as hard and loud as you can.

[craftygirl]

Nothing much I can say that hasn't been said already, but *big hugs* for you, and good luck. I'm sorry things came about the way they did.

[learningtopleez]

Sorry to hear that this happened to you hun. Lots of hugs from me to you! You mentioned that the feelings you two had were of different strengths. I think I know how you feel, as my Master? and I are definitely not on the same level, when it comes to how he feels for me versus how I feel for him. He doesn't feel as strongly, and it has taken me alot of time and alot of deep thinking to finally make the decision to pull away. We did not have what you did. It wasn't 24/7, but he was my first r/l Dom. Unfortunately he only talked to me when he wanted to see me and that was about once a month. Then I would travel only 75 miles to see him for maybe a couple of hours a day. NOT what I had in mind when I signed up, ya know?? Anyway, I finally decided that I was worth more than that. I wrote him a letter and told him I needed more than he could give me or was willing to give me. I also told him I would like to remain his friend (dumb!). I think I should have made a clean break, no friends thing, nothing, cause now he writes me occasionally, or texts me little messages, which just make those feelings come up again for me. He even hinted at us getting together again, but I have been making excuses and hope he will eventually quit trying. I don't want to never see him again, but I know that it will hurt me if I do....so I am working extra hours, going back to school, and making new friends. It is one of the hardest things I've done, but I know it is the best thing for me.
So having told you my life story now , try really hard to just focus on you! What you want and need are important too (a very kind and intelligent Dom told me this!!). And definitely screen the calls...if it hurts to hear his voice, then cut down the volume on the machine....or as soon as you hear his voice, delete the message, at least until you are strong enough to talk to him without the pain. If you want to talk hun, anytime...just PM me! It helps to have a sounding board...believe me I know!!

Hugs

[NaturalSub]

Do you know what? I'm starting to see the light through the clouds now. My heart, after much soul searching has started to pull itself together. I know it seems but a day ago that I wrote that first post, but I am a great beleiver in self-preservation. I know I'm not over it by a long shot, and I knwo I've still got a lot of recovering to to. However, life at home has been, how shall we say it, somewhat interesting, and it has put my problems into perspective slightly.

Aside from that, I was down the pub last night, propping up the bar on my own when in comes and old mate. We sat chatting for a whil, and I was completly absorbed in the conversation. It wasn;t until I left the pub that I felt empty again. It's shown me that life does go on, and whilst I'm always going to miss him, he is around to be my friend, which is all he is willing to give, therefore I must accept it and move on. I can;t see us being very close freinds at the moment, my feelings are still far too strong and raw for that. However, in time, I guess it will be easier to talk to him without wanting to cry.

I have a date in a few days with a completely vanilla (as far as I know) man. I know people have advised that I stay away from men for a litle while, not going for the rebound, but I decided it was time I got back on the horse. I'm not expecting to find a replacement for Ally, but a little bit of gentelmanly affections are always welcome. Besides, I may convert him to the world of kink, or maybe, just maybe, I'll try being vanilla for a while. I'm not sure how I'll cope with that, and I'll most defnately come back here everyday for my kinky fix, but we'll shall see how it progresses. Hell, I may not even jump straight into bed with this one, it'd be a first!

Thank you for all your kind comments and advice, and thank you for letting my spill my heart out on here and through PM's to certain members. As people have said, it's hard, when most people don;t understand the dynamics to the relationship, I know you guys do. I also know that some of you are going through simmilar exeperiences. Just like you have supported me, I shall support you if and when the need arrises.

I know that I haven;t made much of a contribution to these forums, but I come and read everyday, however, with the input from you guys, I rarely feel I have anything to add to the discussion. Thank you for making me feel apart of this though.

[learningtopleez]

Do you know what? I'm starting to see the light through the clouds now. My heart, after much soul searching has started to pull itself together. I know it seems but a day ago that I wrote that first post, but I am a great beleiver in self-preservation. I know I'm not over it by a long shot, and I knwo I've still got a lot of recovering to to. However, life at home has been, how shall we say it, somewhat interesting, and it has put my problems into perspective slightly.

Thank you for all your kind comments and advice, and thank you for letting my spill my heart out on here and through PM's to certain members. As people have said, it's hard, when most people don;t understand the dynamics to the relationship, I know you guys do. I also know that some of you are going through simmilar exeperiences. Just like you have supported me, I shall support you if and when the need arrises.

I know that I haven;t made much of a contribution to these forums, but I come and read everyday, however, with the input from you guys, I rarely feel I have anything to add to the discussion. Thank you for making me feel apart of this though.

So happy to hear that you are feeling a little better hun!! You are so very welcome and do keep us updated, as some of us worry, if we don't hear from those having problems! I guess I'm just a little bit nosey too Best of luck with the date!

[Donatien]

undefinedundefined

Thanks for all your kind comments and advice.

I think it's wise to say, that whilst I am drun as I write this, it is not a permenant drunken stupor that I am in. I've simpole had a few too many down the pub having a laugh.

The comment about drinking my sorrows away, was made in jest. I know drinking ain;t the answer, and as I said, I can't cope with the hangovers.

But, i have to say, he was my first 24/7 master, and we were together for a very long time, even when he was away for months on end, I still had a structure to my life, he set me tasks and punishments, and it worked damn it! Now, i kind of have nothing.

There is a guy who i've been friends with for a long time. Knows I don;t want a relationship per say but he does want to play a bit, so I guess i'll give that a go, not as a serious master slave thing, but at least something where I can feel like I want to. My submissive side needs feeding, I;m far to miserable to take control of the rest of my life, so until the pet gets fed, i'm pretty much screwed.

I kind of irks me though, all my future plans were focused around him. I qualify at the end of June, and it was the intention that I move to where ever he is posted and focus on my carrer there, obviously, thats changed now, so not quite sure what or where i'm going to go now.

Anyway, the alcohol is making it hard for me to type a full sentence, so I think I'm gonna sign off now and try and get some much needed sleep.

Thanks again

Laura

Carl Jung once said that giving good advice rarely causes any harm as so few people take any notice! However--

As children we learn to defend ourselves agaInst hurt lest we be annihilated, and the tricks we develop to do this can become a prison constraining our further development. So, the most important learning for us all in adult life is THE ART OF BEING UPSET CONFIDENTLY, in that being confident that we shall survive we can begin to discard some of our more primitive defences as redundant.

Every crisis in life is like a fork in a road. If you respond as you have always done you learn nothing new and take the downhill route;that is until you pause, reflect and take stock on all that you have learnt till now. Let your unconscious mind marinate on this, while to you indulge your conscious mind and feelings with a good wallow(this part may seem familiar, but what you can add is to decide whether you will have a 5 day, 5 hour, or 5minute wallow). The crisis can now now be seen more as a personal growth challenge and learning opportunity. You find yourself taking steps on the upward route to becoming wiser and stronger, as some of the old defences seem increasingly redundant.

Happy? Well that should follow later. As someone once said about LUCK ;
It is only appreciated and embraced by the prepared mind.

So, my best wishes and good luck! Donatien

[NaturalSub]

Opps, I made a stupid mistake.

I have a major problem saying no, and I was feeling low. I got a phone call from an old play partner and couldn;t say no. Things got a little scary and I wanted to get out but I couldn't, but hey . . . What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

But, the main thing is, I am well on the road to recovery now. I still miss him, like really really, but I'm getting there. He doesn;t haunt my every wakiing moment. The feeling of absolute rejection is getting weaker everyday. I know I'm lovely! He was just too damn stupid to realise it!

I'm back at work now that the holidays are over, which is also helping to keep my mind off of it.

Thanks again for all your support and advice, it's been really helpful, and it's always nice to know that somone cares.

[Ruby]

Saying no - darn - that is a tough one. While you're feeling
low, I'd hate to see you put yourself in danger. The only
reason I didn't post here earlier, was that I thought
the previous advice was excellent and saying ditto all the
time just seems silly. Meanwhile...

If you'd like something else to distract you,
you are most welcome to come play in
Lord Mobius's Dungeon.

There was some talk awhile back about kidnapping you:
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...&page=21&pp=15

Check our your sexy picture on post #306.
On post #308, they decided to give you some time to heal.

Anytime you feel like some safe fantasy dungeon play,
stop by and tell Lord Mobius that you'd like to
be:
* abducted
* a willing volunteer - who can come and go as she pleases
* or whatever else strikes your fancy

If you're feeling naughty, he might even send the pirates
or the alien after you.

Wishing you the best, Ruby

[NaturalSub]

Well, for me, I've made an incredibly large step!

I have changed my screen name, I shall now be known as NaturalSub!

[Curtis]

Congratulations, dear.

[NaturalSub]

Thank you. I can't imagaine who gave me the idea to chnage it