Some Basic Safety Tips For Online Relationships

[Aesop]

This thread isn't about what kind of candle to use or how long someone can be tied without causing damage or anything like that. Those things are useful and I don't say they aren't, but in my opinion they take a back seat to the safety of being with the right person. Sadly our way of life attracts those who would emotionally and physically hurt someone with no regard for the person they are hurting. In r/l it's usually easier to spot these guys (and it's mostly male dominants I'm talking about here) than it is online. Anybody can present himself as anything over the net and this thread is here mostly for people who are new to our "thing" and might be duped into doing things for someone who doesn't really give a shit. Very few of the things I'm going to talk about are absolute, but they can be warning signs that all is not well with the other party.

Things to watch out for:

The first contact being an order.

A PM, email, or IM communication that orders you to do something right away. This is usually somebody who doesn't have a clue about d/s or somebody who assumes you don't have a clue and wants to exploit you. Tell them to take a hike. You may be submissive, but you aren't a toy to be played with. Well until you give permission for that anyway.

Personal Ads asking for pictures/stories/suggestions/etc . . .

Usually these ads are just guys trying to get their rocks off at your expense. If someone has a genuine interest in finding a partner then he will show it in his ad. Be wary of ads that give no real information and ask for something at the initial contact.

Responses to personal ads that are too aggressive.

Now dominants are supposed to be in charge, but that doesn't mean we aren't also polite human beings. Responses to your ad that say things like, "Come to me and I'll make you cum." without any backup info are usually the same kind of guy as above. And ditto the orders right away in a response. "I saw your ad, now send me a picture of your cunt." Yeah these guys need to get the hell out of dodge.

IM conversations

Okay so the guy sounds human and half-way intelligent so you agree to chat with him and five minutes into the conversation he wants you to turn on that webcam. STOP! DESIST! The webcam should stay off until you really know the guy you're talking to. There's no reason for a webcam in a "get to know each other" conversation. And if you figure "What the hell? Who cares if he sees me?" that's okay, but remember it's easier for him to get you to do things on that cam when it's on. Many of these trolls are good at manipulating people. Especially submissive women.

Personal Info

The guy wants your name, address, telephone number etc . . .but won't give his. That's a big no-no. Anyone can want their privacy, but if he ain't willing to give it up, you shouldn't either.

I'm married but . . .

Now this one is tricky. Many of the people here are married and looking for something extra and I can't condemn that. I'm married, but my wife understands that I'm not-nor could ever be-sexually monogamous. I was upfront about that when we met and it's proved to be not only accepted, but in some cases a hell of a lot of fun. What I'm talking about is the promise guy. I'm married but I'm leaving her next month/year/decade. Yeah suuuure you are buddy. Now I'm sure that there are guys out there who really are leaving their wives, but at some point you have to ask yourself if you want to be the "other woman" for the rest of your life.

I'll be adding to this as I think of things and I invite anyone else to do so as well.

[Ruby]

Great list, Aesop!

[Aesop]

Thanks Ruby.

[submissivewife]

I'm married but . . .

Now this one is tricky. Many of the people here are married and looking for something extra and I can't condemn that. I'm married, but my wife understands that I'm not-nor could ever be-sexually monogamous. I was upfront about that when we met and it's proved to be not only accepted, but in some cases a hell of a lot of fun. What I'm talking about is the promise guy. I'm married but I'm leaving her next month/year/decade. Yeah suuuure you are buddy. Now I'm sure that there are guys out there who really are leaving their wives, but at some point you have to ask yourself if you want to be the "other woman" for the rest of your life.

I'll be adding to this as I think of things and I invite anyone else to do so as well.

One question Aesop, how DOES one know if the dom is going to leave their spouse?

[Aesop]

One question Aesop, how DOES one know if the dom is going to leave their spouse?

Well there's really no way to know for sure, but I'd imagine time is a big factor. I mean if he's been saying he's going to leave for a loooong time and still hasn't, chances are good he's not going to. His priorities will be a good clue too. Does he constantly do what she wants instead of what you want? That would indicate - to me at least - that he wants to keep her happy and there's really no point in keeping a woman happy if you're walking out. Constant excuses for absences and the need to put things off would be a good clue too I think.

[Aesop]

Here's another one I thought of:

This is how BDSM-D/s is practiced.

If your contact is telling you that you're doing BDSM or d/s wrong then seriously question him about it. There is no right way to do any of this. It's for your pleasure and fun, not some class to be passed. Many of these trolls will try to undermine your self-esteem by telling you that you don't know anything or that you're untrained in BDSM. And they'll usually say that just before or after telling you to do something you don't wanna do. You may not know anything and you may never have been trained before, but remember this: You cannot be universally trained for BDSM. Yes there are similarities in d/s relationships, but no two dominants are the same so no two training "programs" -for lack of a better word - are the same. My wife responds to my facial expression with accuracy at this point, but if she went to another dominant she would have to learn his mannerisms and his likes before she could be considered "trained". So if your guy is telling you that you aren't trained tell him, "Well yeah, I thought it was your job to do that."

[submissivewife]

"Well yeah, I thought it was your job to do that."

I hope no submissive says it that way. They just might find a crop across their ass.

Seriously, can a submissive be considered trained; ever? What I mean to say is, aren't we to be learning continuously? Trained in oneor more area(s) maybe, but not in another. Really, CAN a sub ever be said to be trained? I find that I put my all into pleasing my Dom only to be told that I am lacking. It is very discouraging.

[Aesop]

I hope no submissive says it that way. They just might find a crop across their ass.

Seriously, can a submissive be considered trained; ever? What I mean to say is, aren't we to be learning continuously? Trained in oneor more area(s) maybe, but not in another. Really, CAN a sub ever be said to be trained? I find that I put my all into pleasing my Dom only to be told that I am lacking. It is very discouraging.

Fully trained? I doubt it. But who wants that anyway? I'd hate to think of my submissive as fully trained because that means I haven't come up with anything new. As for you being told you're lacking - What is the dom doing to help you along? I mean if I tell my submissive she's lacking in something, the next thing I tell her is how I want it corrected and give her motivations for doing so. Telling her she's lacking without providing a way for her to improve is just going to cut her self-esteem for no reason.

[Nikita]

What I mean to say is, aren't we to be learning continuously? Trained in one or more area(s) maybe, but not in another. Really, CAN a sub ever be said to be trained? I find that I put my all into pleasing my Dom only to be told that I am lacking. It is very discouraging.

Kelly, a sub can be trained to do things for her Dom as long as they fall within your boundaries. That means, they must respect and accept there are things that are clearly red flag for you.

If I remember correctly, one of your past tops pushed you further than you wanted to go. It upset you, as it should. You figured out that he was not a good Dom.

Similarly, a dom who is rarely acknowledges your sincere attempts to please him, and doesn't show you how, should be kicked to the curb. I consider that emotional abuse.

I totally agree with Aesop here:

If your contact is telling you that you're doing BDSM or d/s wrong then seriously question him about it. There is no right way to do any of this. It's for your pleasure and fun, not some class to be passed. Many of these trolls will try to undermine your self-esteem by telling you that you don't know anything or that you're untrained in BDSM. And they'll usually say that just before or after telling you to do something you don't wanna do. You may not know anything and you may never have been trained before, but remember this: You cannot be universally trained for BDSM. Yes there are similarities in d/s relationships, but no two dominants are the same so no two training "programs" -for lack of a better word - are the same. My wife responds to my facial expression with accuracy at this point, but if she went to another dominant she would have to learn his mannerisms and his likes before she could be considered "trained". So if your guy is telling you that you aren't trained tell him, "Well yeah, I thought it was your job to do that."

Part of the fun or high a dom gets is in training the sub to do what they want for the dom's pleasure. In doing so, they take the sub to a place in their submissiveness they've never been before. Think about that.

As always, my thoughts are for you.

[Ozme52]

Yeah! That one's full of subtleties. I, for example, would never tell a sub that they don't know what they're doing, but will readily say they're untrained... to my needs or desires.

The words "you need more training" regardless of their experience, is part of the process of establishing their submission to, specifically, me.

One good example is finding some position I particulary like... and making sure the sub can attain and hold that position for extended periods of time.

I guess, Aesop, the point of your comment is about the use of the words "doing it wrong." I'm with you there. No need to put up with that.

[Aesop]

Yeah! That one's full of subtleties. I, for example, would never tell a sub that they don't know what they're doing, but will readily say they're untrained... to my needs or desires.

The words "you need more training" regardless of their experience, is part of the process of establishing their submission to, specifically, me.

One good example is finding some position I particulary like... and making sure the sub can attain and hold that position for extended periods of time.

I guess, Aesop, the point of your comment is about the use of the words "doing it wrong." I'm with you there. No need to put up with that.

Exactly. Telling a submissive they're untrained to your needs is one thing and as long as you're expressing that it's an inter-personal issue I don't think there is anything wrong with it. It's that blanket "you're untrained" statement without any clarification of what or how or why that I have a problem with. It's a put down really and nothing else.

[Ozme52]

So we're all more or less saying the same thing... from both sides of the slash. (/)

[Aesop]

So we're all more or less saying the same thing... from both sides of the slash. (/)

Thanks for bringing up that slash Oz. Reminds me of something else to look out for.

Guys who insist on T/this.

The slash typing thing is really a pet peeve with me and I say that up front because it's not always a good reason to back off. The thing that drives me bats about it is that nobody can possibly talk that way. I mean when you're out with your guy to you say W/we? Of course not. You can't. Now I've known some good people who use this because of how they were introduced into BDSM so like I say it's not always and indicator that you should split, but if you're chatting with some guy on IM and write, "I was wondering what you do for a living." and he gets upset because you didn't write, "i was wondering what You do for a living." you might want to seriously consider your situation. To me that always smacks of insecurity on the dom's part and there is very little in our world more dangerous than an insecure dom.

[Brosco]

To add to the list and a variation of 'untrained':

"You aren't a real submissive since you won't do .......... for me"

This is just emotional blackmail. Its the equivalent of "If you really loved me you would ...." in a vanilla relationship.

If he makes the above statement, he aint a real Dom!

[Ruby]

Two links so as not to repeat the essays in this thread.

Choosing a Master/Mistress: Lessons from a Pet Mistress
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3737

"The Acid Test, it might just save you."
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3647

Whether you are in a relationship or selecting a partner, both authors have some excellent warning signs and safety tips that are worth a read.

[Aesop]

Great references Ruby. Thanks for adding them.

[submissivewife]

Thanks Nikki. I have sent my Dear John email. A first for me. I have never done a Dear John letter let alone an email. I found the email easy to write, but sending it was very difficult. I hovered over the send botton for while wondering if I can do this. I did it. I sent the email.

You know, I am a good subbie, I just hope I will have a Dom that will train me and be what he wants me to do. That is my hearts desire.

Thanks everyone for the support, info and friendship. You all have been great.

subwife

[Ruby]

Thanks Nikki. I have sent my Dear John email. A first for me. I have never done a Dear John letter let alone an email. I found the email easy to write, but sending it was very difficult. I hovered over the send botton for while wondering if I can do this. I did it. I sent the email.

subwife

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Congratulations on getting yourself one step
closer to the Dom you are seeking.

All the best,

Ruby

[Tojo]

I can't really see much to add to this thread, apart from the fact that I agree with the whole thing pretty much word for word.

submissivewife, I don't know you, but congrats on taking that step. You can be damn proud of yourself.

The majority of people in any sort of relationship have some degree of dependance on their partner. Ideally we should all be able to be happy by ourselves, then find a partner, rather than looking for happiness in someone else.

You have a way with words nikita- good point about developing an attachment to a D/s relationship or the man himself. My pet hate is the belief that 'a Dom is a Dom & a sub is a sub'. We're all people- every D/s relationship is different & I believe very strongly the people are much more important than the type of relationship. To look for a 'Dom' must surely take second place to looking for a decent person, who may also happen to have Dominant qualities.

Bugger the 'rules' -there are no 'rules'. Do what you feel comfortable with, & if the other person isn't happy, give them the flick.

Tojo

[submissivewife]

submissivewife, I don't know you, but congrats on taking that step. You can be damn proud of yourself.

Thanks Tojo. I don't feel proud of my self. I feel awful. Fighting the urge to call, email, and IM him are hard. I am trying to stay strong. Since I sent him the email I have felt as though a weight has been lifted. But my heart still aches. I know this will get better but right now it is hard for me.

Thanks Ruby, I think your great. Your encouragement is, as always, appreciated.

subwife

[Aesop]

Most of the safety concerns in an online relationship are based on male dominants because they are the biggest threat, but there are some submissives out there who play the part too. Not as dangerous as male doms maybe, but just as destructive to a BDSM relationship.

Over-eager

These submissives are the ones who want to "suck the cream out of your cock" in their first contact with you. They tend to talk dirty and push for your dominance from the word go. They also usually won't give you one bit of real information about themselves. Not even a first name. These people are usually just looking for a quick online thrill and have no intention of building anything with you.

Yeah I've done that...and with twenty people watching.

This person has every toy under the sun and has participated in every decadent act known to dom...and is 22. Yeah okaaaay. Watch out for these subs folks. Chances are good it's crap and you'll get a lot of I can't find it's and I lost it's when you ask them to demonstrate something. If you're a new dom someone with experience can be appealing, but makes sure the submissive has experience and isn't just living in a fantasy world.

The amazing lightning sub

You're in the relationship online and because it's new you have no visual on the submissive, but you're giving her orders and she's following them...you think. Tasks take time and sometimes you'll get a sub who can smack her ass ten times with a ruler in under 2 seconds. If you aren't sure whether or not the submissive is actually doing what you want give her tasks that you have timed yourself so you know roughly how long it should take. If the task gets done really, really fast you may be dealing with this person.

There's more of these too and I'll add them as I think of them.

[Tojo]

Thanks Tojo. I don't feel proud of my self. I feel awful. Fighting the urge to call, email, and IM him are hard. I am trying to stay strong. Since I sent him the email I have felt as though a weight has been lifted. But my heart still aches. I know this will get better but right now it is hard for me.

Thanks Ruby, I think your great. Your encouragement is, as always, appreciated.

subwife

From what I've seen s/m, there's a few people who care about you on this forum- make the most of it. Might be time to get some support instead of giving it?

Oh & it won't get better in a big hurry, sad to say- anyone who says time heals all wounds probably isn't divorced or been through too many devastating breakups.

Here's where you find who your true friends are, speaking of 'acid tests'!

All the best,

Tojo

[Nikita]

You have a way with words nikita- good point about developing an attachment to a D/s relationship or the man himself. My pet hate is the belief that 'a Dom is a Dom & a sub is a sub'. We're all people- every D/s relationship is different & I believe very strongly the people are much more important than the type of relationship. To look for a 'Dom' must surely take second place to looking for a decent person, who may also happen to have Dominant qualities.
Bugger the 'rules' -there are no 'rules'. Tojo

Thank you for your comment, Tojo. You are a wordsmith in your own right. Like you said, people are people and all of us put pants on the same way.

As to online relationships, I met someone, quite by serendipity, and I liked him as a person first, before play came into the picture. I can't speak for him, but I wasn't looking, so the man came first.

Also, 'there are no rules' for D/s, not really, except sensitivity to your partner, especially if you are the dom.

[Tojo]

Thanks nikita, high praise indeed.

It seems to be a hot topic across the sites & forums, how to meet that 'perfect' partner.

If I had a dollar everytime I've heard from a woman 'I tried an online relationship with a so-called Dom, but he was just a weirdo who wanted cybersex' I'd be a rich man.

Such a waste of time, trust & effort which leaves many feeling jaded & hopeless. If only there was an easier way- the 'CompuDom Dating Service' online compatibility test, type of thing.

Maybe a sub should ask for references!

I think the overwhelming thing is not to be rushed- any prospective partner worth their salt will never rush you.

Tojo

[submissivewife]

Tojo and Ruby, You know you are both right. Through this site alone I have found the most wonderful friends that I have ever had. Thanks everyone for your support through all of this.

hugs to everyone

subwife

[Aesop]

More on the dom side of things:

It's all about me.

These doms are the ones who insist that everything that happens in a d/s relationship should be for the dom's pleasure. And I mean everything. They don't care if the submissive is being taken care of or if the sub's needs are being met. It's all about the dom. Don't be taken in by these selfish bullys. Yes a dominant should be giving the orders and having you serve, but it's because you want to, not because you feel obliged to. If your dom is doing this to you do what you would do with any lover who cums and rolls over and goes to sleep. Find a new one.

The two-face.

This one is one of the most difficult to spot and one of the hardest to break it off with. This dom knows all the right things to say and seems to have knowledge of countless activities. This dom also seems to know everything I've been talking about here. He'll agree with these things in public and even in private. He'll even start out doing things the right way, but after some time the orders will start pushing limits, then going past limits. He'll use guilt and your care of him as weapons to get you to do things you don't want to do. His control of you will become more of an obsession than a relationship and he'll use every psychological trick in the book to keep you from seeing that he's gone beyond domination to a form of mental rape. He'll use your insecurities to bind you to him and try to blame you when you don't want to do something he's proposed. This guy is dangerous. If you think your dom is acting this way try to get some perspective from a third party and if he is doing these things, break it off with him no matter how much he begs and pleads for you not too. It won't be easy, these guys are usually charming and amazingly good at manipulating the emotions of other people.

[suki]

After reading some of the responses I feel that I can safely say NO to an online Dom wihtout any guilt. Not knowing what to look for online from a Dom or wanna be Doms is alot like having sex for the first time. You just don't know what to expect, how to react or what to do in order for your partner to enjoy your body as well as for you to enjoy his or hers.


Once again , great insight.

[Aesop]

Glad to help.

[Silke]

Hey, just thought this was a good resource and should be further up in the threads...

Thanks, Aesop...good one as usual!

[wingsofanangel]

I suggest getting to know many in a community and making friends first....

I actually was friends with Ocean long before him being my O/L Dom. He has chosen his Dominate side but sometime ago subbed for a small while. He and I used to talk a lot and I confided in him about stuff and he was always fun to talk to... when I came back to the community.. he had choosen his Dom side.. we talked as friends... and then he helped guide me some.. then it only felt natural to ask him/let him be my Dominant.

I suggest not jumping right into anything but get to know people on friendship levels.. and keep the kink low.. it will help you get to know them and to see if they are interested in you as a person.. or as a piece of meat to have cyber with.

just my thoughts.


Sera (anya)