True Control

[DJade]

“Control is an illusion. The only real control is self control.” That is the premise of one of the lessons I teach my subs. And yet, we dominants strive for control so much, we do not tend to see it for what it truly is- a gift. A gift from our subs to us. A gift that must be earned, and which, once in our hands, translates into a trust that must never be betrayed.
It all starts with integrity. BDSM is partly about mutual need. Dom/mes need to dominate, subs need to submit. We all yearn for one or the other. We all flounder helplessly about, seeking for that which we need, until such time as we happen to make a connection. Maybe it happens by design, maybe by chance. But one thing is certain. It is the sub who holds the control then and not the dom/me. Once an initial connection is established, each looks for compatibility in the other. A sub may be attracted to a specific gender of dom/me, or looks, or strength, or intrigue, but what every sub wants from their dom/me more than anything else- is integrity. Because a dom/me with integrity can be trusted to have their subs’ best interests at heart. To comport themselves in such a way as to not harm that which they seek to control. To lay down the all-important foundation of friendship, love and trust on which every relationship, regardless of type, must be built. If a BDSM relationship does not start with integrity, it is doomed to fail. For those crucial steps cannot be skipped. The foundation must be strong.
For many of us, BDSM is not a game. It is a way of life. And in so being, it is like many endeavors in that one must constantly seek to learn and grow. Dominants must lay aside their pride and egos and remain open to growth so they can become better at dominating. And subs must lay aside their pride and fears in order to empower their owners to use the gifts of control and trust that they have so faithfully placed in their hands. In this way a submissive can also learn and grow, ideally in conjunction with their dominant partner.
Once the dominant is in possession of the control, they must use it wisely, or it can be ripped away at a moment’s notice. If it IS used wisely, love develops, and it is this love that helps secure the control in the dominants hands. Not due to power or manipulation, but because it has been earned through mutual courtesy, trust and respect. It is this love that can render the submissive helpless. It is the false dominant who takes advantage of this love and uses it only for personal gain. But the real dominant shares this love and treasures it for the incredible gift that it is, never abuses it and always acts with honor and in the best interest of their submissive. The real dominant vows to hold that precious heart in their hands and keep it safe, even from themselves.
A submissives position is always one of danger. If their actual physical health is not at risk, their heart is. It is a brave thing indeed to hand over one’s control, trust and heart. Who is it then who is truly the boldest, the dom/me or the sub? Who is it then who has the real control? Control may be an illusion, but it is real. The question is, do those of us who hold it, deserve it?
Let us all continue to learn, grow and love.

[denuseri]

In a word: WOW

[DJade]

Thanks, denu! *smiles*

[moco]

I really like your view on this. It was one of the first things I learned about BDSM, the truth that submissives are the ones with the true control. This is a beautiful post DJ. and I agree with Denuseri "WOW"! Thank you

[love2serve]

OMG! DJade, the words you have written should be read by ALLl dom/mes and subs - they are so very beautiful and so, so true. Thank you.

[DJade]

Thank you, moco and l2s and I am glad you enjoyed it!

[clipcrop]

I really like your view on this. It was one of the first things I learned about BDSM, the truth that submissives are the ones with the true control. This is a beautiful post DJ. and I agree with Denuseri "WOW"! Thank you

~smile. This is something that I have always preached.

[silverwind{MN}]

omg.. Mistress, You do have my heart and thank You for taking such good care of it.. and "wow" seems to echo with this one post so i will just do that again. its been 2 days shy of 7 months now and i would not have missed it for anything <3 thank You Ma'am for being there at the right time for me and teaching me all that You have.. i don't know were this journey is taking me but i am sure enjoying the the trip
love You

[DJade]

Thank you, shy wolf. It has been a wondrous journey indeed and you have taught me things as well. I would not have traded this time for anything!

[silverwind{MN}]

*hugs tight*

[sinful_desires {Nikon}]

Wow indeed!. Beautifully written. Thank you

[DJade]

Thanks, sinful desires!

[Mistress Sandy]

This was thoroughly thought.I really enjoyed reading it,DJade.Very informative.

[DJade]

Thank you, Sandy!

[fetishdj]

A lot of truth there. Control is not taken it is indeed given.

[DJade]

A lot of truth there. Control is not taken it is indeed given.

:-)

[dewran59]

So True and Thank you...

[DJade]

So True and Thank you...

You are quite welcome!

[DJade]

So True and Thank you...

My pleasure!

[LadyAznTiger13]

Your feelings echo so beautifully in this, my lady. How lucky your little ones are to have someone who understands their needs so fully. =]

*bows low*

[DJade]

Your feelings echo so beautifully in this, my lady. How lucky your little ones are to have someone who understands their needs so fully. =]

*bows low*

What a lovely response. Thank you so much!

[werbored]

well stated

[markus_valtion]

beautiful. so pure and inspiring. i thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[DJade]

beautiful. so pure and inspiring. i thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you, markus. Your response touches me.

[DJade]

werbored, clipcrop, tastychococakes, Zaine13,

Thank you all so much!

[bevj]

You have given me the reason to keep looking for the right Dom for me, because I had almost ran away again. I found someone that I believed in and we talked and I felt that maybe just maybe I had found someone that wouldn't just enjoy using that power and then walk away as I've come to hate and almost go into nun hood. I told him things that I've kept bottled up so long and we meet and at first I have the doubts in my head and tell him and those doubts are taken away. I trust him and allow me to come out. I felt so alive for the first time and as we said our goodbyes and he said he would contact me I believed him, well that didn't happen and again I start with the feeling as here I come nunhood or don't want nun and don't get nun and don't have nun. lol I still can't keep that from myself as I even taught my children not to give up and keep fighting for what you believe in and want in life. I am so giving and I feel like Its taken but there isn't any caring behind those that take from me. I would lay it at their feet freely as I've done so many and many times but when I can't feel that it makes me go on the run as a frightened child or rabbit. I've always known that I was submissive since I was a very young child 6 or 7 years old. Thats just me and I want to know that what I give is given back and not taken and then thrown to the ground like yesterdays trash. I've opened up and he trashed me.

For those doms/subs that are looking there is a lot that say they are dom or they are sub be careful and that is very important for the sub to know as well, I've come to find this out a few times and its very hard to find one that really is from the lifestyle and those that have read and know what one wants to hear and even though he wasn't one to make headline news like beat me up or worse there are those that would in a heart beat that could hurt or worse to you or me. Be careful please.

I do want to thank you for your thread it does make me add this as a learning tool and hope that someday I may be happy and loved and cared for.
thank you again.
beverly

[troublemkr{jonjon}]

I think that is one of the most beautiful thread I've read... Thank you. Is it just me ? I feel like something heavy came off my shoulder.

[tastychococakes]

absolutely awesome! thank you for that, it's very touching.

[Zarine13]

This was one of the first things I remember reading.

Beautiful post!

[arden]

indeed, love is the most powerful tool that a Dom/me might weild... but so many are in a hurry, that this bond doesnae git a chance to form. profound trust is what it takes to let go fer a sub, and realy, it willnae 'appen if a submissive feels unvalued, or unloved, because then it is a sure bet that whatever Dominant it is, will end up causein' injury weather bodily or mentally. a great deal o' wisdome written here, and one would hope that others readin' might take a look at the way they deal in relations and carry themselves. fer, just as it is important fer a submissive to carry themselves wi' strengeth and dignity, it is crutial fer a Dom/me to to the same. i think ye greatly fer writin' this, as it is another voice aidin' in what i try to teach others.

yer wild gypsy,