How Has Experience Changed You?

[Flaming_Redhead]

We were all there once....naive, impressionable, wide-eyed and somewhat innocent. My views of BDSM and the people involved in it have changed considerably over the years, not always for the best. I'm curious as to how others' views have changed for either better or worse since getting involved. Here are some of the things I've learned.

1. I don't like the pervasive idea that there are no set definitions for BDSM terms. I believe that there are, indeed, set definitions which are necessary for clear communication, and people should learn them instead of just making things up to suit themselves.

2. I used to believe that the leather community was different because they were more accepting, more polite, more trustworthy, had more honor, etc. The fact of the matter is that kinksters are no different than the rest of so-called civilized society, meaning they are just as closed-minded, rude, ignorant, untrustworthy, and dishonorable.

3. I used to think there were histories and traditions that brought the community together into some semblance of order, but I haven't actually met anyone who upholds any such beliefs as you might hear regarding Old Guard, Old School, etc. I have heard it said often that there is no "right" way to do it....but there sure as hell are a whole lotta wrong ways IMO.

4. I used to think that all I needed was a partner into BDSM, and things would be great....until it wasn't so great. It's more work than a normal relationship ever had time to be.

5. I used to believe in submissives receiving collars, but now I don't so much anymore. They have somewhat lost their meaning and therefore their appeal. I believe in the 3-collar system: blue consideration, red or black training, and metal slave.....without the convenient velcro fasteners.

6. I believe The Next Generation with all their new age talk of things meaning what you want them to mean is unwittingly going to cause the downfall of the leather community. If things have no meaning, there can be no proper respect.....a master who has, in actuality, mastered nothing and has nothing to prove deserves none.

7. When I started out, I thought I could never be a slave. I now see that it is my ultimate goal....to trust my partner implicitly and to be as transparent as glass to him.

8. I am not dominant. I'm just a force to be reckoned with.

9. I used to question my submissiveness....along with everyone else. I am submissive whether you believe it or not.

10. Topping is fun....but being a dominatrix is really just another way to be a sex object for men and to serve their needs. In this way, I learned that it is more about serving than getting your own needs met, so the phrase "submission is a gift" tends to be like nails on a blackboard for me. Try being a bit more humble and grateful for what you have received, even if you think you deserve it.

[shayna{L_D}]

9. I used to question my submissiveness....along with everyone else. I am submissive whether you believe it or not.

Awesome thread Flaming.


I agree with 9 whole heartedly. My reply will come later.

[werbored]

kinda makes one wonder what roles we all play in life real or otherwise
good read , hopefully more do the same.

[Soaul]

BDSM when small had a core set of identifiable members and communities. With the intersection of the Leather and Swinging communities and the sexual revolution came diversity. With diversity, terms have become ill defined and needs and practices are more varied. Many yearn for the "good old days."

Yet, the "good old days" were never as good as once believe. As you noted, the characteristics of Leather are mythologized and a notable few really were as portrayed in the myth. The problem is also with each of us. We or our partner change--for better or worse. So, a situation that once was great is not longer so great. We adjust but it is not the same. That great position now gives me a back ache every time! So, nostalgia is good IF only we don't go back to the way we were.

So, like our American society there are a lot of things wrong with the new BDSM. Yet, there are a lot of thing right with it. It is more inclusive, less intolerant and more diverse. For better or worse it is the BDSM we got. We just need to the best we can and keep our guard a little higher than we used to.

[devilishsub]

Kudos on an interesting post. I don't agree with you on all points, and I probably don't have the experience you do, but I would like to think in the 2 years I've been into BDSM I've picked up on a few things.

1. I think BDSM and terms like sub slave Master Dom etc are ideas and will never have concrete definition. Like terms like liberty and friendship they will always mean something different to everyone. I think having more solid definitions would be wonderful and helpful, however there is nothing any one person or group can do about it since there are no means of enforcing a particular set of ideas. While I do think a general consensus exists in that a Top/Dom/Master is the do-er and the bottom/slave/sub is subject to that doing, there is a lot of room for interpretation. This is a pain in the butt for anyone trying to learn, it allows for a wide variety of experience. In my opinion variety is good and allows for more people to feel welcome and fit in. The more the merrier and quibbling over terms doesn't change my personal relationship so I live and let live.

2-4. Yup.

5. Like the terms in BDSM collars mean different things to different people and if someone wants to use his/her collar for bondage purposes only that doesn't change my collar's meaning to me. Again, standarization would be helpful but in the end isnt going to change what I or anyone else does. In a world where not all are accepting of this lifestyle, I'm glad that my Master doesn't think any less of me or change our relationship because I'm not wearing a collar or have one permanently attached to me. I love the idea of a collar for all day wear, but to me that can come in the clothes he picks out for me to wear or a ring. Imagine if someone didnt have a neck or was unable to have a traditional collar on, would that change any feelings of respect or devotion? I don't think so.

6. I'm going to try to make my argument without contradicting myself and getting convoluted. Lets say BDSM relationships are all cheese. I'm into cheddar you're into provolone. Its just different types of the same basic thing. Because I call my Top Master and someone else calls there's Pookie doesn't change the dynamic. I think your issue is with those who "play" at BDSM using it only for sexual gratification without an accompanying respect or seriousness with a lifestyle of power exchange. This has to do with the gradual acceptance of alternate sexuality. People are more free to play and experiment. With this I liken it to the gay community, in 1950s the only people that would be in a club making out with a same-sex partner were homosexual and only identify as such since it wasn’t acceptable. Now it’s commonplace to see those who identify as straight engaging in homosexual activities. I don’t think this makes gay people less gay. Therefore I don’t mind others engaging in BDSM related activites and don’t think it cheapens my relationship.

7. Yup

8. Totally agree and awesome wording

9. Yup.

10. I think a dominatrix can get her own needs met and isn’t necessarily a sex object. I think it all depends on what you’re into. Otherwise I need to stew over for awhile.

I apologize for the long post.

Thanks FR for giving me something to do at the Laundromat!