???

[Bound to be]

Not sure if this is the right place to set this question.

I have been interested in BDSM from a distance for some time and have never really found a way in, I see people offering themselves up as slaves and others looking for a slave but I dont think this is what I am after. I like the idea of some of the physical aspects of this life, its amazing to have something to pull against and to be challenged by someone who enjoys setting up intense situations, to push you physically further than you thought you wanted to go. But I feel I want more from life than just this, I dont want it to be the centre of my world like so many here want, (and that is fine, to have found something you want so much is a rare thing) I guess I want more from life, which may have led me here in the first place, but not sure if this is where I want to be.

I however have not successfully managed to get involved with anybody in this lifestyle, partly because I am not ready to submit to sombody who hasnt earnt that from me and partly because I am worried I will dissapoint them as I dont know enough about how this lifestyle works.

I keep considering just giving up on this but always feel it is an avenue as yet unexplored fully, yet I dont know how to go about getting involved.

After such a long winded stream of confused thought, I guess my question is this...

1/ How do I meet someone who can help me to explore this life?

2/ Does anybody else on the outskirts of this comunity feel like giving up on this, feeling that it may not be the answer to that gap in your life?

[bobdole12345]

I think that's a noble goal and you've asked a difficult question. It's not easy to get involved in the lifestyle and something as awesome and all-encompassing as what SM can truly be can seem at times that it's worth basing your whole life around.

But it's not.

There needs to be something more in your life, a reason for living, something to strive towards and give you purpose. No matter how good it could ever get, trying to fit BDSM into that hole will only give you heartache and constant disappointment. You're looking for something big and BDSM looks big, but it will only leave you empty wanting more. Which is not to say that it's not worth anything--it can tremendously enrich your life. But it has to enrich your life, not be your life.

[Bound to be]

Thank you, the thing is I already lead a (what I would consider) a busy life, I have a unique job that is more fulfilling and more challenging than anything I have come across. I am not looking for this to be my life but at times it seems the only way in is to have it as the centre of it all. How do I find a person when I am up against people willing to give up everything to be with them, and I cannot make that sacrifice.

It may just seem like whinning, but it is something I can not see a way around. I am working abroad and it is coming to a close in a few months, It is tricky to find a relationship knowing things will end soon, so I am waiting till I return home before I start to look. I just feel maybe It is time I tried a relationship along these lines but am not sure how to find one.

[lozzy]

I just wanted to mention that not everyone here does in fact use BDSM in every part of their lives. How you interpret what this means to you is entirely up to you. You can play in the bedroom, you can only let it affect certain parts of your life, you can have a long term play partner whom you only see once a month just for playing, you can do whatever EVER you want to do.

There is no set definition of slave or sub or dom or anything at all - it's entirely what you want it to be. You need to try to define exactly what you want from this, and what your goals and aims are, and then find someone whos definitions match yours - someone who you're compatible with.

It's not about trying to fit yourself into a certain hole.

It's ok to not want to submit 24/7 to someone.

Just think about what will work for you, and talk to as many people as you can, ask as many questions as you want.

Remember - finding a bdsm partner is just the same as finding a regular partner - you're gonna have to go on a helluva lot of first dates to find 'the one'.

Unless you marry your high school sweetheart... then good on you.

[damyanti]

There are no two people and no two relationships alike. BDSM is just an all-encompassing term, there is no right or wrong way about it...you have to find what works best for you. Some people want this only as a bedroom game, others want it as 24/7 TPE, most fall somewhere in between. It is my pet hate when some ignoramus poser says I am not real or true because I dont identify as slave (and this comes from subs and doms alike, maybe even more so from subs)...I just usually cut the conversation short, because I am who I am and I owe no justification to anyone. I am neither bottom nor slave, I am submissive...and I am still trying to figure out what that means, what that means to me and what it means to my partner (present or future). I am enjoying the exploration.

It is ok to want more from life, most people do. And I would chance to guess that most people here have that, (even those who identify themselves as slaves). Just, this is a BDSM forum, so most people tend to discuss that and sometimes it can seem overwhelming, if you are new or feeling down and vulnerable.

There is nothing wrong being unable to submit to everyone who says that they are dom/me. I cant. And I wont. I also know what you mean by inexperiance...but everyone has to start somewhere.

Also dont feel that this is some sort of competition against other subs who you think are more submissive. Just as all submissives are not submissive in the same way and have different expectations, so do dominants. The best way to get what you want is to state it clearly.

1/ How do I meet someone who can help me to explore this life?

2/ Does anybody else on the outskirts of this comunity feel like giving up on this, feeling that it may not be the answer to that gap in your life?

2/ Yes, I have felt like giving up, more than once...usually after a bad experience or after feeling (not unlike yourself) that what most people want is way out of my comfort zone...but I didnt give up, because I always knew that this is "the answer to that gap"...I could never be fully satisfied or happy in a purely vanilla relationship.

1/ Patience, (i know, ). You can try chat room and Personals section on this site...or on other sites (but I havent used those, so I cant recommend any). Post on the forums. In some areas you can attend munches, or even dungeon/play parties. Or maybe you get really lucky and meet someone the vanilla way. In the mean time: read, read, read.

Good luck

[sinfulsex]

hey,
wow how many times have i thought this.
i am always scared i will not be good enough for anyone, that i wont be able to please them, that i wont be able to do everything they want from me, but as i have been told before "thats what training is for" and its true, how are u meant to be the best at something when in reality you dont know what is expected of you, it is quite a steep learning curve and submitting to someone is hard, even if you are submissive naturally, even harder if in your everyday life you are a "dom" so to speak.
to trust someone to be your Master, its a huge thing in me eyes, you have to be comfortable that they know your limits, will only push them if you want them pushed and that they get to know you.

" am not ready to submit to sombody who hasnt earnt that from me"

you shouldnt submit to anyone that hasnt earnt that from you, if they havent i dont think either of you will get the best of things.

of course this is just my opinion, which does lead onto the next point

unfortunatly doms dont just pop up when you want them, although it would be handy huh? like any relationship vanilla or otherwise it may be ages until you find that person that you can submit to, or it may be a matter of days. you can go to munches, talk to people on here, put an add in the personals section anything, although when you do find someone and maybe meet up please make sure it is safe!!!!

any dom that isnt intrested in your safety isnt worth your time..

you may feel this isnt going to fill the hole in your life, but you never know until you try right?

just my two cents, hope it helps

emma x

[Pearlgem]

Yours is a lovely and genuine query, B, and please rest assured there are people here who feel about 'the lifestyle' exactly as you do. Really, not everyone here is fully 24/7 or has given over their whole lives to slavery. Sometimes folk express their aspirations and desires in such language on line but in real life it may not be so much like that. The Library is a great place to find things out, so read the stories and the threads and join in with questions or comments. Find out what BDSM means to you, who you are, how you fit in, and what you want. But never feel you have to mould yourself to fit a perceived 'norm'. It doesn't exist, as I hope you'll soon find out.

I look for relationship first and foremost and I must get to know someone really well before I let them in. I am by no means 24/7 although I enjoy knowing my submission is a very real part of me and I enjoy carrying that secret knowledge day to day. I get on with my real life, which is most of my life, and for me, BDSM is means of fulfilling my deepest desires, maintained on line with my lovely long-distance Master, and acted out with a passion every few months as our circumstances permit.

Welcome to the Library, B. Hope to see you around. x x

[Bound to be]

Thankyou all for your time and honesty. It is very appreciated.

[Tempscire]

I'd probably go as far to say that the majority of people in the BDSM lifestyle don't go for it 24/7. You just have to find a level that you're comfortable with and run with it. As has already been said there's no set way to enjoy the BDSM lifestyle. It's such a wonderfully varied and satisfying lifestyle that it will always be what you make of it.

I understand your concerns about how to approach a relationship with BDSM in mind. You don't want a 24/7 thing so that would preclude just looking from a slave on a forum. You're probably going have to go with one of the more mundane routes of getting a girl/boyfriend and then having to subtly find out if they're into the lifestyle at all. From my own perspective I don't think I could ever have a truly vanilla lifestyle ever again, but you may find that anyone you find can fulfil you whether they're into the scene or not.

Best of luck to you anyway

[jeanne]

You're probably going have to go with one of the more mundane routes of getting a girl/boyfriend and then having to subtly find out if they're into the lifestyle at all.

I do not believe this to be true. And frankly, it sounds like a lovely way to drive oneself crazy.

I am not 24/7. To be brutally honest - I did 21 years of marriage. I have no interest in catering to the every whim of a man again on a daily basis.

I have an intense, satisfying D/s relationship with a Dom who I see on a regular basis for a few days at a time. This works for both of us. Outside of that, we chat regularly and have a good friendship.

Do not let anyone tell you that the only 'good' submissive is a 24/7 slave. That the only 'real' BDSMers are the ones who are "on" all the time. That is crap. Whatever level of D/s and/or S/M you want in your life is perfect - for you.

[leah06]

When I first joined the Library, someone PM'd me with some advice. Part of it was not to take the links to outside materials too seriously, and also not to take the stories too seriously. These are lovely fantasies, but if you want some sense of the reality I would stick to people's postings. Use common sense about taking some of them with a grain of salt also. You'll see that many people aren't as hard-core as you seem to imagine. You might also check out some of the threads on fetlife.

[DowntownAmber]

I certainly wouldn't worry over the fact that you don't care to be a slave or a 24/7 submissive. Not all Dom/mes even want or can handle that level of responsibility.

Many Dom/mes aren't always looking for significant experience either - many prefer training in a novice to suit both their individual preferences.

As others above me have stated, this lifestyle is all about finding what works for you and your partner. Partners can be found by chatting on sites like this, local munches, or (to mirror Tempscire's suggestion) the good old fashioned go-out-and-meet-someone-in-real-life-and-actually-get-to-know-them route. Sure, a site like this is great if you wanna pick a play partner, but it does get infinitely more tricky when looking for a life partner (if that's your goal). From personal experience, I have found far more folks that share my spectrum of interests in real life that also happen to be into BDSM than I have found kinky online or munch friends that have been interested in the "vanilla" sides of my personality. Yeah, I require a Lifestyle partner to be happy, but that's not all I want and that's just not the first question I want to ask when I come across a guy.

Don't give up yet - you may look and, sure, there's a chance you'll never find anyone that suits you. But if you stop looking you've just guaranteed you'll never fulfill your desire.

[Bound to be]

Thank you all again.

I am not concerned that I dont want want a 24/7 life style, I know that isn't what I want, I was just lost in the fact that there are few doms to subs out there (Female to Male) that the competition to find someone that way inclined and convince them to try to risk a little time on you is a little daunting when I feel I am out bid on how far I will go. at the moment.

You have all been very helpful as I try to shift my perspective on if I am wasting my time and also (unexpectedly) helping me to clarify to myself what it is that I want.

it does lead me to the question of without promising more of yourself than you can deliver (and I am willing to deliver a fair bit) how do you approach a dom. Even just for emailed questions on entering the lifestyle. I get the impression that the doms are spoilt for choice (and you could argue that that is rightly so. lol)

[demon_child]

hi,
i am so glad you posted such a question. i have been interested in bdsm for a couple months now and found this site just a few days ago. the good thing here is, it has clarified quite a lot of terms and concepts i had misunderstood before.....
BUT
on the other hand it has raised so many more questions concerning myself.
reading some of the comments has really overwhelmed me because i couldn´t see it happening for/to me. and i had started to doubt myself if i am even submissive or not. i thought, "thats toooooo much", maybe i´m "just" into kinky sex after all.

to read that there are others who are struggling just as much as i am is a great relief. thank you

the best of wishes to you

lg, nicole