Depression in a sub role

[sinfulsex]

hey
i would just like to start of by saying this is in no way meant to offend anyone as it could be a sesitive subject but
i know i am naturally submissive and i also have depression, as i am studying psych at school i was just intrested to see if the majority of people with depression are more naturally submissive or are more dominant. its just a query whether you become submissive because you are depressed?
does anyone think there may be a link, its something ive wondered about for a while.

sorry if anyone thinks that was hurtful in anyway
emma

[RickBulow74]

This is a good question, and one which was brought up in a discussion I was leading on disabilities. HOW can those who have mental illnesses partake in BDSM? I mean, I had read all of the pages on PHYSICAL disabilies and BDSM, but nothing on MENTAL sisabilities. Umless I happened to miss reading about it in my studies.

[sinfulsex]

well surely it depends on the mental dissability in terms of depression and say dyslexia theres no problem unless its for serious cases, put for people with much more serious mental disabilities is the same level of submission or domination. it was a subject i always was curious about

[fetishdj]

I think a Dom has to be aware of all issues a sub may have - be they mental or physical - and account for them in all that they do. You don't, for example, want to be putting someone in a position where they are facing their phobia trigger (unless you are a qualified psychologist doing it for a therepeutic reason).

Depression can be a problem if the Dom is not careful of it. You can send a sub reeling into a deeper spiral of the condition if you are not too careful. On the other hand, a decent Dom could actually improve the condition of someone with depression by building self esteem. Also, good sex is an excellent anti-depressant...

[Mdv8ed]

I don't think that having depression makes you either a Dom or Sub although it could add on to being more irrational while in the role of such. For instance a Dom could possibly take his/her frustrations on a Sub undeserving of punishment (at the moment). A Sub could possibly become too dependent too quickly on any Dom who shows him/her a touch of affection.

This is just my opinion, but I do believe that it is possible for someone with depression to take the role of a dom or sub simply to relieve burdens of their daily life. They could grow accustom to the lifestyle without having any attraction to it.

I think a Dom has to be aware of all issues a sub may have - be they mental or physical - and account for them in all that they do. You don't, for example, want to be putting someone in a position where they are facing their phobia trigger (unless you are a qualified psychologist doing it for a therepeutic reason).

Depression can be a problem if the Dom is not careful of it. You can send a sub reeling into a deeper spiral of the condition if you are not too careful. On the other hand, a decent Dom could actually improve the condition of someone with depression by building self esteem. Also, good sex is an excellent anti-depressant...

I definitely have to agree here. A Dom that either does not know his power or abuses it for selfish "therapeutic" reasons is very dangerous. If a Sub is very prone to depression or very dependent to begin with then a Dom could screw with their psyche. The gain for the Dom here would be for them to have unneeded control over their sub's daily feelings, actions, attitudes and overall self esteem. There is no trust here just a pretending power hungry Dom.

When finding a Dom try to look for one that has both of your interests in mind. Trust has to be built up, also remember that the sub gives the power away and can take it right back if it's abused.

I'm not sure if this helped or I'm only referring to a personal experience of a good friend of mine but good luck.

[sinfulsex]

lol i would have to agree that good sex is an antidepressant.
my question is though do you think that being submissive is in someway linked to depression. or how can i put this better? erm depression is more common in submissives?

[TwstdKittie]

Well, I'm a sub, but I've never thought about it in that context. I'm currently on medication for clinical depression, so it basically bumps me up to the level I should be. I've found that even without the medication, I don't have a problem with feeling any differently about being a sub, or while doing something as a sub. It's a great question though, and now I'm really intrigued as to what everyone else thinks.

[Pearlgem]

Presumably if you're depressed, your positive feelings of self worth are also depressed. Does your question imply that a significant number of submissives are drawn to submission because they lack positive self worth? That they submit as 'rightful punishment' on themselves?
Most subs on here claim, I think rightly, to be strong, feisty characters and absolutely refute being 'doormats' or any other term that implies lack of self worth. Submission is presented as a positive, fulfilling choice or need.

Or do you think the impulse to submit lies in deeper psychological realms than this?

[sinderella]

speaking only for myself, i feel that i have been a submissive all my life and didn't necessarily 'become' one. although i did suffer physical, mental and emotional abuse by my mother, my father was very loving and caring and never harmed me in any way. we were very close until he died when i was 14. i suppose my mother's abusing me is why i could never be interested in being submissive to a woman, although i could see myself assuming an active role if i become sexually involved with a woman, although i wouldn't be interested in subjecting her to any pain, i would use her then kick her out of bed as soon as i was satisfied, which would make me a terrible Domme.

i have been fortunate to never suffer from depression, and even though i came from a harsh background, i have always been happy. perhaps my father exiting my life early made me look for him in other men, and to a young girl, Daddy is strength and power, so maybe that is what made me a submissive, or maybe it is just my personality. sorry if this is TMI - although i don't analyze it anymore, i am just offering my own experience as to what makes someone a sub, and i do know every girl is different and at different stages of her journey. thank you for this post.

[sinfulsex]

pearlgem that is exactly what i wanted to say! im just awful at putting things down. i think that is one of the reasons that i think im submissive. also sinderella im sorry all that happened to you, it must make things hard but i think what you are saying makes sense, i would be intrested to see how many other subs have had similar experiences?!

[blythe spirit]

There's a thread in BDSM Talk, titled "Science and BDSM" which might interest you.

[dapperling]

i am a submissive, and do sometimes tend towards depression. However i have always found that a good BDSM relationship actually alieviates my depression- the ability to let yourself trust someone is an incredible feeling, much like falling backward and knowing someone will catch you. I think it can often occur that someone with a tendancy toward depression will seek out comfort in a BDSM relationship purely to hide from their own personal issues. But if they are honest with themselves they will know that it is not the submission that makes them depressed but their own self-esteem issues that hold them back.

On the same note i know a man that i would group as a Dom who also tends towards depression. And perhaps i would argue that he finds comfort in the relationship from the sense of control. The ability to control what he loves to protect them...

At the end of the day i think it all falls down to you as a person, not whether you tend towards depression that affects your role in a D/s relationship

[munajadida]

I'm a sub and I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. My submission only extends to sexual activities (the rest of the time, I'M in charge), so I'd feel if I were in a D/s situation all the time. For me, I find that the worse my depression is, the more likely it is that I'm going to want gentle, vanilla sex. Of course 99% of the time, I'm not going to want sex if I'm depressed.

My hubby is a dominant-leaning switch (mostly dom because I'm sub). He has Borderline Personality Disorder. The erratic nature of Borderline may have something to do with why he's a switch. It certainly keeps my sex life interesting - he's always coming up with ideas for new things for us to do.

[buDdha]

This is a really interesting thread; I'm interested to learn more from what folks have to say.

I take medication for clinical depression, and I am most happy when a sub, though I do like to switch periodically. Although, for many people, depression is about feelings of a lack of self-worth, and I know that, when I am depressed, I can feel like I'm not worth anything. BUT I also know that, in general, my self-esteem is pretty good, and the work I've done with my therapist reveals the degree to which my depression is chemical, given that I've done a whole lot of personality/behavior re-forming, but the depression remains. So I think that depression is pretty complex, and different from person to person, so I'd resist interpreting the question to suggest that subs have lower feelings of self-worth.

Anyhow, I agree that, if I feel like sex when depressed (which is rarely), I would be more likely to opt for very vanilla, gentle sex. I can imagine swinging really too hard to have D/s sex when depressed.

I'm actually often feeling quite spunky and sparky and good about myself when I return to the bdsm desires. Being a sub is not about being a doormat, and I need to have enough feisty-ness to make it worth while

I have spent a lot of time trying to gain control over my depression, through meditation, medication, self-examination, analysis of my history, character re-development, the like. But just as I haven't been able to find a "reason" for my depression, neither can I control it enough to say I have found a "cure." Perhaps allowing myself to let go as a sub is something that I have a hard time doing with my depression, and it's deeply relaxing. I think that learning to ride the waves and retain equanimity is a valuable lesson for anyone, particularly those who have depression. I can ride out my depression like I can ride out my spankings . . .

I've only begun to think of this, since you posted it, so I may disagree with myself shortly. I just want to ask folks on this thread to be gentle, as depression is terribly personal and painful.

[Kahlann]

I suffer from bipolar II which tends to have more depressive cycles and less extreme manic cycles.

I think I can actually track when my bipolar began to manifest itself (at the time I didn't realize it, but looking back it matches up with what I've learned to be my different cycles) and it actually matches up with when I became aware of and actively interested in BDSM and my submissive side.

I know that when I am going through my depressive cylce I want to rely on someone else and need them to take care of me. I justify my self worth off if I am pleasing them and making them happy.

I know that when I am stable I still want to submit, but I don't need someone else to take care of me. I am able to enjoy other aspects of life. I care about my own wants and needs yet still am able to make sure my dom is happy.

When I go manic, I have a tendency to be... wild... I get out of control a lot, and suffer from something that is like an axiety attack, but it isn't... yeah I never can explain it right. My head gets overloaded where I'm thinking about a million different things at once but I can't process any of it and I panic. I start with rocking and need to get out and away from where I am. Once I actually bolted out of the car I was a passenger in, and took off down a major roadway. Needless to say once again I need someone else to take control away from me. I need for my own well being to be submissive and be taken care of. At this stage I don't always like it though. I'm actually far more interested in the sex and all the physical aspects. Luckily like I said before Bipolar II has less of these manic phases thankfully.

So I think in my case, yes my need to submit seems to be linked with my mental disorder.

[wayne]

my mum has been suffering with depression and anxiety attacks for nearly 4 months now the tablets that she takes for her depression and anxiety attacks are not doing anything in fact they are making her depression and anxiety attacks are making it worse for her and top it all she has just had a nervous breakdown through worry and fatique so now she is taking more tablets for her breakdown

[symphony]

well i have a mental disorder and im a sub however it has improved by exploring my submissive side more. In my opinion what made it worse was not being able to be who i was, now i am, and it got better. So i think that maybe if there is a link between submission and depression maybe it stems from not being able to be who they are rather than looking for the punishment they think they deserve.

[Spankmeplease2009]

I have had a history of depression my whole life. I am always prone to bouts of depression but every so often I really get in a depressed spell and I have been suicidal before. I can say that I would not want to participate either as a sub, which is my preference, or as a dom in any bdsm activity while I am in this spell. I would not trust myself when depressed to be a sub because I my keep asking for more because I think I deserve it, and not in a good way. I would not trust myself as a dom because I tend to have a lot of anger associated with my depression and I would not want to do real damage to someone. I cannot speak for anyone else though. Everyone's experiences with depression are different. I am not judging anyone who participates in these acts while depressed I am just saying that I feel extra caution would be warranted.

It should also be noted that I don't consider myself a sub or a dom. BDSM activities are strictly a sex/pleasure thing for me. I guess I am not a part of the lifestyle in that sense. I like to play either role in sex but nothing beyond that. So with that in mind, my opinion may be much different than a sub/slave.

[thir]

hey
i would just like to start of by saying this is in no way meant to offend anyone as it could be a sesitive subject but
i know i am naturally submissive and i also have depression, as i am studying psych at school i was just intrested to see if the majority of people with depression are more naturally submissive or are more dominant. its just a query whether you become submissive because you are depressed?
does anyone think there may be a link, its something ive wondered about for a while.

sorry if anyone thinks that was hurtful in anyway
emma

Not at all.
I really must find the links to the research that shows that people into BDSM are not different from vanillas - I keep needing them. Speaking in this case of depression: Since there are no more depressive people among subs than there are among a non-bdsm group, this cannot be the case.

Personally I would imagine that a depressed person would have trouble finding the energy to get into a bdsm relationship - but that is perhaps another matter.