Submissives & Slaves: Who am I? How did I get here?

[thepast]

A discussion thread for submissives & slaves to talk about & describe their experiences, both good and bad, and their journeys to becoming submissives...

A place for new submissives & slaves to ask questions about being a submissive or slave...

This thread is open to anyone, but is primarily designed for submissives & slaves to discuss their experiences. If you identify as a Dominant or switch, please post your journey into the appropriate thread.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

I don't know how much of an effect a person's childhood has on whether or not they are kinky when they become adults. I know that it is often a stereotype that submissives were abused as children. I was not one of those statistics, if the stereotype is indeed true. I was raised in a kind of strict family, mainly because my father had put thirty years in the military and because of his generation (he was almost 50 when I was born and my mother was almost 40). So I was raised to be a good girl, to obey, to be quiet and not raise too much of a ruckus. This was despite the fact that I was a tomboy and really rebelled once I reached my teens. Sex was never discussed in my family and it was an unspoken rule that I was to remain a virgin until I married. I did kind of follow that rule. I remained a virgin until I was 25 and then became engaged to my first lover. But I still caught hell from my father once he found out that I was no longer a virgin.

I have always been kinky. All of the sexual fantasies I had as a teenager were kinky, which involved me being kidnapped, raped, forced to submit to a dominant man. I devoured historical romance novels and loved the ones that contained scenes of "forced seduction" (and I still love them to this day). All the erotica and porn that I read back then were BDSM-related. All the erotica and porn that I read and write today are BDSM-related. As I was maturing I saw it as the simple order of relationships: the male is dominant and the female is submissive (my views have since changed, of course, because of dominant females and submissive males and switches). But this is the way I viewed relationships and sexuality.

I didn't date in high school or even college, because I had very low self-esteem issues and was very shy and withdrawn. I'm a loner by nature and I've always been one who hates being the center of attention. I prefer to blend in with the woodwork. So once I started graduate school I still had not ever been on a date. So my best friend and her boyfriend at the time hooked me up with someone, who ended up being my first husband. I ended up dropping out of grad school and marrying him and the marriage was a disaster. He became a drug addict and an alcoholic and was abusive. And he was strictly vanilla. He did tie me up once and I loved it, but he didn't get anything out of it himself. If he had, then maybe I would've brought up the subject of kinky sex with him. But it didn't turn out that way. After my divorce I decided that I was going to look for someone who was into BDSM.

I discovered the world of online chat rooms and websites. At first I just went into the adult rooms and began to cyber with men. Then I gradually shifted towards the other kinds of chat rooms. I also discovered the many BDSM websites. I began to read a lot and got a lot of books on the subject, trying to decide what I really wanted and needed from BDSM. I began to meet Doms in the chat rooms. My very first Master was a switch and I quickly learned that I could not be a Domme for him. It just wasn't in me. I wore the velcro collar a couple of times, where I would not hear from my Master for a couple of weeks and then find out that he had collared another online sub and didn't tell me about it. I also had a Gorean Master and was a white silk kajira for about a year and a half. While I enjoyed being in Gor, I knew that it really wasn't for me. Then I met Master online one night. Something told me that He was the One. W/we chatted, sent e-mail and snail mail and called on the phone for a year before meeting IRL. He came down to spend Christmas and New Year's with me. Then He went back up to His home to settle some things and came back to me in late January. Ten months later W/we were married. I have been His collared submissive for nine years now and W/we have been married for almost eight years.

One thing that I have trouble with is understanding why I enjoy certain BDSM activities. I belong to a forum for women that has boards on sex, and while there are some kinky people there, most of them are vanilla. Their ideas of being kinky are anal sex and threesomes. So when I tell them that I'm a pain slut or that I enjoy age play, they can't understand why. And I can't really give them an answer. I have never been one to analyze why I enjoy what I do. I've always been a "go with the flow" type of person when it came to my sexuality and didn't look for all the deep psychological reasons behind my submissiveness or my BDSM activities. My stock answer has always been, "Because it's fun and I enjoy it." And I wonder sometimes if I owe anyone an explanation anyway. The only people who should really care and need to know are Master and myself, not some stranger on the Internet. All I know is that I'm kinky and submissive. It is who and what I am. It is one of the ways that I define myself. And I am proud and happy to belong to the BDSM community.

[BorderCollie]

I always like women bound, and *laffs* as a kid used to like seeing Louis Lane tied up in Superman (Yes The black & white ones).
Never really had the right feeling with a girl to Dom her (and had my share of girlfriends), until one night was with the girl I was living with cracked the shits big time, when a bloke I was doing casual security work rang me up with several mins notice to work that night.
An argument ensued, and for the 1st time in what was 7 years together she started hitting me, so I handcuffed her hands behind her back, and went and had my shower before going to work.
In the shower I had a woody, so hard you could crack a flee on it, when I went out to the lounge room, there was my partned all red face and as wet and horny as hell.
Since then, I've always gone for the Submissive bondage woman and have married a brilliant sub. I hate 'nilla sex as a rule.

[MISTRESS H]

I myself do not care what other's think, they have their own problems juggeling the events of everyday life. I was at one time in your shoes, it was when my master passed, that I adapted the thought that I am what I am, and if people cannot live with that, then so be it. Thank you for your candid statement, it does not take a slave to post the truth, it takes an honest person, one that is in tune with herself and not the wishes of others.
Keep this ideal and you will enjoy many times over the arrangement that you have, I did for nineteen years.

Mistress H

[angelic.zest]

im a 25 yr old submissive living in northern Jersey.

i started reading sites on another site, at that time i was talking with a Dominant online and he was like, "if you want real stories, go here"..he gave me the link to the library. From clicking the link, i read this one story he recommanded and was totally weirded out by it, and tried another and extreme disturb by it lol..so thats how i got here
im a totally weirded out, disturb lil girl from the stories now lol

[Eponine]

wow sisterhoney- nine years- that's awesome..

i'm like you too, not big on analysis. i've done it, but what's the point? i like what i like, need what i need, always have, always will...

and so it's just always been... since i can remember... which is age nine...

but it's all fine with me!

[enseignez-moi]

Another Jerzey girl here. It started young for me, teen years probably. I got hooked on nifty.org and clicked the bdsm link just to see what the stories were like. many years, and much story-induced self gratification later, i'm here and coming into my own as a sub. It's a learning process for both my girlfriend and I, since she hadn't the identification with being a Domme like I do with being a sub. We're now happily working on experimenting and while still vanilla in some aspects, it's coming along nicely.

I know that childhood and things that have happened to me play a large role in this for me. Part of it is that in being a sub, I'm not a victim anymore. I know to the common person it seems that that is exactly what a sub is, but really it's not. My Domme takes care of me, listens when safety becomes an issue, and is diligent in seeing to the proper after-care. Being a sub has allowed me to feel powerful in a role that was once forced upon me. It's part of who i am, and what i choose to be. And for me, it's a welcome relief. I'm a teacher and thus spend most of my day in a more "dominant" position. it's nice to come home and not have to be the know-all-be-all figure.

and sometimes teachers need time-out too. :-D

[Seri]

I can’t remember when it began for me; I believe was when I was seven or eight. My favorite game was ‘Power Rangers’ in the dungeon, and then continued from there. I did come from a controlling family, however that didn’t begin until after my parents divorced when I was young teen. To this day I can’t actually remember the day, however my childhood games had started long before that, so in a question of Nature verses Nurture, I suppose it’s always been my nature to be submissive. As for any online involvement, this is honestly my first time. I recently moved to a rather backwoods area, and the tastes of the people my age in this area are rather…restrained (no pun intended). I decided I needed to find a small community, and this seemed to be the least oppressive and the most open I could find.

[enseignez-moi]

Well welcome hunny! ::hugs:: Def. not oppressive here... couldn't get further from it...

[Seri]

Thank you Enseignez-moi!

[hopperboo]

Okay, I wasn't ready to share all of that to the whole dang world. I'm sorry, I should have checked to see if this board was open to the public or not.

I have my post saved on my computer if anyone would like to read it PM me.

I'll be more careful about what I write so I don't do this again, sorry everyone. :- S

[digitalcalliope]

Wow honey, I really connected to a number of things you said in your post. Thank you for your story, I hope things continue to go well for you.

[PropertyOfMasterJoey]

i've always been a very responsible, confident girl put in all kinds of leadership positions. i was the president of every club, the lead of every play, the oldest and only girl of 6 children, and i thought that's how i'd always be. Then when i was around 8 my parents split up and at 11 my daddy died and i felt so alone and scared all the time. A few years later i met a fabulous boy named Joey (now Master) and His mom had died when he was younger so i felt like He'd understand. He's the total opposite of me. He's the youngest of four kids, never had much responsibility, was never in charge. He needed someone to take care of and i needed someone to take care of me and we complete eachother. It felt so good to get rid of all the stress that came with being a leader. With my friends and in the business world i'm still incredibly confident and strong, but only because i know i get to go back home where i have no responsibilities or worries aside from pleasing Master, which is far from a worry cuz it's what i love :-)

[denuseri]

i guess for me things really started the nite i saw my owner and his wife in a club downtown in the city where i was going to nursie nurse school, i was very intrigued by the collar and leash she had on not to mention the handcuffs, (it was a goth-industrial rave bar so her attire wasnt so out of place, i ran in to her needing help in the bathroom later that nite and gave her a hand after which i was invited back to thier booth, we had a great time, and i ended up going home with them that nite for a nitecap, it was the start of a wonderful relationship with them that was cut short when they had to move overseas (he was in the military at the time)

i had subbmissive tendencies before that but never had really pursued anything at all bdsm related before (they were goreans btw), after them i was kinda restless, and couldnt find anyone really into my kink, a brief relationship with a few different vanilla guys and girls,

i lucked up and found a domme quite by accident at work she had invited me out for drinks a couple of times and we got on well for a few months but she was way too militant anti-guy for me ,

then one day i kinda converted a nilla guy to the world of spanking my hinnie, but i had no real idea how to get him to dom up, finally we found an older dom that started to show us the ropes which for us was a mistake at the time as the old guy kinda swept me right out from under my bf at the time, he took me to fancy resterants, high level society balls, the sympony etc etc even a few bdsm play parties for the rich, showed me his stables (he was trying to groom me to be a ponygirl), it was lots of fun but i baulked when he wanted it to go to the extreme of like actually living in his barn full time with his brace of other girls (one of which was a friend of mine that hooked me up with him to begin with), he kept pushing and esculating the power exchange to fast for me so i ran off

i traveled for a while and took a big break from the scene

later i got burned out when i came back to the states and kept looking for the right guy or woman to dom.domme me, and allways falling shy of what i really needed, eventually i went online which didnt turn out very well at all (see the abuse victums support thread for that story), but ultimately it all turned out for the good as it eventually lead me back into the arms of my first and now current owner where i am today, a well trainned and satisfied girl keeping the k in kajira

who says yu cant find love

[lucy]

I think i've always been a submissive. There is not a certain point i became aware of this. Every time i was entertaining fantasies they had a submissive/humiliating or just downright nonconsentual subtext. Some of those fantasies were and still are so "bad" and out of the way i usually like to depict myself that i never even dared to put them into a story.
And the whole idea of actually acting my fantasies out and submit myself to somebody else was so terrifying and "wrong" that it took me more than a decade to finally stand up to them (or rather, face my true inner self). Because, an independent girl who more or less knows what she wants and where she wanna go in life just doesn't do that, right? My parents teached me to trust myself, to rely on myself and to stand up and work hard for what i want. Being a submissive didn't seem to fit. It took me quite some time to figure out that to actually live out my submissiveness would be exactly that: To trust in myself and to work on getting what deep inside i knew all along i wanted.

So i had a couple of vanilla relationships but apart from one time (which turned out to be a bad decision) i never told any of my BFs about my desires. The most submissive it ever got was giving BJs while kneeling in front of the guy.

Finally, when my last relationship broke i realized that one of the major reasons it didn't work was because i didn't get at all what i really wanted and needed. I started to browse forums and websites, and finally got to know another sub who happened to live very close. We met a couple of times, talked about what it means to be a sub and what would i like to try out. I finally got more comfortable with those feelings and yearnings. And then she set up a date with a guy she knew to be a good Master, and after some time filled with talking, phoning, chatting and dating i became His (actually it was much more than „some time“).
And so far the journey into my submissiveness is totally awesome, even if most of the stuff we do probably is still rather vanilla. Don't know where it will lead us, but at the moment i don't care about it. I'm just enjoying.

The reason why i joined this community is that Master told me to share my stories. He says they're good. Me, i completely disagree, but then again, he's the Dom so i guess he's right.

[MacGuffin]

Every time i was entertaining fantasies they had a submissive/humiliating or just downright nonconsentual subtext.
Let's be careful here and not confuse nonconsensual fantasies, like rape, with consensual bdsm submission. There is a difference.

And so far the journey into my submissiveness is totally awesome, even if most of the stuff we do probably is still rather vanilla.
Vanilla or bdsm doesn't matter. They are merely labels. The most important consieration is, do you enjoy it, and awesome answers that question.

Me, i completely disagree, but then again, he's the Dom so i guess he's right.
How could I possibly disagree with that comment

[lucy]

Every time i was entertaining fantasies they had a submissive/humiliating or just downright nonconsentual subtext.
Let's be careful here and not confuse nonconsensual fantasies, like rape, with consensual bdsm submission. There is a difference.

Of course you're completely right. I am fully aware that there is a huge difference between lying in bed and entertain fantasies of a nonconsentual nature and willingly and on my own choice submit to another person.
I utterly detest nonconsensuality and when i am on the story board, the tag "nc" usually keeps me from clicking on the link to the full story. I tried to write stories with a nonconsentual plot, but found out i couldn't do it (however, i realized that stories with the "nc" code get much more attention)
Still, those fantasies are within me. And they're a great disturbance, but i think that's fodder for another thread.

[beldonna]

One day 15 years ago I was watching a movie called I Spit on Your Grave. Instead of being appalled i was turned on by the fact that she was being used. Something about being bound and forced has always titillated me but I never understood these feelings, considering I am very dominant in most of my life. One day I found a man that opened my eyes to the "Life" But unfortunately at that time I was not ready to receive or "come out of the closet". That was 5 years ago. I find it is a need now that i can no longer ignore,or live without. The door is open and I am ready. I have vanilla relationships nothing serious but I find them so unfullfiling and not because i don't like their company. I also long to be part of a community where my "kinks" are accepted.

[aussiesubgirl]

I probably do conform to the stereotype mentioned above in the post by Sister Honey. I am the eldest child in what was a strict Catholic family while I was growing up. From the age of 4 to 11 I was sexually abused by my next door neighbour's hugely fat, brutal and mildly retarded 20-something son, something I never told anyone about as I feared so much for how much it would hurt / kill my parents to know that.

But even from a VERY young age (~5 yo) I had sexual fantasies about being tied up and fondled by strangers, beautiful women restrained to a bed in suspender stockings and probed and touched by all manner of masked Doctors etc (I found and stared for hours at my Dad's stack of Playboy magazines probably a year before these fantasies started hence the details I could put into them!!)...I even used to draw pictures of the scenarios - being a quiet, shy and somewhat 'loner' child I was a very naturally talented artist and could draw almost anything I wanted....and drawing those images gave me a deliciously dull, but fluttery feeling in my tummy....until one day my father found the drawings under my bed and I came home from school to find them pinned to my bedroom door (for everyone in the family to see) and asked to explain what that filth was...I remember getting a severe beating that afternoon with my father's belt and have never felt so much shame before. Even the sexual abuse made me feel less shameful (probably only because it was/remained concealed) than having my dirty drawings and ideas exposed to my family who were my entire world at that tender age.

I have had lots of lovely, loving and caring relationships, but never really found true fulfilment from my previous sexual relationships and my (as it has been called) 'excessive' and 'voracious' sexual appetite was exciting at first to my BF's but after a while it managed to exhaust and emasculate many a man...it didn't even work with women - my girlfriend (that I loved deeply) and I had wonderful, exciting sex at the beginning of our relationship, but unfortunately even she eventually fell into the common female stereotype of not wanting sex once the relationship had become 'comfortable', committed and established. Out of love for her I made the sacrifice of denying my own highly sexual nature, but years of lonely masturbation in the dead of night, trying not to wake her and frustratingly tender but unsatisfying cuddling (but nothing else) was the end of us.

My analogy of previous sexual relationships is that it was like constantly having an orgasm that built up and up but was ultimately cut short right at the end...so even though you enjoyed yourself, it was never quite deep enough, it was somewhat hollow and unfulfilling, leaving you strangely depressed and empty...

Just recently I have started dating a man that completely overwhelmed me from the very first date...the minute I met his eyes, I started to shake (and embarassingly sloshed white wine on my black boots!) and then could barely say 2 words to him for the first 2 hours of our date! Luckily he was patient and knew how to calm and soothe me...and after a few hours (and more wine!) I relaxed in his presence...we had a wonderful night together that ended with a kiss the likes of which I had NEVER had before...his hands reached around me but instead of the tentative, reverent embraces I was used to his hands went straight into my hair and roughly forcing my head to be still with my long blonde strands wrapped around his hands (I used to hate having my hair pulled -but now I love it!!) and gave me the deepest, most savagely satisfying, possessive kiss of my life...there was something so powerful about him, not just his large beautiful body, but in his personality, a confidence and charisma that practically oozed from every pore....because I am still such a 'good girl' it went no further than a kiss and I sent him back to his hotel...but we met again just a few hours later after we had both slept a little and all in all our "first date" lasted for 5 days...

After seeing each other for less than 3 weeks (we had been having sex since the 4th night of the 5 night date - I couldn't resist any longer, although he made me make the decision!!) one particularly flirty day of texting (he lives in another city) turned very kinky and with talk of spankings and tying me to the bed, and it ended with me calling him Master (I don't even know where it came from cos by that stage I had never read any BDSM lit or seen BDSM porn!) I was so turned on and wet from playing the "naughty girl" I was almost coming - via SMS!! Only in todays world...LOL...he gave me some instructions and said he would drive down and see me, and I was beside myself with anticipation...

Within an hour he arrived at my door (he must have REALLY floored it!) and I opened the door dressed as he requested and a trembling, shy, slightly embarassed smile on my face...I had never done or said anything like this before but it all seemed to come so naturally to me it was frightening. But what was more frightening was the hard look on his face and the strange light in his eyes....he seemed like he had become a totally different person, still the incredibly sexy man I had fallen so hard for, but now with a cold as steel personality replacing the funny, caring and chivalrous man I had seen for the last 3 weeks....I could not look him in the eye anymore. Even though my pussy was still dripping wet like never before, I was so scared I almost lost my nerve then and there in my front doorway...especially since I instinctively knew that this man had the physical strength to do whatever the hell he wanted with me, and it dawned on me I did barely know him - God knows what this man was going to do to me! But being stubborn and proud (often to a fault) I would not let myself back down...also I detest people who do not live up to their word and talk the talk but won't 'walk the walk', so I raised my chin stubbornly to meet his eyes and saw the faintest twist of his mouth in a suppressed smile - before it vanished into harsh rebukes for failing to follow one of his orders (he demanded I get us a bottle of wine and I had no cash on me to buy it and frankly was not really able to walk to the shop to get some considering my almost trance-like state of arousal from our messages)...

Even though part of me knew his 'anger' at me was all part of the game (that I had almost unwittingly initiated by a fairly innocuous, flirty line like "I've been a naughty girl"), I could not bear to have him disappointed in me and I hated him being cold and angry with me. I didn't even consciously think it, but my mind with an unspoken force immediately knew I would do anything to make him happy and loving with me again...

I was swept along into the game, feeling like I was being sucked into a black vortex of filthy, overwhelming desire...scared as all hell, like never before, but locked into his will like a deer in the headlights. We had established a safe word while he was on the trip up to me, but being stubborn I thought i would not need to use it. I wanted to prove to him I was strong and brave (despite feeling the complete opposite) and that I was liberated and confident enough to live up to the kinky promises I had made over the phone. He was alternatively cruel and hard on me and deliciously gentle...the swaying back and forth was messing with my mind in such a way I could barely remember my own name let alone remember to call him Master when I addressed him - earning me more cruel and hard punishments...my fear went through the roof when he reached into his backpack (the only thing he brought with him) and showed me a small but wicked looking folding knife. I swear my heart tried to burst through my chest, but my pussy clenched and throbbed at the same time, keeping pace with my thumping heart. He used the knife to cut my black nightie from my body, then forced me to choose which of my breasts would receive pleasure and which would receive pain.
He gently sucked and played with one of my hyper-sensitive nipples, then turned and tormented the other by biting and smacking and crushing it cruelly in his large strong hands. He kept alternating between this agony and ecstasy for what seemed like and hour till my left nipple was bruised, purple and starting to bleed.

Then he humiliated me by forcing me to stand bent over, my arse placed right in front of his face, while he heavily spanked me causing red and purple bruises to arise almost immediately...stripped totally naked in front of the second floor window. I live on a very busy street in the middle of the city with lots of pedestrians at all times and I would have been clearly visible to anyone who happened to glance up as well as the other neighbours across the street whose windows looked directly into mine. The pain but more so the shame was overwhelming. I felt the tears rising up in my throat like a hot bubble of bile. Images of other long hidden, shameful things in my past rose up to assualt me and I was suddenly outside of my body - seeing myself in this position, in front of a man I felt like I barely knew - especially at this moment - horrified that a family on the street out for a perfectly normal Sunday stroll would see me and all my shameful secrets would finally be known to the world.

He could not see this breakdown happening to me as I was faced away from him, but when he ordered me to turn around, kneel in front of him and unzip his pants he saw my tears running silently down my red hot face, and my desperately stubborn chin was quivering with the pain of repressing the need to burst out into loud noisy crying....my hands shakily went to his jeans to do as he demanded, then he stopped them catching both wrists in one of his hands and held them till they were still. I couldn't meet his eyes and kept the focussed blearily on the carpet in front of me, but I knew he was looking at me hard and searchingly, examining my face in minute detail. He was holding my wrists together stretched out in front of me, which pressed my naked breasts together and scraped the brusied and broken nipple against the soft skin of my arm, causing me to whimper very faintly. He demanded I look at him, but I could not do it. I was overwhelmed with disappointment that I had failed him, diappointed him and that I was not strong enough for this 'game'. I knew that I had a safe word to use (established while he was on his way to see me) but I could not bring myself to use it, again out of stubbornness, a desire to prove myself to him and the intense need to please him.

Because he knows me even better than myself, he began to quietly talk to me in his deep strong voice, asking me gently but firmly if I needed to stop. Awash with shame and disappointment because part of me did not want to stop but the fear of being mentally broken by the images in my head was even stronger than my desire. All I could do was nod dumbly as the tears flowed faster and faster and I began to sob. He held me against his strong naked chest (god how I love that big strong chest) and I just stared numbly at the hairs curling across his pecs to his pierced nipple. I felt like I had fallen down a steep, dark hole and could not climb back out.

After about 5 mins of stroking my hair and letting me calm myself, he softly demanded I
talk to him and tell him what I was thinking and feeling. Not being very good at verbally expressing my feelings even at the best of times, it was as if my tongue had been cut from my head. I desperately wanted to tell him everything, help him see that I wanted more than anything to please him and that he had pleased me, it was my own mind that had betrayed me, not him...but the words would not come.

He gave me some chilled wine to drink as my mouth had gone completely dry. And again he wanted to know why I did not use the safe word. Tears welled in my eyes as I stared at the floor, knowing I had the control that could have stopped this before I felt so vulnerable, but I refused to use it. I had caused this myself. Again, he knows me better than myself and immediately guessed at the reasons. He verbalised the reasons that were running through my head but could not be forced from my mouth.

He placed my flimsy robe around my shoulders, helped my arms into the sleeves tenderly like dressing a small child, stroked my hands still held lightly in his and calmed me enough to finally be able to speak to him. We had one of the most raw, gut wrenchingly honest conversations two people could have that night. Each person completely beyond being able to play any more games or pretend. After what seemed like an age (the sun had gone down by this time so it must have been at least 2 hours), he reached over into his backpack again, and my heart sunk. Was he going to start again? I wasn't ready.

But instead he pulled something small out of there and asked me to hold out my wrist. He looked deeply into my eyes, and said "I bought something for you. And I was going to give it to you if our day went well today". Then he wrapped a thin leather band around my small wrist and buckled it onto me. His deep, sexy voice told me gently that as long as I kept this on I would belong to him. Again, tears started to hotly form in my eyes at the implication (in my own mind) that I had ruined the day by my weakness. I desperately wanted to belong to him, and for him to have given me the leather band of his ownership in the glow of happiness and sated sexual gratification rather than misery and weakness.

My heart was wrenched with love that he gave it to me regardless, and that he wanted the world (and me) to know that I belonged to him. He stood up and took my hand to lift me from my still kneeling position on the floor, barely able to move because of the pain in my raw buttocks and legs that had gone cold and numb. Still holding my hand he lead me upstairs and lay with me, holding me in his huge strong arms, gently stroking my hair till I was in an almost trance-like state again - but this time of love rather than arousal.

In the weeks that followed he had to leave the country for three weeks (his job requires him to travel constantly to distant and remote locations for weeks at a time). I also was away from home for my job, and we had sporadic contact. I ached for him. I could not get the images of that day from my head, but they no longer shamed me. They aroused me in deeper ways than I could have imagined before. Sometimes whilst working, an image would literally force its way into my mind and my chest would restrict so tight that I could not breathe, and my pussy would instantly flood with juices.

While separated by distance, we sometimes talked about the day we referred to as "that Sunday", and I told him that I wanted to trust him and trust myself again enough to try to fulfil both of our fantasies and needs in that special way I now KNEW I needed. My Master often says that pain and fear means you are getting close to something...and I knew I was on the edge of discovering a new me - the real me. I dreamt nightly of how I could show him that I was worthy of trusting me again to try to be better, stronger and more worthy of his ownership.

He returned and we resumed our previous sexual relationship (the way that it was before "that Sunday") - which is still spectacularly, wonderfully dirty and physical. He is still the only person I have ever met that can satisfy my needs - even in a 'vanilla' sense. We did not stray too far into the kinky side of things beyond some rough sex, light spanking and anal play (which I do not consider kinky anyway - just natural and wonderful). But the memories of that day stood between us, and being unspoken in many ways meant that they started to chip away at my own self-trust and my trust in him. I felt that him not wanting to dominate me again (as I so desperately wanted) was a sign that he had given up on me, and that killed me.

Desperately disappointed that he did not try to lead me there again....I felt too lacking in self worth to initiate it with him, too afraid he would reject me for failing him last time - and thought it would also offend his Dom nature should I try to manipulate him to make it happen. We danced around the subject briefly on his last night in town, but as we had plans with friends that night we headed out before doing anything about it. And giddy with lust from our conversation I drank too much and it went straight to my head. That ended our last night together with me fast alseep all alone.

He left again on Monday, for another 3 weeks. We are only 5 days into the first week of his absence now, and I have spent every night throbbing with unsatisfied desires (I have self-imposed chastity upon myself until he returns as I want to wait for his touch to release me from this prison and as punishment for my failure the first time) and started to try and work out why I felt the way that I did, what a 'submissive' actually is and why it made me so incredibly weak with desire.

This site has been crucial in my journey of discovery, as well as the BDSM library. Teaching me what I love, what repulses me, what frightens but intrigues me and where my hard and soft limits are. I told him last night via the internet that I was ready to try again and I needed him to lead me. And where he leads this time I will follow. His imagination is breathtaking in its scope and darkness so I don't imagine I will get away with anything lightly and gently next time but I am at peace with that and wriggling with anticipation of what his strong, capable body and devious mind can do to me.

Thank you all for helping me realise I am not a shameful freak and that this can be part of a healthy 'normal' (whatever that is!) life.

I apologise this has gone on muuuuuuuccch longer than I ever intended but has been incredibly cathartic for me...its not like I can tell my very straight vanilla friends this story!!

XXX
Aussiesubgirl
(soon to be inducted by her Master Todd)

[Vespertine.oz]

Think I've always been Dom,
Can remember walking home from school and dreaming of tying grls to trees in the creek I had to cross to get home...

Used to make the walk home very short and very hard ....lol

[aussiesubgirl]

mmm...nice image!

[lucky#13]

i have long new i was a submissive... since my first sexual experiences... i loved anytime a guy would push my head down on his cock till it was hard to breath, or being spanked, or anyway they tried to demean me, it would just make me wet... watching tv shows or reading anything with rape or forced sex... just turned me on (never would i actually wish for that) ... i found myself jumping from guy after guy trying to find something to fulfill my needs... i began to get a reputation and it was sumwhat fulfilling b/c i got the disrespect and humiliation i was after... i was no longer a human being to them but an object... however it was a SAD existence and life... it was not only emotionally draining but physically as well... since i was just an object there was no stopping them they had no care what they did to me... my current Master actually was appauled with what had happened to me in my one experience... which caused temporary physical trauma... more then a bruised buttocks or welted tit... i knew i really wanted a loving caring relationship where my sexual needs of pain and humiliation were fulfilled but by someone who did it out of love and compassion.. who forced me to submit to his will and serve him but loved me at the same time... a guy that made me want to kneel before him and give my body to him in anyway he deemed fit... i know my nilla sexual experiences weren't cutting this and would only lead me down a further darker path... i finally got the courage to join this online group.. i had been an avid reader of the stories for months before... during my first visit to the online chat room i met my now Master... i took a few commands and exchanged emails... secretly i never expected to write or hear from him again.. then another and another... i soon found myself taking online commands, routines... training sessions.. i was blatantly honest to him.. despite risking punishment.. i tried several times to run or purposely mess up our relationship.. i never thought i deserved anything good in my life... let alone him... he would write me back and somehow seemed to know exactly what i was thinking or trying to do... he knew my history and knew what was instore for me if i fell back down that path... he loved and cared for me...gave me the moral support i needed when i had no self esteem... lol often my tasks or punishments (b/c he knew i HATED them) were exercises to help my self esteem like saying "i am pretty" outload so many times... or forcing myself to smile or look for happiness in things and having me write him back on my results... he obviously did not only satisfy me emotionally but physically as well having long online sessions.. instructing me on ways to cum/ witholding my ability to cum and pain and pleasure play... he gave me a reason to want to be happy... in a way he gave me myself back again... granted he owns me haha ... but i am sure you know what i mean... alas though it has only been online so far... and while i LOVE every minute of it i long for the day i am able to see/ touch him in person... i have never been happier and it is all thanks to this wonderful sight and welcoming community ... lol lil corny i know

[shayna{L_D}]

So im stepping in late, as always. But for me i can tell you excatly when it happened and how it happened. The story isnt as awe-inspiring as some of the others on this thread but here it goes anyway.

I always knew i was submissive, i just didnt know there was a word for it. A lot of people called me a doormat in the vanilla sense. If there was room full of people, id always ask if anyone needed anything, or if i could refil glasses or make food. Anything to make anyone comfortable. I would also go out of my way for anyone, even if i didnt know them. I would drive them places, give them food/money/advice, thing of that nature. Never expecting anything in return, not even a thank you, and believe me a lot of needed thank you's were left unsaid.

When I was living with a few friends in a house we were leasing, people would come over and the first thing out of my friend's mouth would be. "if you need anything ask, shayna, she will gladly get it for you." It was like my job, in a way, i liked it. Making other people happy, servicing them, knowing that i am the reason why they are happy, most of the time, or in that moment. I was used by a lot of people that way and it almost left a bad taste in my mouth. Until i just stopped one day, put my foot down to those who used me, made of fun me for my submission to others, and to those who called me a doormat. I knew i liked to service people, and make them happy i just needed to find the right person to do it to, someone that accepted it, accepted me, and didnt take me for granted or use me. (in a bad way )

I moved out of that house and was living back with my parents, i had just turned 21, and was doing a out-of-the-way favor for a friend. This favor lead to my journey into submission. I met the first and only girl i will ever love. She was kinky, wild, free, confident, charming, and sadly a player. People warned me about her, but she had this power over me already that no matter what anyone said i still went back for more, like a bee to honey.

We were together for two years. Although the relationship never went D/s persay, it did have an undercurrent of someone having power over someone else. Outside the bedroom it was me who had the power. I didnt ever abuse it, just used it when i needed to. Everyone would always say "we know who wears the pants in this relationship", oh what little did they know.

The bondage aspect of it happened when we were 'exploring' each other. Since i had never been with a girl, period. It was new, scary, intimidating, exciting, all rolled into one. I have this slight problem cumming, i have never been able to (still havent and thats a whole other tread all together), and she naturally wanted to help. I dont want to get into details, for those details are for my thoughts only. But i will say that it ened up with me tied, blindfolded, and begging. I loved it, i wanted more, i needed more. She let out a side of me, that i had never known. I wanted to know what the hell this all was, or if there was even a name for it. Low and behold there was.

Thats when i found the library, there was actually words, for what i was feeling, wanting, expierenceing. I was overjoyed with all this new found news. She on the other hand wasnt. She liked the idea of me, bound and gagged but thats as far as she would go. She wasnt into everything that i was. So what do you do with these new found sexual urges? I supressed them, brought out my submissive side a little more, turned over the power to her outside the bedroom, and inside the bedroom (as much as she'd let me).

Our relationship went down hill after a few months into it, but we stayed together becuase at the time we thought we loved each other. Which little did i know she was just out being a slut with other girls...*clams down and gets back to topic* I let go of all the bdsm thoughts and didnt dig them up until i got away from her. It was almost like she made me feel ashamed for liking what i like. Weird, almost that i could be into something so 'wrong' in her eyes. Once i was away from her, (moved away, far away) i accepted what i liked and who i was going to become, i didnt want to have to hide it, for myself, or anyone else.