Sir G's Musings

[Sir_G]

Those of you that know me know I have had a few small upheavals in my life of late. Go to non erotic poetry to witness my misery in all it's rhyming glory. For those who don't know me and don't care, I'll bring you up to speed. I have recently seperated from my wife, bought a new house and started again, been told by two neuro surgeons there is nothing they can do to alleviate the pain in my low back, aquired a kitten *shakes head* and generally felt like my life is in the toilet.

So nothing too major going on there. Today while I was listening to the million or so voices in my head - some accusing, some guilt ridden, some nice, some not so. I think you get the picture. I realised that I am happiest of late when I am writing and expressing myself. Perhaps happy is not a good description because there have been times when I have had way too many tears happening to even see the screen and felt destitute and abandoned by all who profess to love me.

When you are going through what I have been you tend to try to find all sorts of ways to find some kind of meaning and purpose in and for your life. And today it struck me that I have several things that I use to remind me that there are people out there that I love and who love me. Which brings me to the symbols I use in my everyday life to do that. Two I am wearing as I type this. The first is a watch I was given this Christmas past by my two sons. It's a Rip Curl Surfers watch, water proof to 200 metres and has more sentimental value to me because it was given to me albeit unceremoniously by my two boys Scott and Mike. The second is a beanie that Mike won along with a lot of other prizes when he won a surfing contest about 3 weeks ago and that I pinched off him claiming because I had paid the entry fee I was entitled to a share of the booty.

He was somewhat disgruntled at my mercenary approach to "his" prizes but grudgingly went along with it saying we would be co-owners of said beanie. Ha! Posession is nine tenths of the law kiddo.

There is a third that I wear often but just had a shower and had taken it off to dry my fingers and it is a Celtic Cross ring. My wedding ring in actual fact. These three things remind me that there are my two sons that love me and they will always be flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone. The ring reminds me that there was a love I shared with a woman that I still love today as much as I did when I met her and that tells me there may be another out there for me or maybe not. I used to scoff at the saying "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." But now I know its meaning in spades and understand some of the crystal clear moments of understanding that go with that when you have revelations concerning any statement of truth. I'm not saying that is tue for you but is definitely true in my situation.

I'm trying to think of other things I use to symbolise other things in my life but at the moment I can't because my focus is on what I have been writing. And this seems so important to me at the moment. I know I will walk away from the computer when I am finished and be able to think of hundreds more of symbols I have in my life but they pale into insignificance at the moment. And at the end of the day you can only live in the moment to be truly happy.

I can remember thinking I will be happy when I get this or aquire that. A house and land is what is important. Having a Harley is paramount to my staus as a biker. Only if I could have these golf clubs can I truly play to my ability. Well, houses are money pits, harleys rust and tarnish, golf clubs gather dust and they all add up to nothing in comparison to the ones you love. They are there to distract us from our true purpose in life and that is to...

I know what my purpose is do you?

[donriser]

Hello Sir G,

I don't know you at all, but want to say thank you for sharing a glimpse of your heart. It was meaningful to me. I wholeheartedly agree that when you remove all the "important" busyness of life and sort through the distractions, what really is fundamental to our existence is relationships - with those we love and with those who so dearly love us. What a rich gift you have in the midst of such a difficult time to remember and symbolize that love.

I couldn't sleep and found myself here reading this thread. Thank you for the gift of your reminder. It's much appreciated.

donriser

[donriser]

Hello Sir G,

I don't know you at all, but want to say thank you for sharing a glimpse of your heart. It was meaningful to me. I wholeheartedly agree that when you remove all the "important" busyness of life and sort through the distractions, what really is fundamental to our existence is relationships - with those we love and with those who so dearly love us. What a rich gift you have in the midst of such a difficult time to remember and symbolize that love.

I couldn't sleep and found myself here reading this thread. Thank you for the gift of your reminder. It's much appreciated.

donriser

[tydnchaynz{NSXX}]

Sir G....i don't know you either, but having suffered a very recent upheaval in my life as well, i can sympathize with some of what you're going through. i too have two sons that are my world, even though they seem bound and determined to drive me insane at a young age!

Your use of symbolism got me to thinkin' and wondering if there are any that i use in my life. i'll have to get back with you on that as i'm going on very lil sleep and am not thinking clearly at the moment. i will keep you in my prayers and i hope that life begins t get a bit easier.

[icey]

a touching post, you sound very strong.

im sorry things have been so bad for you,i hope there starting to look up a little. its good you have your two sons by your side they can be hard work but they bring a lot of laughter and love with them too.
so do cats,people sometimes laugh at me but i find cats are very sensitive and always know just when people need 'petting' too.
so enjoy your cat

naff post sorry,i just wanted to say all the best, icey xx

[Sir_G]

The above posts are why I frequent this place and have done since I joined. I have changed and grown so much since I joined. It's a place where complete strangers can become lifelong friends and never actually meet. It's a place where relationships begin and end, it's a place where life happens and predators hang out.

Of all the things I've learned recently the standout is that their are no such things as absolutes or for evers. Yet in some lives and minds there are and that's ok too.

Icey, I am strong because I have to be and I am strong because posts like yours help bolster that strength. donriser thank you for your kind words and tydnchainz my wish for you is that you recover and heal from your upheaval.

Doubtlesss there willbe more musings down the track when I venture out to post again. LOL.

[butterflySlave4u]

Posting is good...it puts your heart in your hands, right in front of you where you can see it...and when what once is cloudy becomes clear, it's easier to deal with. I write alot, mostly for my own amusement, and it helps to organize my thoughts, maybe even to prioritize my life. So keep writing....we'll come back to watch over you....Karen

[thrall]

Big hugs.........

In words we share. Sometimes its easier sharing in a forum where no one know us in real life. If it feels good to write, then do it. I feel you bleeding G, and if this is patch that you need to stop the flow........then use it.

thrall

[crazy_grrluk]

The second is a beanie that Mike won along with a lot of other prizes when he won a surfing contest about 3 weeks ago and that I pinched off him claiming because I had paid the entry fee I was entitled to a share of the booty.

He was somewhat disgruntled at my mercenary approach to "his" prizes but grudgingly went along with it saying we would be co-owners of said beanie. Ha! Posession is nine tenths of the law kiddo.

HAHA kids just hate that dont they. I'm like it with my 2.... i paid for you to get it so there lolol. they dont find it amusing mind you but they do eventually get over it... grinz.

Am glad also that you have managed to find a few things to keep your mind occupied.

I look around this house and see things that Master has left behind... photos of when he was here last... like the one i can see now out of the corner of my eye... when he dragged me into London for the day :s and we visited the London Dungeons lol and that is another story. he basically got sentanced to death via hanging because he was Aussie LMAOOOOOOOOO. the Judge mentioned that fact that we sent our bad guys there and not recieve them LOLOL oh that and the fact they claimed he was wearing a pink boob tube LOLOL

cg

[***Kate***]

what a great post
thanks for sharing

[Sir_G]

Again thank you to all who have replied. Kate your signature about women and cats is just sooo spot on, crazy girl I'm gla dthe trial was a mock one we've got enough bloody Englishmen over here and there is a sign at all our International airports saying "Fuck Off we're full", and butterfly slave yes, writing does that for me too. It is good to know nice people like you are watching over me.

A special hug for the whisperer who has been there in my mind since this whole saga began and I dare say will be there when it ends or fizzles out and I rise like the Pheonix, reborn to start anew.

[thrall]

It is just life......the routine of our lives seems oppressive when there is nothing to spark the flame.....no breath to kindle the fire.......

We smolder G.........our lives are always there.....always hot....ready to flare and burn.....all you need to do is take a breath of life........and breath life into the flame.........

hugs
t

[thrall]

Hey........

I guess i just need to jerk you around a bit and make you smile........lmao...

HHHMMMM lets see.........how can i wrangle a smile out of you........and make you laugh.....???

*wink*.......

[Sir_G]

You just did.

[thrall]

*wink*

i know........and that was the idea!!!!!!

[caligirl{Rob}]

What a wonderful post Sir_G! I think when we take time to look within and find our passion we bring new light to our heart...it is too often when we are looking outside of ourselves for our "happiness" that we find ourselves disappointed. This is something I struggle with but with the help of MR am working towards finding my own passions...I hope that you continue to write (if only selfishly for me to see more of that wonderful AV of you!)

biggest hugs!
cali

[tina2008]

Sir G, I'm speechless and quite teary-eyed after reading your beautiful, heart-felt post. Although you have certainly experienced enormous and very emotional changes, the ability to find so many positives is absolutely amazing. I have no other words to say except, thank you.

Take care

[Sir_G]

Thanks caligirl and Tina. My greatest sadness is that it took the woman I had ignored for such a long time to leave for me to wake up and find what is really important to me. And I am aghast at the amount of people who say to me I'm probably better off without her. And you'll find someone else. Also the myriad numbers of people out there that are so out of touch with what's in their heart and when you talk to them they are like stones.

I watch them as the tears fall from my eyes and they just can't deal with it and quickly make excuses to leave. It's funny how when your up people flock to you and want to be around you. But when you are gutted and sad they avoid you like the plague. So you find this place within yourself that puts on a mask and smiles for the camera and your friends for their comfort. Bacause they won't let you grieve, and don't want to hear about your broken heart.

Life is strange and as Jim Morrison said in a song he wrote with The Doors: "This is the strangest life I have ever known..." But life does go on, it has to and so it shall amid the tears and the laughter of a billion souls across the world. But this I know too, I am unique and there is no one else like me or you the reader. Knowing that is just as important as all of the above. Because there is nothing that is trivial nothing that is unimportant.

[lily27]

I wish there was something to be said to make it all better, but unfortunately life just sucks some times. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that it will all work out for the best, for you, in the end.

You just have to have patience. Can you believe that I just said that? Me??

Please take comfort in the fact that you have many friends here that are always willing to lend an ear. Even those who seem to have drifted away are never that far when you need them.

I am quite suprised that they give away rainbow coloured hats with propellers on the top as prizes in surfing competitions. You really should post a picture of that sometime...

[lily27]

Oh... and if you are willing to trade your new kitten for my 9-month old puppy that already weighs 85lbs, I will happily put him on a plane in the morning.

[Sir_G]

Ahhh Lily! You D 9 you bend over and adopt the position. 85lbs my god what is it a dinosaur. Thanks for the words they put a smile on my face. Hope that other bundle of joy is doing well too. Isn't it funny how life changes so quickly. And it's a bloody tuke you Canadian bone head.

Big hugs to you.

[jeanne]

Sir G, thank you for being so open about your feelings. Life changes are hard, particularly if they aren't ones we choose. I'm glad that writing is helping you sort yourself out.

Sidebar: lily, if you want a kitten, I have 5 newborns. I'll gladly ship you 1 or 2 or 3...

[thrall]

Sir G, thank you for being so open about your feelings. Life changes are hard, particularly if they aren't ones we choose. I'm glad that writing is helping you sort yourself out.

Sidebar: lily, if you want a kitten, I have 5 newborns. I'll gladly ship you 1 or 2 or 3...

LOL.....if you lived closer id be there to pick up 2! I need brothers though....

[lily27]

I don't particularly want a kitten... I was just thinking it would be a good trade for the puppy. It would have to be cheaper to feed, at the very least.

I am not sure about dinosaurs, but we do think he might be part pony. He is actually german shephard / malamute as far as we can tell, and just about as dumb as dirt. Cute though.

As for the babe, we have found out we are having a girl, and she should be here in July. She is kicking up a storm, and quite enjoys using my internal organs as a trampoline. During each of my exams and ultrasounds they have commented on how "busy" she is. I think we are in for it!

But you are right G, life does change quickly. And sometimes bad things have to happen in order to make way for all of the good things in store.

And it is "toque".

[thrall]

G...

there are two kinds of friends....good time friends and bad time friends...

some are only there for the good times......and when they need you. They are the good time friends ....and will leave you flat!

Then there are the bad time friends......the ones who will stand with you in the worst of times......and see you through.

Keep the bad time friends G.......for they are truly your friends.

Time G........all you need is time. Time to move away from the center of the pain. It will get better i promises. There is a clearing through that thicket of trees you cant see through.....

Breathe for me..... and smile....


Hugs....

[Sir_G]

Well I had a wonderful birthday weekend and many thanks to all those who left birthday wishes on my profile. It is always a wonderous thing when I log in and have PM's or profile greetings from those that I know and even from those that don't. It is just another blessing from those that belong to this wonderful online community.

I spent Friday and Saturday with my ex and we talked and did things that we haven't done for so long. That included a full moon ritual (we are pagans) on Friday night and went to lunch at a nice winery on Saturday with her sister.

As I was leaving on Sunday morning to visit my son for the day she spoke to me at the car and set me free. She had been asking me to wait while she worked out what it was she really wanted. She said it wasn't fair to do that to me and she couldn't bear to see me in pain so we needed to just be friends and see what happened. I had been hanging on hoping but all the while knowing that this separation must play out and we must truly work out who we are and what is important in our lives.

For the past 29 years I have been in some sort of relationship. Never really been on my own and the thought of it terrifies me. But growth without pain is never the way of things. And to grow I guess I have to bleed a lot this time. And it still feels like I'm bleeding to death. There is such an empty feeling in my gut when I wake up in the mornings. But also a feeling deep down of hope. I have never been faced with so many options and choices, possibilities that boggle my mind. I watched a movie last night called "Meet Joe Black" with Brad Pitt and Anthony Hopkins.

The plot is about a highly successful media magnate who's time to die has come and death in the form of Brad Pitt decides to give him some extra time and to experience life on a human level. Death meets Anthony Hopkins characters daughter and falls in love with her and tells Hopkins character that he is going to take her as well. That is unacceptable to Hokins and he convinces death not to do it and death returns the Body of Bradd Pitts character to her the way he was when they first met and who she originally fell in love with.

It was like the movie was scripted for me. All I've felt like doing lately is just laying down and dying. I think materially I've been quite successful. I have a house, nice furniture, a big TV, a harley, basically all the trappings that make life comfortable. A steady income that allows me to live a comfortable lifestyle and it all adds up to nothing now I have no one to share it with and I'd give it all up just to have that connection with some one again.

I've read the posts above and I know the clearing through the forrest is there, and that there are many more good things in store. And that time heals all wounds no matter how deep. I wonder about destiny and the cosmic blueprint that I'm ever redrawing and adding to. I wonder about the two Jehovas Witnesses that just left after delivering their "message of hope" and about God's plan for humanity and the imminent return of Christ in these end times. I am not poking fun at them and who knows whats what in these strange days we live in. (It was nice to have someone to talk to. LOL)

So I keep putting one foot forward and walking the path that lays ahead, living in the moment because anything else is just too painful at the moment. One of my birthday presents was a 3 cubic metre mini skip and I will work in the garden this week and do my best to fill it up with garden trimmings and weeds. I will seek out friends and make phone calls just to alleviate the lonliness I'm feeling. And I will post here and hopefully continue to have meaningful discourse with my online friends and those beautiful strangers that happen by this place. And if I can make that some kind of meaningful connection with someone I will be happy.

Perhaps my next love will come from this place, unlikely, but who knows. I am looking and always open to the myriad possibilities that await everyday. Love shows up in the most unlikely of places and in the guise of the most unlikely people. And to share my life with someone that shares my love for BDSM would be a most excellent proposition.

So if my love is out there reading this, don't hesitate to send me a message - who knows what could develop. I am seeking...

[lily27]

G, you know that I went through a breakup of my own a while back now. It was a rough time, but one of the things that kept me optomistic was that I suddenly had the opportunity to seek out a partner that understood all sides of me.

When you discover an interest in BDSM while in a vanilla relationship, you are often put into a tough spot. Although there are a handful of people out there who have managed to "convert" their partner into a kinky being, most often it just doesn't work. I didn't break up with my ex because of the "kink factor" (he didn't even know), and I was still sad about the relationship ending, but the promise of new possibilities gave me hope.

It was not without some bumps in the road, but I was able to find that partner who understands me, and can can meet all of my needs, both in and out of the bedroom. I couldn't be happier, and I owe a lot of that to you. You gave me the confidence to finally put my feet to the pavement and turn fantasy into reality.

I am not going to say that you are better off without your ex because I think that devalues the relationship you had, and your many good years together. But I do think there are great things out there for you... and probably more than one eager subbie if you so desire.

But don't try to rush things. Take the time to greive and heal. The subs will wait....

[Sir_G]

How did you get so wise. Lily I treasure the time we had together. It was a diamond amoung so many other lesser gems. Thankyou for reminding me of the need to take the time and the value of greiving. I think I'm doing enough for the whole library at the moment. LOL.

[lily27]

I have always been wise.... it is just that people don't always listen.

[Wedjat]

Good luck to you Sir_G. I hope the best for you. I've been going through a rough patch meself, although mine is due to not having a job at the moment. I agree with a lot of what you say - my daughter (17) and the critters (4 cats and 3 small dogs, at the moment, not including the stray we've been feeding outside for 2 years : ) help keep me remembering what the important things are. Keep your chin up.