“Control is an illusion. The only real control is self control.” That is the premise of one of the lessons I teach my subs. And yet, we dominants strive for control so much, we do not tend to see it for what it truly is- a gift. A gift from our subs to us. A gift that must be earned, and which, once in our hands, translates into a trust that must never be betrayed.
It all starts with integrity. BDSM is partly about mutual need. Dom/mes need to dominate, subs need to submit. We all yearn for one or the other. We all flounder helplessly about, seeking for that which we need, until such time as we happen to make a connection. Maybe it happens by design, maybe by chance. But one thing is certain. It is the sub who holds the control then and not the dom/me. Once an initial connection is established, each looks for compatibility in the other. A sub may be attracted to a specific gender of dom/me, or looks, or strength, or intrigue, but what every sub wants from their dom/me more than anything else- is integrity. Because a dom/me with integrity can be trusted to have their subs’ best interests at heart. To comport themselves in such a way as to not harm that which they seek to control. To lay down the all-important foundation of friendship, love and trust on which every relationship, regardless of type, must be built. If a BDSM relationship does not start with integrity, it is doomed to fail. For those crucial steps cannot be skipped. The foundation must be strong.
For many of us, BDSM is not a game. It is a way of life. And in so being, it is like many endeavors in that one must constantly seek to learn and grow. Dominants must lay aside their pride and egos and remain open to growth so they can become better at dominating. And subs must lay aside their pride and fears in order to empower their owners to use the gifts of control and trust that they have so faithfully placed in their hands. In this way a submissive can also learn and grow, ideally in conjunction with their dominant partner.
Once the dominant is in possession of the control, they must use it wisely, or it can be ripped away at a moment’s notice. If it IS used wisely, love develops, and it is this love that helps secure the control in the dominants hands. Not due to power or manipulation, but because it has been earned through mutual courtesy, trust and respect. It is this love that can render the submissive helpless. It is the false dominant who takes advantage of this love and uses it only for personal gain. But the real dominant shares this love and treasures it for the incredible gift that it is, never abuses it and always acts with honor and in the best interest of their submissive. The real dominant vows to hold that precious heart in their hands and keep it safe, even from themselves.
A submissives position is always one of danger. If their actual physical health is not at risk, their heart is. It is a brave thing indeed to hand over one’s control, trust and heart. Who is it then who is truly the boldest, the dom/me or the sub? Who is it then who has the real control? Control may be an illusion, but it is real. The question is, do those of us who hold it, deserve it?
Let us all continue to learn, grow and love.