How to Speak Canadian

[BDSM_Tourguide]

The Canadian language, with all its intricacies and nuance, has often eluded the comrehension of people from America, or "South of the Border" as Canadians like to say. Possible exceptions to this lack of comprehension do exist, however; mainly in the states of Minnesota and North Dakota, which are essentially just parts of South Canada anyway. This resource should be used by those living in the "Lower 48" and Hawaii to better understand the vast web of intricacy that is the Canadian Language.

Of course, there are rules that every traveller to Canada must know before attempting to speak Canadian. These rules are as follows:

Rule Number One: The Most Important Rule to Know While Visiting Canada! - Not all Canadians speak French! This is a heinous myth propogated by the Americans and the Canadian Tourism Board. The Americans help to propogate this vicious rumor, because for some reason, the French are viewed as a culturally significant society, and Canadians are viewed as a bunch of backwater people, somewhat akin to the Rednecks of the American South. The Canadian Tourism Board propogates this rumor in hopes to attract more French people to Quebec in an effort to one day actually pass the Seperation Referrendum. It is important to know that the Canadian Tourism Board is run by French-Canadians out of a multi-million dollar state-of-the-art facility in Montreal that somewhat resembles NORAD in its size and sophistication.

When visiting any part of Canada, other than the province of Quebec or western Ontario (affectionately known by Canadians as "East Quebec"), it is important to remember that these people DO NOT speak French. Not only that, but they don't like the French much either. And while Canadians are far too polite to become violent to a tourist with American dollars in his pocket, Canadian business owners are shrewd enough to raise their prices an extra 50% and blame it on "conversion rates" to those tourists that are ignorant enough to attempt to speak French outside of the "French Zone."

Rule Number Two: Canadians do say "eh," but you shouldn't. Yes, Canadians are a polite people, and usually quite friendly. Except in Quebec and Ontario. However, even the friendliest of Canadians will not stand for listening to Americans saying "eh" after each sentence. This practice by American tourists could lead to such harsh and aggressive actions from their Canadian hosts like stern stares, talking about the Americans behind their backs, and more price increases at local shops.

Rule Number Three: Canadians are polite and peaceful people. Typical American practices like honking the car horn, flipping the middle finger in traffic, shouting, rushing from one point to another, anger management, and worrying about terrorist activities on home soil are unknown to Canadians. These typically-American practices should be left at the border when the American crosses into Canada, as these practices are likely to frighten and disorient many Canadians. Canadians are unused to violence and anger, and to actually experience it firsthand is somewhat traumatic.

Rule Number Four: Canadians are a polite and peaceful people, except when it comes to Canadian beer. Every Canadian worldwide knows that there is no better beer anywhere in the world than in Canada. Beer in Canada is a patriotic expression of Canadian-ness. The largest Canadian bottling company's slogan is "I am Canadian." No American beer or product can claim that level of patriotism, and Americans visiting Canada would do well to remember that.

Some of the largest, longest and fiercest bar room brawls occuring on Canadian soil have started after some foolish American tourist uttered the infamous words, "Canadian beer sucks!" To Canadians, that is similar to saying "Football is stupid" in America. Who can forget the unpleasantness of the 1989 Calgary Flames Stanley Cup parade in Calgary? A huge brawl erupted in the streets, killing 20 and injuring 200 more. When questioned by police, Canadian witnesses said, "It all started when some American guy said Canadian beer sucked."* It is unintentional, but typical, belligerence like that which will spark the most polite and peace-loving of Canadians to violence.

Rule Number Five: Canadians are a polite and peacful people, except during hockey season. American's are strongly urged to stay OUT of Canada during hockey season. For the 95% of Americans that don't know when hockey season is, it is any point in time from August to May of the following year. For the 90% of Americans who don't know what hockey is, it's the greatest sport in the world, and saying any differently is dangerous in Canada. Therefore, American tourists should only travel to Canada in the months of June and July. Any American tourist in Canada during the dangerous hockey times should avoid bars, pubs, sports facilities, and some restaurants and lounges to prevent unwittingly causing violence and unnecessary bloodshed.

It is important to note, however, that hockey season doesn't actually start until October and it ends in April, but the months before hockey are tense months in Canada, filled with speculations of trades and debate about which Canadian team is going to with "The Cup" this year. Every Canadian knows what "The Cup" is; anyone that asks a Canadian "What is The Cup?" is obviously an American tourist. And, yes, only American tourists don't know what "The Cup" is, because even Europeans and Russians know what it is. Except the British; they are about as clueless about hockey as Americans are. Fortunately, they have that funny accent, so that gives them away instantly and forgives their ignorance.

If any American should find himself in a Canadian pub during hockey season, they are strongly encouraged not to ask why the men in ice skates are beating one another into bloody pulps on the television. This is hockey, and any accidental remarks about how it "doesn't make any sense" or "how do you see the puck" or even "what a silly sport; there's not even a ball involved" are likely to lead to violence and unpleasantness.

Rule Number Six: Canadians are a very politically-motivated people. Canadians are pretty much anti-everything, down the the individual. Canadians are anti-war, anti-abortion, and anti-death penalty. In Quebec, the French-Canadians are anti-American as well; but in the rest of Canada, Canadians are almost unilaterally anti-French, so it all works out. However, Canadians are also pretty much for everything, down to the individual. Canadians are for the legalization of marijuana, for the legalization of same-sex marriage, and for nudity on national television. An easy way for an American tourist to remember how to speak to a Canadian without offending it for the American to remember that anything the Americans are for the Canadians are anti-, and vice-versa. A person will immediately be branded a tourist and an outsider if that person makes a comment like "Why didn't they just execute that guy that had 39 dead hookers buried under his farm?" That kind of question is just not acceptable in Canada. Everyone in Canada has the right to life, even the people that probably should be dragged into the street and shot.


Hopefully, these rules will help American tourists to have a more pleasant, more peaceful time when visiting Canada.

* Event may not have actually occurred, but since only 10 Americans alive were watching hockey in 1984, who's going to know?