safeword..he wants me to say it?

My Master and i have recently started our Dom/sub relationship. I knew it would obviously be a growing and learning experience for us both and there was a LOT of talking and discussing before any play was involved. One thing i was not prepared for was this, and i have never been in a situation like this and my question is if this is a method used often? We established a safe word and all that good stuff, and then more of the "play" situations started, (sorry i am dragging this out, it is hard to put express for some reason), and he knows i do not like my face slapped hard, a few light play smacks i am all for but not rough and that was clear, so i was a little shocked when he started slapping my face, like really hard, and i was standing there thinking 'ok, he is testing my limits, suck it up, he will stop soon, he knows you don't like this, deal with it, it will stop soon....' and then i ended up twisting my body around to get away from his hand, so he twisted me back and got mad i moved away and started slapping me harder until i started bawling. When i started crying he stopped and hugged me and asked me why i didn't use my safe word. i was very confused, and still am by it, after i calmed down we talked and he said he was doing it in hopes that i would use my safe word, he said he doesn't want me in pain like that during play but he needs to know how far he can take it by pushing me at first and making me use my safe word. Now i don't know if it is just me, i think a safe word (or sign) is a GREAT thing and is critical to have established and trusted, but with that i do feel bad when i use it, just kind of like admitting i couldn't handle it (which i know is ok and can prevent bad things), but also sort of angry i had to use it, more angry at him, like i feel like he is "forcing" me to use it which just doesn't feel good. And more so the whole now knowing he does want to push me to the point i need to use it, and he seems confused why i don't use it more freely. So i am wondering if his strategy is used by others and what others think of it. Sorry, i know i might not have made a lot of sense and just went on and on..... it is confusing in my head and even harder to make sense in words. But i really look forward to hearing responses. thanks

Way back when, in the early days with Dragon and myself (many moons pass over great water), He used exercises where his goal was to get me to use my safeword.

He said then that it was necessary for him to be able to trust that i would use them if i was feeling overwhelmed. It takes just as much trust to Dominate as it does to submit. Maybe that is what he needs to know, that you will use them if needed. We do have a tendency to be afraid of dissapointing our "Domly Ones".

Since you are just beginning, he may also want to get a general idea of where your limits are.

The best way to find out is to sit down with him, in a non-sexually charged environment, and talk about it. Ask directly why it is important for you to say them. Tell him how you feel about saying them and why it feels odd to you.

Good luck,

rose
:rose:

With both of you probably turned on and anticipating this first real play session, it doesn't sound like such a great idea that he'd begin by slapping you hard with the intention of checking your limits: it would have felt a bit like having a bucket of cold water tossed over your head. Surely it would have felt better if he'd given you pain and a feel of helplessness in a way that he knew you'd be intrigued and hot by?

Sometimes the feeling of difficulty isn't just about the pain. I can take a good whipping but guess I'd react very badly if someone (a Dominant) spit me straight in the face, rubbed potato peelings and food trash at my skin or pinched my nose (and withour prior warning or play context, just improvised). Those are kind of hard limits, or rather, things I feel no turn-on from at all. Is your bf much more experienced within BDSM than you are? has he had other subs before - or is he new to it as well? If he has read about bdsm or seen movies, but never actually practised it before, then maybe he had scene ideas he felt very hot about (abduction?) and wanted to try out, but he'd felt a need to check that you could take it physically first.

It's really a sign of care that the Dom/me urges the sub/slave to use the safeword and not to be ashamed about it, but opening like this seems to have been an unhappy choice. Tell him that you need the turn-on from the start, not just the feeling of being curbed and abused.

I have heard of Doms who force a sub to use a safe word (once or twice) - just so that the sub learns it is ok to use the safe word and will use it if necessary. That being said, I am against repeatedly pushing limits so hard the sub must safeword. A Dom ought to learn to read his sub well enough to judge when a limit has been pushed far enough without a safeword being used; otherwise, the Dom loses the trust of the sub. A sub trusts her Dom to judge how hard to push, wihout the sub having to "tell" the Dom every time by safeword. As you say, a Dom should know a sub feels like a failure when she has to safeword, something to be avoided. Moreover, if hard face-slapping had already been established as a hard limit, your trust was violated.

violetgem, I hope you're feeling okay now. You must have been so scared and confused. ~hugs~

My husband also wanted to know, I mean really know, that I would use my safeword if I want/need/have to. A few weeks back, he purposefully did something he knew I was not so favorable about. I used it, and quick. I won't use that word unless, like rose said, I feel completely overwhelmed because I do feel like I'm a failure if I use it (I nodded in agreement when you said "suck it up"...I knew what you were saying there). But my husband also needs to feel safe in this with me. (It is a bit surprising to me to learn that Doms have that need...one more light bulb moment for me.) And if he goes too far and I don't help him know that the action was no good for me, then he feels like a failure. We just don't want any of the bad stuff, so the safeword is a must for us both.

~hugs again~

tessa :wave:

This is a bit complicated, and I can only guess as to what his reasons are. I know one thing, if you are reluctant to use your safe word for anyreason it will not be easy for you when you have to. Perhaps he is trying to get you to realize that the safe word is not a last resort, but a safety valve. As a Dom when I push a subs limits I want her to be able to grow, but I also want her to be comfortable with stopping me when necessary. If you are not comfortable with this, then how will he know when he is going to far?

I would not do it this way myself, but I do not think this is that unusual. A Dom and a sub must always feel free to communicate, and this may be his way of showing you that.

I have a safe word. But this is what works best for us and I think it is a Godsend. Green...Yellow...Red.
If things are going really well I will say green from time to time to let him know all is fine. If, for instance, he was slapping my face a bit to hard for comfort...it is yellow. That means all is still OK but please proceed with caution Sir. Red is the same as my safe word meaning STOP! Nuff said. :) "Peace" ~blizz~

I think we've had this discussion before and most of us agreed (then) that we didn't approve of this technique to "prove" a submissive is willing to safeword her way out of trouble.

I prefer, in the heat of the moment, to ask my submissive if she remembers her safeword and have her tell me.

After a few reminders I feel assured she hasn't forgotten it... and if she should happen to struggle and asks me to stop or says "no" I feel perfectly fine reminding her that 'No' is not her safeword. Once, reminded, if she doesn't use it, then I am happy knowing we haven't reached her limit.

The technique of purposely pushing a known limit as an 'object lesson' borders on abusive. IMO. The more seasoned the dom, the less likely he'll use this tecnique. Also IMO.

That sounds clearly over the line, to me. Intentionally violating limits to get a reaction -- ANY reaction -- is a bad partnership (of any sort -- bdsm or otherwise).

There are times I "go for the safeword," but ONLY when it's a mutually understood situation: "I'm going to tickle you until you say your safeword," where my sub knows what's going on and that she should be using it to let me know where those limits are...and in that sense, it can be useful (I'd actually suggest this for those first couple whippings or endurance sessions...build up very slowly with a clear understanding of "say when"). If your beau is intent upon finding your limits and hearing your safeword, that's how I suggest you go about it.

I would think randomly doing acts that scare/disturb ones sub leads to a sense of paranoia, not pleasure....

I think it's down to experience or maturity. Is being dominant about seeing how far you can go or is being dominant simply a way to be. What I mean is; is being dominant something you do or are?

My theory is that subs don't need to have their limits pushed all the time. What they need is to be dominated and serve. Which doesn't necesarily entail anything concrete. It's only down to emotional connection. This guy sounds like a little boy who's life revolves around breaking taboos and going as far as possible. It's cute.

I suggest you tell the guy to just do what ever turns him on and if it isn't working for you, then you're not meant for one another.

I do not think this is all horrible. yes.... a limit was pushed BUT... I have had many of my "hard fast limits" pushed.. and now I love them.

I used to refuse to do wax.. I HATED it... it is still not my favorite thing.. at all.. in fact.. its nearly punishment. Ocean Soul used to use it for just that.... now.. I realize that in certain times of play it could be fun.... had he not pushed my limit.. I'd have never known.


Checking to find a limit is not bad.... it can help your sub grow... but just as she must trust him to know her limit... he must trust her to know hers.

It is not fair of us to always say he should be able to read our body language... can you imagine you are blindfolded.... he can't see your eyes... you smile.. yet you are crying beneath.. your pussy quivers in pleasure.. your body shutters in disgust.

How will he read you?

It takes time and great skill to fully Master the art of reading body language. They are Doms.. not Wizards.

One should NEVER feel ashamed about safewording.. EVER. It is not a bad thing. I understand about not wanting to disapoint.. BUT.

Have you ever stopped to think about the amount of trust that goes into a safeword? It means you trust him enough... you know he loves you and cares for you enough to stop.... he loved you enough to push you.. to making you soar to new heights... etc. It is not a negative.. it can be a positive thing.

Everyone has their own methods... perhaps for this Dom and his sub. it acheieved what he wanted.... but for others it may not work... I don't think this was at all abusive... it is important for a sub. to be able to say enough! and for the play to stop. subs have sub space... but we tend to forget.. Doms have Dom space.... it is our job to make sure we bring them back down from their high so they can offer the care and protection they so want for us.


-STEPS OFF HER SOAP BOX-

-anya-

I loved that answer anya. :) *HUG* ~blizz~

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Originally Posted by wingsofanangel

Have you ever stopped to think about the amount of trust that goes into a safeword? It means you trust him enough... you know he loves you and cares for you enough to stop....

-STEPS OFF HER SOAP BOX-
-anya-

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STEPS ON THE SOAP BOX -

The fact that I stop when a sub safewords does not mean I love the sub, it means I am honoring the established limits and playing safe, sane and consensual. If I don't stop when a sub safewords, I am committing abuse and a crime.

STEPS OFF THE SOAP BOX

Diamond

So you do not honor and cherish your sub?

With love.. neither of these can exist. There must be a level of love that goes into nearly every righteous quality humans possess.

Making sure that it is safe, sane, and consenual, is loving. One does not have to agree to those terms... when a Dom lets his sub. have a safeword and exercise the right to use that word... I do believe it is rather loving.

This is not necessarily in reference to a scen playing with Doms and subs who visit one another.. etc... it does take time to build a bond that includes love.

But in a situation like the one mentioned to open this discuss.. I do belive love is the foundation for the relationship.

Love moves mountains... and subbies little asses.

i think just the fact that you wrote about the incident says that you really don't feel comfortable with the method used...
i think since he knew from your reaction (and he must have as you turned away and he pulled you back)... he should have encouraged you or asked or reminded as someone else here said to use your safeword... he should have talked to you more during the slapping.
But also.. as Louise said, this being done early in the relationship would bother me... whether it's a viable method of teaching a sub to use a safeword or not.
And if he was using that method.. well, you didn't say you ever did use the word, he stopped when you cried- i mean, i think he should have stopped when you turned away, at least.
However, on a positive note, i find it good that he comforted you and talked to you afterwards. And as Dragon's muse said, you need to talk outside of the bedroom- long and intensely, about everything.

Good luck, dear :)

Well, if I look at my fantasies there are no uses for "safewords", I would like not to have to use them. Even if it sounds crazy, if I would find a domme that I like, after that in a methaphorical sense I would give up to her all control as in a "contract". My fantasies mostly are non-consensual I have to admit, but since I have no experience my judgement that I need no safewords might show to be foolish, however, I would like to give up all control. No safewords. How does a domme/dom know that I would not use a safeword for my own confort?

A good Dom/me may push a subs limits to help her/him grow in their submission. A good Dom/me should be able to tell when a subs limit has been reached during play. If this was your first play time together, then He may have gone too far too fast.

Don’t be afraid to use your safe word. Its your safety net and its there for a reason. I have two safe words. “NO” which means ok that’s my limit, but its still ok to continue at this level but not beyond it, and the other is “STOP” which meant exactly that.

Hugs ya.

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Originally Posted by eden

A good Dom/me may push a subs limits to help her/him grow in their submission. A good Dom/me should be able to tell when a subs limit has been reached during play. If this was your first play time together, then He may have gone too far too fast.

Don’t be afraid to use your safe word. Its your safety net and its there for a reason. I have two safe words. “NO” which means ok that’s my limit, but its still ok to continue at this level but not beyond it, and the other is “STOP” which meant exactly that.

Hugs ya.

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yeah, this is my practice to. "Stop" and "no" are allready safewords in our language. Unless you've got a specific fetish about saying "no" or "stop" and the Dom keeps going. But in my experience it isn't all that common.

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Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

yeah, this is my practice to. "Stop" and "no" are allready safewords in our language. Unless you've got a specific fetish about saying "no" or "stop" and the Dom keeps going. But in my experience it isn't all that common.

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I'm a talker (no gags here :) ) and I say "Oh no" and "Don't stop" alot. Both in the best, most "OMG this is great" way! What a tragedy :eek: if my husband only heard "no" or "stop" and did! Since we've only just begun, safewords aren't established yet (soon, though, since I'd like to go farther) but for me "no" and "stop" wouldn't work at all.

I guess at some point I'll actually ask him to push my limits to the point that I use my safeword - so I'll know for myself that I am willing to say it before I accept/do something I'll regret. That day is pretty far down the road at this point though.

This is a great thread - has made me think...

thanks all for the responses. mari, you must be very intune with people and their reactions for you to point out i had to be uneasy about the situation to post it as such. I guess at the time i was trying to convince myself it was an alright way to go about it as he did and that others do it to, but i know when it comes down to it if it doesn't feel right to me then it isn't right to me and that is what matters the most. I do love reading everyones responses. thanks everyone

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Originally Posted by diamondcontrol

I have heard of Doms who force a sub to use a safe word (once or twice) - just so that the sub learns it is ok to use the safe word and will use it if necessary. That being said, I am against repeatedly pushing limits so hard the sub must safeword. A Dom ought to learn to read his sub well enough to judge when a limit has been pushed far enough without a safeword being used; otherwise, the Dom loses the trust of the sub. A sub trusts her Dom to judge how hard to push, wihout the sub having to "tell" the Dom every time by safeword. As you say, a Dom should know a sub feels like a failure when she has to safeword, something to be avoided. Moreover, if hard face-slapping had already been established as a hard limit, your trust was violated.

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I totally agree. After only a few sessions my former Master could tell when enough was enough and I didnt have to think about using the safeword (which was good for me cuz yeah I agree with all of those who say it feels like failure when used). I totally understand the need for a Dom to know that there sub is going to use the safeword if needed. I know the first few times me and my former Master played I used it randomly, even when I didn't particularly want to stop just to know that He would stop.

And as... i forget who... but as someone else posted... many people let/have hard limits get pushed (i know i have) and end up loving them. And again one persons light is another hards. As it was on of the first play sessions, He might have been trying to get a sense of how hard your hard really is, thus wanting you to use your safeword when He reached what was your limit.

And in another theory, the way to make new limits is to push and extend old ones. When I started out with face slapping I wasn't into really hard either, but little by little that limit was pushed and by the end He used to have check me for marks a few hours later, just in case, because hard slapping is now such a turn on for me.

But you cant push to far in one session. Just like fisting... your not going to from fitting one finger to a whole fist in the matter or five minutes. It takes time, patience and trust... for both the Dom and sub.

He might have you tied up, blindfolded, with a vibrator inside whipping you hard, and he has to be able to trust that you will say the safeword. Especially when trying something new... just likeyou have to trust that he will stop no matter how into it he is.

And you HAVE TO BE ABLE TO TALK TO HIM. About anything your feeling, about something you dont like, or like. He's not going to punish you just because your hard is his light, and if he does, well then, turn the other way.
And he should be able to talk to you about the same. Communication is KEY in any relationship bbut especially in a BDSM one where sometimes ones life can be at risk....

Theres being broken and then there is being broken one is good and one isnt... talk to him... let him know where your hard is.. even if it means slapping him in the face... and learn to use your safeword.

goodgirl