Vanilla/Kink Crossroad

I'm sure this topic has been brought up before, but I'd love to hear your thoughts. Until therapy for us D/s folk is as available to us like buying milk at the store, it seems for many of us, these little great online D/s communities have become our safety net for sanity. :)
If you are willing to share, i'd love to hear about how you struggled with this lifestyle, when you realized that it was something you could not ignore, and you found yourself at the crossroads. It's interesting to me, because i find that a lot of times, this realization happens to us after we are fully involved in a "i'm trying to fit in and be normal in a vanilla relationship" time in our lives. Even if you were single when it happened, i'd love to hear your story too. What were the struggles? Did you tell any family or friends? What path did you choose and do you regret any of the decisions you made? What would you have done differently and ultimately are you happy now?

bent

While I've mouthed on a bit about my sexual evolution here, I I think the moment I realized I was on a path to strange places was in the middle of a relationship with someone who was a bit chemically unbalanced, someone a bit insane (but in a lovely way).

We'll call her Alice.

Alice was a chain--smoking blonde beauty, who had a long scar running up her forehead from a car crash in Europe years before. The moment I met her I found her incredibly sexy. The funny part is, the scar was part of it. Maybe it was a kind of 'alteration' fetish. She'd been matrked by something in her life, and it had tremendous power over her. And for whatever reason, I was incredibly turned on by it.

Truth to tell, she is also the woman who first asked me to play rape with her, something I briefly describe in the above link.

We stopped seeing each other and I went foreword with the fiesty irish redhead. a few years later, I looked her up again. We started dating, then spent long weekends together. The sex was phenomonal. If you've nebver been with someone who was completely open to you, completely submissive, would do anything to please you and to have you please her... I have had ten lovers in my life, and half of them I have done 'positions' with, like '69'. But with Alice, nothing was orchestrated, nothing was planned. We were a train wreck in bed, pulling each other the way we wanted, grabbing, sucking, licking, biting, poking, pushing, screaming.

The only person I've ever been with where the cops got involved due to loud fucking noises.

Being with her was the threshold bvefore the abyss. we weren't grossed out by each other's body parts, flatulence, noises, fluids... we just did what came natural and cleaned up later.... the first and only jam of my life.

Now, before some of you start asking me for her phone number, and the rest of you ask me why I would break up with such a brilliant force of nature, you havbe to understand that there was a flawed mental process at play. Had we both been deaf mutes who could only communicate visually and sexually, we probably would still be together, humping like the world was ending.

But we weren't. With our heads and mouths in the way, things fell apart. She would do weird things; deny things that had occured. One time, we were talking on the couch, about what we both liked in bed (mistake), and I confessed that I really enjoyed anal sex-- enjoyed being inside her that way, enjoyed the vulnerability and openness and trust it demanded of her, and of course the sheer naughtiness of it.

She said, "What are you talking about?!? I'd never let you put it in my ass!"

So the reality that I was in was not the same as her own. And she was prone to breakdowns, as well. The only girl I ever cheated on, and suffered impotence for my truly vile behavior...

But up until the last month together, I never held back anything from her. Whatever I felt, thought, suspected, I said. She knew me well, and probably knew me for a selfish asshole. There's a song by VAST called "Touched", that pretty much reminds m eof her everytime. I''ll never find someone quite like her again... never love someone they way I loved her. That's like every relationship ever, sure, but she was so many light years away from any of my girlfriends before her...

I am suddenly feeling naked.

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Originally posted by abitbent
...I'd love to hear about how you struggled with this lifestyle, when you realized that it was something you could not ignore, and you found yourself at the crossroads. It's interesting to me, because i find that a lot of times, this realization happens to us after we are fully involved in a "i'm trying to fit in and be normal in a vanilla relationship" time in our lives. Even if you were single when it happened, i'd love to hear your story too. What were the struggles? Did you tell any family or friends? What path did you choose and do you regret any of the decisions you made? What would you have done differently and ultimately are you happy now?

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It is going to be painful for me to tell this story, because even though I have accepted who I am and the fact that I am incredibly happy with someone who understands me, and loves me; the very people (my parents) whom I would like to tell this story to are the ones less likely to hear me. I have even come to the point that I have forgiven them and given up on the idea of ever telling them about it. It would break their hearts.

How the whole idea of bdsm came to me is not the point. It has been in my mind for as long as I can remember. When I was a child I fed it through reading everything I could lay my hands on and through sheer force of imagination. And even though my mother was really cool about sex-ed, my first period, dating, boyfriends, make-up and women's lib; the first time she got an inkling about my "perversion" (she caught me masturbating with my legs tied with rope) she came raving-screaming-freaking-unglued. She told my father about it and he -not being used to dealing with "female stuff"- did something he had never done before. He beat me. This was no bdsm fantasy spanking. It was a wet-myself-screaming-in-terror beating. Yet it did something that convinced me that I was going to be a masochist the rest of my life. It proved to me that I was strong. And proud. And, at 12 years old, able to face the most awful thing that life could throw at me, the betrayal of my parents, or so I saw it. I was not sure If I could be happy, but I was sure that this was really me.

Of course, I had to deal with the secondary effects of the abuse: low self-esteem, guilt, fear of intimacy, frigidity, failed relationships. In my parents eyes, the punishment worked. I never did anything like bdsm again. In fact I just got smarter and never got caught again. The guilt of becoming sexually active led me to self-inflicted discipline and eventually to the realization that I had mentally damaged myself and that I would never be normal. The one thing I never feared again was pain.

Salvation came in the person of my boyfriend F. the only person with whom I talked about this before discovering the internet forums. I had never though possible that I could be loved the way he loves me and when, in the beginning of our relationship he confronted me about the results of a self-inflicted punishment session I decided to be responsible about it to myself and to him. I told him everything and took the chance to be accepted by him the way I had already accepted myself. Only later did I realized how lucky I was to have found the one man in the whole world who would love me without conditions or prejudice.

When it became apparent that bdsm and happiness were not mutually exclusive I felt elated, euphoric and angry. Yes, angry. This was happiness and my parents had tried to rob me of it. I never needed therapy to deal with my masochism but I needed it to deal with my anger towards my parents. However, it was worth it. I have found freedom in bondage and bliss in suffering. Not because of guilt, but because this is who I am. It is an added bonus that I am loved for being me by a wonderful person who also discovered how much fun this lifestyle really is. He has become a wonderful dom and even a part time switch.

So no, no regrets. Would I have done anything different? I guess now it matters little. Happy? Yes, a big happy YES!

I have cried while I writing this story. Yes, part of me still wishes I could love my parents the way they deserve to be loved. Other than this matter they did a wonderful job raising me and my siblings. Their only fault was ignorance. And I have vowed to keep them in the dark about my private life in order to spare them more pain. I am just glad, abitbent, that you have given me a chance to share this with you and everyone else at this forum. Hope it helps.

F. if you ever read this, I love you with all my heart, just because you made it all OK.

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Originally posted by abitbent
when you realized that it was something you could not ignore, and you found yourself at the crossroads

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This year it dawned on me that there was a reason why people flitted in and out of relationships, going the the same cycles only to come through stumbling blocks..if these can be resolved then all well and fine..but if people couldn't evolve..then forget it..so one of those people was me, or me with 'unevolving' person or people. It wasn't until I reached a hiatus that I thought, and thought.. I just took out a pen and notepad and jotted down common things..things that jumped out at me..

There were times were I would plunge into something..without discussing it beforehand.. those were the late teens early twenties.. sex sex and more sex but without any forethought.
But even from those times I noticed various elements that appealed to me..now I'm not a sargeant major in 'bed' or anything like that.I can be verbal not in a nagging way..I would either be with someone at the time and express a certain curiosity, suggest trying something new..whether it be the man ripping off my clothes or being more forceful say.. or even if it was trying a new sexual position.. and depending on the person, I would be met with the attitude of 'are you fucking serious?'..not all the time, but the times I was met with 'okay'.. the people wouldn't be able to reconcile with their 'darker' desires..and couldn't look at me in the eye again therafter.. and eventually they would end up in 'traditional' relationship roles with women that were 'traditional' and then I'd be made aware of the fact that these men would seek extra curricular 'sex' - and I'm not into being anyones mistress or fucking married men.. there is karma and it comes back to bite a person in the ass eventually..

So these relationships didn't progress, and it would be difficult because many people might show they are relaxed with sex and all matters sexual, but they might have a 'madonna/whore' complex..(something which I've come across many times)..

My female friends for example, might try a 'new sex' position after a few months..and make a big deal out of it. Example : 'Oh guess what we tried doggy style last night!!!'..and I'd be 'okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy'.. simply because in one night I assume just 'one' of the various positions will be doggy anyway? lol..

This year it was definite arrival to the crossroads when I was with a guy and for the first time I had that 'need to escape after sex' urge..something males usually experience? lol.. but one month previously all was well.. met, talked, went out.. discussed the 'sex' thing.. where I expressed a liking for a man to be dominant at times but this wasn't explored fully as it was too early to initiate things in this way..intially people explore one another - that was what was discussed... his idea however was something that varied with my idea.. so when it did get to fooling around time it basically involved him doing the ass slap a few times..or being completely selfish (as there was no previous discussion in 'detail') to even 'dare' to 'try' and hold me in place for fellatio by 'trying' once again to utilise pressure points (wrongly) on my shoulder/neck region.. so all up it was a disaster...not so much for the 'sex' but the attitude that came after that..the double standard issue came..which I don't want to get into..but I thought at my age I didn't need mind games, okay it was hurtful and I did experience a few moments where I just couldn't believe how inconsiderate people could be.

The reason of being at a crossroads is that I know what I 'desire', however at the same time I also am aware that having 'mediocre' sex is something I don't want to have..together with this is the fact that one never knows that they will have mediocre sex or whether the person they are with transforms into a complete 'slob' in bed or whether they transform into a 'snob' after it happens..and for many years I would be the ' why not take a risk' person..but now I'm not that type of person anymore.. but at the same time I'm not the type to settle for 'whatever is on today's menu' either.

so it's not an issue of me struggling with the lifestyle in itself..but me struggling with desires that are not seen as being 'conventional', being aware of those desires, not differentiating them-because I don't see them as being 'weird', people seeing them as 'straight out weird', and relationships being a complete 'balls up' because of this..even when there has been 'discussion'..Im happier now as I have fully become aware of 'me' and have realised what I truly want..before I would get 'lost' in other peoples' moments and forget about 'me'..
I feel more comfortable now with myself.. and I don't necessarily 'need' to have a person there just to validate myself as an individual, if a person crosses my path all fine..but if not..that's all fine as well.

So far I've been lucky and just kinda fell into it. I think I've always been playing around with a bit of self-bondage when I masturbated, although back in my sheltered teenage years I didn't associate it with kinky s&m stuff (hell, I'm not sure I even knew about kinky s&m stuff). Then along came college and the internet, which not only told me what it was I was getting off on, but also reassured me that it was perfectly normal and healthy and fun (which pretty much confirmed what I'd already figured out on my own).

So basically by the time I finally got out there and started getting nekkid with other people (it took a while, because for a while I still thought of myself as the nerdy guy from back in highschool), I'd managed to figure out what it is that i like without any accompanying guilt or emotional baggage.



Rallan

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you realized that it was something you could not ignore, and you found yourself at the crossroads.

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I have accepted who I am and the fact that I am incredibly happy with someone who understands me, and loves me; the very people (my parents) whom I would like to tell this story to are the ones less likely to hear me. I have even come to the point that I have forgiven them and given up on the idea of ever telling them about it. It would break their hearts.

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it's not an issue of me struggling with the lifestyle in itself..but me struggling with desires that are not seen as being 'conventional', being aware of those desires, not differentiating them-because I don't see them as being 'weird', people seeing them as 'straight out weird'

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I feel more comfortable now with myself..

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I swear...I feel like I'm looking into a two way mirror here.

I finally have stopped walking around in the medium and got my ass on the road and got to the Crossroads, and took one of the paths.

I'm done ignoring or denying what I find enjoyable, and going to explore it, ignoring those that scoff or get disgusted - even if it's myself just so I can face the truth.

The road of self discovery and acceptance isn't paved, which I have learned is rough but enjoyable.


Ya, I didn't answer much of what was asked, however I have to say thanks to this thread I'm done lurking.

I think I know exactly where my interest in BDSM started. I was 4 or 5 years old. My younger sister had arrived when I was nearly 4. She had great dimples and was very cute. When we went out everybody would fall all over my sister in her stroller and ignore me. I felt rejected, a typical older child overreaction to a loss or sharing of interest by adults.

At this same time (1949) there was a period of time where toddlers went in public in a harness and on a leash. I remember seeing other children near my age in such gear and they would be tugging on their leashes and thereby demanding their parent’s attention. I wanted one of those harnesses as a way to get back into the attention circle. I even remember asking my parents for one and being rebuffed.

From that I went on to liking tie-up and hostage games. When puberty came sexual maturity was linked to bondage. Thirty years of shame and hiding followed. Finally with children gone and money available I began to build a collection of stuff and visit professional dominants. I am now thinking more about how to live more of my real self and hid less.

To this day a collar and leash are powerful images for me. I want be leashed by a powerful female, and I want to hold the leash of a willing slave.

I can't tell you all how impressed i am by your stories. They all seem to come right from the heart and with the internet so full of D/s related "Jerry Springer type" crap, it's completely refreshing to read the words you all have posted.

When I get a chance to collect my thoughts and sit down uninterrupted, I'll ad my story as well.

While the ink is still drying on the last reply however, I'd love to ask you reverie, specifically about your children. If you look back on the decisions you made, about keeping this yourning bottled, would you say it was the right thing to do, not as a whole, but at the very least, for your children? Now that you've managed to live "freely", would you have made the same decisions then, knowing what you know now?

bent

That is a hard question to answer. What if it was the other way...then the question you would be asking is what you presently do have.

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Originally posted by abitbent

While the ink is still drying on the last reply however, I'd love to ask you reverie, specifically about your children. If you look back on the decisions you made, about keeping this yourning bottled, would you say it was the right thing to do, not as a whole, but at the very least, for your children? Now that you've managed to live "freely", would you have made the same decisions then, knowing what you know now?

bent [/B]

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I will try to answer your question on children, but the full answer would take a long time and reveal more about myself than I care to this afternoon.

I was married shortly out of college and found out that sex in marriage did not meet all of my needs. I also thought I had no choice. There was no place like the Internet to meet people of like interest. There was no place in the US to go to find similar people. I had only one link to the reality that there were others out there like me. It was B&D ponography and showed that there was a market for the stuff. I had no idea that there were women who actually enjoyed the scene, I thought they were all models.

Our first child arrived and with it love and responsibility. Much of my life has been wonderful and both kids are everything a parent could ask. Both finished in the top ten of their high school class and went on to get undergraduate degrees in four years. Both have advanced degrees and are into their own careers. One is married and one is looking. Sorry about the boasting. I don’t think that either one has my D&S tendencies.

Summary, hiding myself was good for my wife, and good for both children. Was it bad for me, or did it keep me focused on job and family and not self and personal pleasure? Am I a better or worse person today because of the way events went? I don’t know.

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Originally posted by reverie35

Summary, hiding myself was good for my wife, and good for both children. Was it bad for me, or did it keep me focused on job and family and not self and personal pleasure? Am I a better or worse person today because of the way events went? I don’t know.

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You will never know. However, if you want to keep tabs, you made your entire family quite secure and happy. You are happy on the fact you made them happy. You are not happy for missing out on self pleasure. You are a very unselfish person - with the divorce rates as they are, the broken homes, etc - you didn't become an alarming increasing statistic, and maybe those kids will learn from you how to pass down that family.

And what keeps me with my family is I do respect them, and know that sure - I figured this out late in life, but I keep telling myself that maybe if I found out earlier I could end up farther down the road and realize that I had my fun, and done pleasing myself - or maybe it's time I introduce a family into my life....and then it's much harder or too late.

Well, that's what keeps me with them. And I do put them ahead of me. I try to shove my wants to cheat or explore with others under the rug - and tell myself that over all - I'm better off this way...hell, I can always have myself when they leave, and the simple act of TALKING to someone else to relieve that little pressure a little at a time is what keeps me from going insane, and utimately, become a statistic and create yet another broken family.

Thank you for your post - you show me that I can stick it in, and live through it.

The one thing I got going for me though is my wife does know about me, alot about me and my sexuality. However, she knows I still love her and wont leave her and I will not allow this to ruin it. She trust me...and didn't run off like some would. She won't explore it with me - but hell......some of us do ask that people just ACCEPT who we are - and she did just that.

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Summary, hiding myself was good for my wife, and good for both children. Was it bad for me, or did it keep me focused on job and family and not self and personal pleasure? Am I a better or worse person today because of the way events went? I don’t know.

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That's amazing rev, and thank you very much for the honesty.



Like many of you, i noticed this difference at a very young age, in fact, i propose even as early as 5 or 6, which by the "experts" standards is far before puberty. I've read a lot of theories about the "why" we are like this, and i've come to the conclusion that nobody really knows, and it's different for all people. Somehow, the more time that passes, the "why" becomes less important to me.

The crossroads is an interesting place. I've been there a number of times, trekked down each path for a little while, and turned back again to look at the directional sign to ponder my thoughts over and over. One arrow points to kink, the other points to vanillaville.

Without boring everyone with too much detail, my current situation finds me unmarried, in a 12 year long term vanilla relationship, with a 9 year old son. My wife (for the lack of a better term) is perfect in every vanilla way. Incredibly good looking, wonderful to talk to, laugh with, snuggle with, be with. My son is more than i could ask for too, a wonderful boy, smart, loves to be with his Dad.

The tattle tale signs that living vanilla was going to be a struggle, started early into my relationship. After the glow of teenage sex waned, so did my interest in vanilla sex entirely. My wife and i dabbled with D/s for fun in spurts and spats, and all the while she was wondering why i wasn't asking her for sex. The misunderstood feelings i was sending eventually made her feel undesirable, unloved, unwomanly. My only sexual advances towards her was requesting bondage games and femdom fun. Our relationship was a ticking timebomb. Eventually, she resented the whole lifestyle, believing it was the staple of our demise, and casted it out of our lives.

Leaving me alone with my thoughts proved a tough time for me, and it was about this time that i found the internet. Not only that, i found a local real life community of people who where just like me. Not before long, i was lying to get out the door to attend munches. Munches became a brief reprieve for me. Someplace where people understood me, a place where i could exhale. Amongst the many i met there, i continued corespondance with a particular Domme who spoke very comforting words. Especially at a time when my hurting and confused wife was lashing out at the lifestyle, and in turn, me.

Not before long, the deception eventually came out in the open, and my wife and i separated, leaving her with my 4 year old son. Things would never be the same from that point forward. I spent a year, immersed in the lifestyle, however i never really got far from home, because i missed my relationship with my wife, and my son as well. There was lots of soul searching during this time, on both sides and eventually, my wife and i decided to work it out somehow. We love each other very much, so we decided to try anything that would work.

Since then, many things have happened, and many attempts at things have failed. She's tried to nurture the monster that lives within me, and i've tried to be that vanilla husband that yourns to push her against a wall and make passionate love. Our efforts have been futile. I've stared long and hard at that signpost, i've tried desparately to separate myself into two halves and walk one leg each way. No matter how you try, it's an impossible task.

So now, i live with the happiness that comes with being in a loving family. I've chosen the vanilla path, although the brochure to all things kink remains in my back pocket. It's not a devious thing. My wife knows that it is there. In fairness, there is sacrifice on boths sides really. My D/s activities have been reduced to my maturbatory thoughts and the odd fling with my wife, and her vanilla sex episodes happen about once every two months. During oral play, i feel like i'm worshiping my Domme and she pretends that i'm just an ordinary vanilla guy. It sounds a little sad, but there is so much good about our relationship that tries very hard to shadow the sadness.

Summary, living this way is good for my wife, and good for my son. Is it bad for me or does it keep me focused on my family or my job and not self and personal pleasure? Will i be a better or worse person tomorrow because of the decisions that i'm making? I don't know.

It's the path that i've chosen, and right now, it feels like the right thing to do, for all involved.


bent

Its been very interesting reading through this.

i was very touched by everyone's story, so much so that i thought i would share mine:

i married the first time to escape a VERY abusive father when i was 16 (many moons ago...gosh...that was 20 years ago now). The man i married was 10 years older than i. He was old enough to have discovered what he liked and wanted and i was not experienced at all. i think he married me because he liked the idea of "teaching" a young one the ropes or maybe he just felt sorry for me...who knows.

He introduced me to his "world" via a pornographic magazine. He got the expected response...i started asking questions. Door opened!! He began gently...he was in all respects a gentleman and treated me with respect at the same time requiring ABSOLUTE submission. i responded quickly and it wasn't long before we were living a 24/7 lifestyle. People around us had no idea what we were doing, other than i worshipped him and he worshipped me. WE progressed nicely until a woman showed up on my doorstep with belly bulging nicely due to my husband's indiscretion. Well, i was submissive, but a child was above and beyond what i had signed up for. i left.

i was alone for several years, worked HARD to make ends meet. i eventually met my current husband who is SO vanilla, but is a loving man none the less. He knows of my penchant for this lifestyle but is totally uninterested. i recently met Wontworry here, we hit it off and have begun the journey of an online relationship. My husband knows and is totally OK with it.

i have lurked here for a long time... i am so glad i did...it has been so wonderful chatting with everyone that i have had the pleasure of meeting...and i can't wait to meet those of you that i haven't had the pleasure.

:)

Thank you for sharing Jazz...


This thread has been a great read for me and on some level, theraputic as well. Thank you for the honesty everyone.


bent

Ok, I am at the crossroad and have been for awhile now. I have spent the last 5 months analyzing what place this has or will have in my life. I have just now come to the realization that that I should just cut myself some slack.
I have tried to initiate this into vanilla relationships and have had no luck. In fact its gone encredibly wrong. I had tried to initiate it early into my relationship with my STBX. He wanted to sub all the time but he wanted to top from the bottom which was just ...infuriating. That is such a pain in the ass. I just wanted to tie him up with a ball gag and leave the house. Forever, even.
At any rate, I have finally decided that this is what I want and I can live with myself and that in the future I won't be settling for anything less than.

One of the better discussions, I think. Worth reading for Jones, Nikka's astounding contributions.

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Originally Posted by BDSM_Tourguide

One of the better discussions, I think. Worth reading for Jones, Nikka's astounding contributions.

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I agree! Thanks for bumping it up; I'd probably have missed it otherwise.

For me, having a partner who is open-minded, adventurous, and completely accepting of her darker side and mine has helped me tremendously in the still-ongoing process of accepting this part of me.

I grew up in a violent atmosphere, and I hated it. Hated it. Hated it. My perceptions of who I wanted to be, the type of person I wanted to be, and who I thought I'd become, all based on that loathing, were tossed into complete disarray when I finally acknowledged that I love to dominate and control. I thrill at the sensations of giving My sub the love pain she craves. And that, my new friends, was completely contrary to the vanilla persona I'd wrapped around myself for many, many years. The self-image shattered, and the shards were cutting me to pieces as I tried navigating my way through the mess. It was My sub partner who gave me the first positive words I could tentatively grasp onto as an emotional lifeline.

"I want the pain you want to give. I want to submit to you fully. Giving you that and accepting what you want to give me in return is empowering for me, because I know I have the choice. I know that you will never cause pain in a hurtful way. I want all of you, and that includes these parts of you. I love you. I love who you are. I love all of who you are."

Though I still struggle within myself at times, she's never failed those words. Or failed me. she is my strength.

I was raised in Oklahoma, my teen years being in the '70's and '80's. The sexual atmosphere then wasn't so much repressive as it was just plain ignorant.

Fortunately, I hooked up with a much older Okinawan woman while I was stationed there. She was into Shibari, Tantra, and BDSM; and I was the perfect blank slate for her to train. Good times!

Because of this, I don't spend a lot of time agonizing over my sexual tastes, nor do I try to catagorize them. They hold about as much importance to me as my preference in foods. For instance: while I like all kinds of cuisines, the fact that Mexican is my absolute favorite doesn't keep me up at night.

In fact, just about the only time I think about it is when I'm dealing with other people's mindsets (good and bad).

Here's the bottom line for me in ANY activity: DO NO HARM. The only time I question my actions is when I'm making someone else miserable. At 41, I've got more than enough bad karma; don't really need any more.

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Originally Posted by mastercoyote

Because of this, I don't spend a lot of time agonizing over my sexual tastes, nor do I try to catagorize them. They hold about as much importance to me as my preference in foods. For instance: while I like all kinds of cuisines, the fact that Mexican is my absolute favorite doesn't keep me up at night.

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While I, on the other hand, won't eat anything with the word 'cuisine' in it. I don't agonize over it, either; I just won't eat it. And, like mastercoyote, that's also how I treat my sexual preferences.

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Originally Posted by Curtis

While I, on the other hand, won't eat anything with the word 'cuisine' in it.

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:D Lol, I think I'm being accused of thesaurus abuse! :p

I read a lot, as a little girl. As a military brat, we moved around a lot, and I was too shy to make friends instantly, as my sister seemed to be able to do. So I took refuge with the only friends I knew would never leave me; my books. Starting with those fairy tales of princesses trapped in towers with mean stepmothers and handsome princes, and then, when I got older, more advanced reading, like 'The Little Princess' and Sherlock Holmes and Shakespeare. My father got out of the military when I was about six, and went into selling computers to the Army, and so started traveling a lot, which was when everything started falling apart. My mother, unable to handle the long months without my Dad, lashed out at the only people who were close enough to reach; me and my sister. We got bare-but beatings with a stick, forced to stand or kneel for hours, sometimes days, in the corner of her room without sleep, sometimes with but often without clothes, forced to hold our waste until we couldn't hold it anymore and wet ourselves, then had to clean ourselves up with her watching. I hated it at the time, but when I hit puberty (i.e. my first period) at seven, and sexual hormones came into play, I started fantasizing about a strong male personality doing these things to me instead of my mother. The fantasy helped me deal with an otherwise almost unbearable reality. My sister had friends with whom she could escapeon the weekends or after school; I didn't, so I got a good deal of it.
Thinking and fantasizing about that male figure got me in trouble later on. I started going out with (secretly, since Mom wouldn't have approved) a boy who was 18 when I was 14 and in my first year of high school, by which time my Dad was gone permanently. I haven't seen him since January of '93. He cornered me on the back steps to the library one afternoon after school and beat me up and raped me. I was too ashamed to tell Mom, and too afraid of him and what his parents might do if I brought it up. He's cousin to a certain blonde heiress who's been on TV a lot recently, and even at the age of 14 I understood that money talked. So I kept my mouth shut and let one of my friends' moms take me to a clinic to have an abortion a month later.
I had enough of my Mom and moved out of her house and in with a boyfriend right out of high school. He introduced me to BDSM for the first time. He was into pain, and the pain of a whipping from him fit right in along with the stuff Mom did to me and what I'd fantasized about. After one of our scenes he'd be really nice, very gentle and loving, and I thought this was how it was supposed to be. I decided then that I wanted to be a lifestyle BDSM'er. Then one night he brought home a bunch of his friends, they got drunk, and he tried to force me to do his dog. I refused; it horrified me. He lost his temper, dragged me outside and tied me up outside and gave me a whipping that scarred me; then he tied me up outside all night. The next morning a bee stung me and I went into anaphylactic shock (I'm allergic to bees). His little brother had me rushed to the hospital. I didn't press charges, but after I got out I went to his place, got my things, and moved back in with my mom.
The near-fatal incident left me terrified of BDSM. That was my crossroad. I buried my submissive urges deep inside, flung myself into my work and ignored all men until I met my husband 5 years ago when we were both working for a local department store. We got to talking, and one day I asked him out. Only to lunch, of course, but that was the beginning. We got engaged two months later. It took a two year engagement, on and off, before I finally gave up hoping that Mom would give us her blessing. Three years ago I just got up one night and left, taking nothing with me but the clothes on my back when i found out I was pregnant with his child. We got married, and now, three years later, we have two little boys and a wonderful life. With his help and loving support, I started exploring my sexuality more and more, and eventually I told him about my fascination with BDSM. He's totally vanilla, but he understood that sexual urges are hard to ignore, and he got me a computer so I could satisfy my BDSM appetite, or so he puts it. I've been hanging around here on the forums, reading posts and stories for the last year or so, but only this year did I start posting here and writing stories. Now Hubby and I are trying to find a dominant female to come over once in a while and 'play' with us/me. He admits that having me kneeling at the feet of another male, a Master, isn't a big turn on for him, but the idea of seeing me submit to a dominant female intrigues him, so we are currently trying to find a female Domme in our area.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jaeangel

(snip)
That was my crossroad. I buried my submissive urges deep inside, flung myself into my work and ignored all men until I met my husband 5 years ago when we were both working for a local department store.
(snip)
I started exploring my sexuality more and more, and eventually I told him about my fascination with BDSM. He's totally vanilla, but he understood that sexual urges are hard to ignore, and he got me a computer so I could satisfy my BDSM appetite, or so he puts it. I've been hanging around here on the forums, reading posts and stories for the last year or so, but only this year did I start posting here and writing stories. Now Hubby and I are trying to find a dominant female to come over once in a while and 'play' with us/me. He admits that having me kneeling at the feet of another male, a Master, isn't a big turn on for him, but the idea of seeing me submit to a dominant female intrigues him, so we are currently trying to find a female Domme in our area.

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My wife and I share a similar story. (Is there a book out there on how to be an abuser?) Her father was a minister, mother a school teacher. Pillars of the community, small town on the Great Plains. Mother gave her broken toes and fingers, broken ribs, bruises, etc. as part of her discipline. Father knew of this and did nothing. Much more to the story, but suffice it to say, this was a major part of childhood. Her first marriage, of course, started out with a two-year honeymoon period, then 10 years of every abuse possible. She finally got up the courage to kick him out. We met in an abused-spouse help group, and it's been 17 years now. Finally, last 13 or so years she allowed 100% of her desires to be known. She, too, wanted a strong male to dominate her.

The abuse is hard as a memory. I can't tell you how many hours I spent just holding her as she cried. But the D/s life has allowed her to blossom, not just sexually but in every phase of her life. She is more assertive, more loving, a better parent, and happy.

Burying those memories will take time, and help. You are fortunate indeed to have found a good man, a solid relationship. Sending good thoughts your way to help you on your long road.

chksng

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chksng19

My wife and I share a similar story. (Is there a book out there on how to be an abuser?) Her father was a minister, mother a school teacher. Pillars of the community, small town on the Great Plains. Mother gave her broken toes and fingers, broken ribs, bruises, etc. as part of her discipline. Father knew of this and did nothing. Much more to the story, but suffice it to say, this was a major part of childhood. Her first marriage, of course, started out with a two-year honeymoon period, then 10 years of every abuse possible. She finally got up the courage to kick him out. We met in an abused-spouse help group, and it's been 17 years now. Finally, last 13 or so years she allowed 100% of her desires to be known. She, too, wanted a strong male to dominate her.

The abuse is hard as a memory. I can't tell you how many hours I spent just holding her as she cried. But the D/s life has allowed her to blossom, not just sexually but in every phase of her life. She is more assertive, more loving, a better parent, and happy.

Burying those memories will take time, and help. You are fortunate indeed to have found a good man, a solid relationship. Sending good thoughts your way to help you on your long road.

chksng

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I symapthize with your wife. My mother never broke anything, but the sleep deprivation and humiliation did a lot of damage to my emotional and mental state, and that's harder to fix than broken bones, and I imagine it was worse for her, having to deal with physical damage at the same time.She was lucky to have found you, who understands, loves, and cares about her enough to hold her when she cries and give her the care, both as a husband and as a Master. I wish the BDSM aspect were part of my husband's and my relationship, but I won't force him to do anything he doesn't really want to do, and I love him too much to go and find someone else.
My regards to you both, and I wish her and you luck on your journey together too!