True Submissive

It is funny --and I had never thought about it until I had some one on one talks with some new submissives---

What is a Submissive?

My definition is and this is by no means all it could be ---is someone who enjoys serving a Dom.

Someone who gets off on doing things a Dom has them do or does to them.
From simple bondage --to spanking or to the other more extreme BDSM lifestyles. The whole point is the sub enjoys it.


What I found was more that half of the new submissives were not really submissives at all.

But rather nice women who had a hard life, and had the rooted feeling that they had never pleased anyone in their life.

Yes these ladies will do all the things a submissive will do ---but they only enjoy the fact that they think they finally pleased someone.

Hey this is sad---because these ladies are very easy to take advantage of --these ladies are the ones that will get really hurt ---when some want to be Dom gets tired of the sex show and dumps them. Or they go beyond their levels and get physically hurt, trying to please someone.

Now if you think you are submissive , Please consider ---Do you really enjoy it. or do you just put up with it to please someone else?

I wish I had the time to talk to each and ever one ----But there are some really good subs here on the board ---Please if you have a doubt --talk to some of them before you commit to a Dom

Rabbit,

This is very interesting post and something all new subs need to think about. Though I consider myself new to the lifestyle, I can honestly say I am very happy to be learning more about it. I know I look forward to the time I spend with Tojo and that I am having as much fun as he is.

Though I do love the feeling that I am pleasing him, I know he is concerned about how I feel too. I can see how someone could easily take advantage of a sub who feels it is all about just pleasing the Dom. I feel so blessed to have meet Tojo, as he has allowed things to progress at just the right pace.

I think your questions are very good and provide a simple check for any sub, no matter what their experiences might be.

Another great thread Rabbit, and fully behind what you say.

The only thing I would add is that being a sub is not a badge of honour, it is not better to be a sub and than not a sub.

When I chat to newbies, subs and Doms in the room, I sometimes tell them that if they have the option of taking or rejecting this lifestyle, then they should reject it. It is not an easy route, and if it is not what you are at your core, it will end up being painful.

In a true BDSM relationship it is a virtue to be a true sub, in a vanilla relationship even one with some of the paraphernalia of a BDSM one, it is better not to be a true sub. Discover what you are, and seek a relationship accordingly.

cariad

Rabbit, a very interesting thread. I think you did a great service to maybe many here.

I guess everyone needs to determine the difference between enjoying this life style because they truly want to and just plain being abused. Hopefully people here will be able to help out those who have doubts. There are many very caring people here to help out those with doubts.

Rabbit, I am with you on knowing women who want more to be pleasing than to serve. As to if they are submissive or not, I leave that to them to decide. I prefer to enjoy this lifestyle without the lables of Sir Ma'am Master slave submissive or the like. I find that once you put a lable, your restricting yourself within the confines of its definition.

So to all those men and women who enjoy servitude, who enjoy being dominated and controlled. Remember the most important thing about this entire expereince is it should be fun.

If it is not fun, well perhaps the reason you are doing what your doing should be evaluated, and reasses why your doing it.

Enjoy!

V/R
ID

At least from my perspective, I wouldn't do any sub stuff if I didn't enjoy what was going on as a whole. It's just as much about making me happy as him. I'm far too uppity to have all my pleasure come from serving him and making him happy. I find that I'm far more satisfied when he's paid attention to me, too.

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Or they go beyond their levels and get physically hurt, trying to please someone.

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Or emotionally hurt, which can be much harder to recover from.

Another excellent thread O great long eared one, & all contributors.

As ID said- it should be fun.

Thanks Aussiegirl- you make it easy for me to show the way with your committment & excellent feedback.

Fun is just what it is- & very powerful. :wave:


Tojo

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Originally Posted by Tojo

Thanks Aussiegirl- you make it easy for me to show the way with your committment & excellent feedback.

Fun is just what it is- & very powerful. :wave:

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Thank you Tojo, it is fun and powerful too. I wish all new subs could have the joy of feeling the way I do.:)

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Originally Posted by maddie

At least from my perspective, I wouldn't do any sub stuff if I didn't enjoy what was going on as a whole.

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maddie, is that not the case with ANY submissive or even slave?

I don't know, RickBulow. I think Rabbit's point was that some subs tend to forget that this is supposed to be enjoyable to them and not just because they're making somebody else happy. My point is that he needs to make me happy, too. I don't derive my pleasure from his. That's part of it, but it's not all there is.

i was thinking about this the other day. i make it no secret that i've been through a lot of crap early on in life. i do like to please others. At one point several years ago i would have done anything to please a Dom. i got burned very quickly and very hard and took a step away from the scene, only lurking around ocassionally. i thought submitting ment pleasing everyone. After a while, the feeling of "something is missing, the feeling of being different" became overwhelming. i was fortunate in that i met someone who has taught me more about myself and about submission than i had imagined possible. When i have been ordered or even asked to do something now, i do it because i want to do it for Him. i still get a pleasure out of knowing that i have made Him happy, but now unlike before, i'm doing it for myself as much as for Him. Even in failure, while it is regretable, i'm happier inside because i know that i am doing the best that i can.

Tis very difficult for me to express this. The feelings are there, so deep and pressing, but finding the words to exactly express how i feel now are escaping me.

What you are saying about 'How can I make him happy for the evening?' reminds me about a book a friend of mine bought me as a birthday present, as a kind of joke, about how to be a good wife. It's from the 50s or 60s and talks about checking your makeup before he gets home and keeping quiet while he talks about his day. Essentially it lays down a blueprint for the perfect submissive wife. I think a lot of women used to behave that way, and probably a fair few of them really enjoyed it.

I think you are right, those are really submissive LIFE/lifestyle traits. I could certainly get satisfaction from those things, and on a profound, submissive level.

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Originally Posted by delia

anita, once i read your post, i realized that perhaps my point hadn't come across right... i wasn't meaning in the 1950's housewife way, but in the submissive way, although as you did mention, sometimes those two ways are close...

there are other things besides "domestic" chores that can make your Dom/me relaxed and feel better... my main point is that play isnt ALWAYS the mechanism through which a submissive can act...

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I think what you are trying to say ---is that in the lifestyle ---it is not all about play ---but about caring also ----you do not have to be a sub to care that your partner is tired ---and want to help them relax---yet this is also a part of a subs life ----I as a Dom ---if my sub is tired or feeling bad ---I care enough about her to try to ease the way she is feeling ---help her relax ---if she is sick take care of her as she would me ----that part is not strictly being a Dom or a sub ---but should be part of any relationship

I see what you're saying; that there are many ways to express submission.

And also that caring should underpin any relationship be it bdsm or otherwise.

I couldn't agree with you more

I can't remember who I got this quote from, but it's a fantastic one.

"There are two kinds of submissives. Those that think they don't deserve any better, and those that won't accept anything less."

I admit, when I started out (what feels like a lifetime ago now), I was the first kind. But I was lucky. I fell into the care of the right person, and I became very much the second.

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Originally Posted by Timberwolf

I can't remember who I got this quote from, but it's a fantastic one.

"There are two kinds of submissives. Those that think they don't deserve any better, and those that won't accept anything less."

I admit, when I started out (what feels like a lifetime ago now), I was the first kind. But I was lucky. I fell into the care of the right person, and I became very much the second.

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TW again a great thought and post. It does make one think after reading your quote, doesn't it?

I was going to steal Timberwolf's quote, but he got here before I did....

I am definitely still at the beginning of my journey. But already I have met numerous subs that I don't think are at the right place in their life to begin their own.

It might be that they are not "true submissives" as Rabbit was discussing....or, it could be that they are just not really ready. For me (and I suspect for most), D/s is much more psychological than sexual. If you come into it with emotional baggage (as a Top, or a bottom), then you are just setting yourself up for disaster.

If you take a sub with emotional issues that haven't been resolved, and then beat them, call them nasty names, and engage in humiliation, you are at serious risk of inflicting some long term damage. As a sub I need to be strong enough to seperate playtime with reality.

Same goes for unstable Doms - as a sub I trust my Dom to take me to the edge....and then lead me back.

This is a very dangerous game we play - and we need to be careful.

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Originally Posted by Rabbit1

I think what you are trying to say ---is that in the lifestyle ---it is not all about play ---but about caring also ----you do not have to be a sub to care that your partner is tired ---and want to help them relax---yet this is also a part of a subs life ----I as a Dom ---if my sub is tired or feeling bad ---I care enough about her to try to ease the way she is feeling ---help her relax ---if she is sick take care of her as she would me ----that part is not strictly being a Dom or a sub ---but should be part of any relationship

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Thank you for saying just what I was thinking as I read delia's posts.

cariad