Why do I have these fantasies?

Since I was six years old, at least, I can recall having fantasies about slave auctions and punishment sessions. The kinds of auctions where everyone is naked. The kinds of punishments where nobody necessarily did anything wrong--they (I) were (was) just there to be punished for punishment's sake.

I was having these fantasies before I even had a clue what sex was.

My parents didn't give me these fantasies as far as I can tell. They weren't wierd about sex or anything like that. They were always very active in building up my self-image and independence. They spanked me occasionally but nothing weird or severe.

Yet from the age of six (maybe earlier) I have been having these fantasies.

I must have been eight years old when my favorite part about visiting my aunt's house was sneaking off with her reader's digest book on witchcraft and reading the part about the tortures of the inquisition. There was a page that listed a daily torture routine which was the model for many a pre-sexual sex-fantasy session.

When I started masturbating, I somehow naturally made the connection between that act and these fantasies. I would always combine masturbation sessions with self-spanking and self-pinning and self-biting sessions. Sometimes in my fantasies I was the one giving this pain, sometimes the one recieving it. Sometimes in my fantasies I was female, sometimes male. (Sub was always female, Dom was both.)

In recent years, my fantasies have increased in severity, up to and including acts of incest, rape, torture, and even death. I imagine myself, still, in both the giving and recieving roles.

I had a thoroughly sweet and caring upbringing, with parents who instilled in my, by word and deed, a strongly compassionate and fair-minded sort of moral character.

Why in the world have I been having such incongruous sexual fantasies from such a young age if it wasn't some element of my upbringing? If it wasn't some element of that, then what could it be?

How uncomfortable should I be with myself that I imagine, with pleasure, both the act of being a girl raped, tortured and killed by a father or brother figure, and also the act of raping, torturing and killing a daughter figure?

Of course it is absolutely impossible that I would ever want such events to actually happen--such a thought makes me sick to my stomach--but nevertheless, the *fictional* thought of such thing is very sexually exciting to me. Why?

After writing this email, am I going to be put on some kind of list?
-retsnomterces

Hi retsnomterces,

There is no list here. There are a lot of caring people who understand your fantasies and many who share them. The more violent of your fantasies involving non consensual BDSM should, of course, remain fantasies, but you can indulge in them mentally by reading the many good stories on this site.
As far as why you feel like you do. I think few of us can pinpoint the reason we do. We can remember the first time we had the fantasy but why? Heaven knows. I too had a loving caring upbringing, and I have fantasies similar to yours. I fought them when I was younger, but as the years have gone on I have become more open-minded about such things. I accept them and I am lucky enough to be able to live them out with my wonderful husband.
I hope this helps out a little.

Woodsman's game