suggestions for a gentle start

My partner and I have used s&m in fantasy whilst having fairly vanilla sex (nothing actually happening beyond occasionally me tying her up and her orgasm denial, neither of which ever seemed to be taken too seriously). Well, last week, I suggested a "night of slavery" as a forfeit if she couldn't control her orgasm. To cut the story short, she will be paying that forfeit at some point.

In our fantasy play we have discussed quite extreme activities - eg public bondage & exposure, involvment of 3rd parties for her to service (and 4th, 5th..., both male & female).

However, I'm sure that trying to play out any of those activities on the night will be a very bad idea. In reality we will both (quite probably) be far more timid. As the "dom" for the night, I am as nervous of the prospect of 'freezing' up and having nothing to suggest for the night as I am of pushing it too far too quickly.

Would any of you experienced hands (subs or doms) care to suggest how to structure a first "physical" experience of s&m to help ensure that it is a positive, rewarding time for both of us? I'm not specifically asking for tasks for my slave to do (although ideas never harm!) more about how to structure the session to make us both feel comfortable doing what we are doing and exploring this lifestyle happily.

Should I be starting by laying down MY rules? Asking her to set some personal boundaries? Safe words? Or am I overengineering it all? (Alternatively, does this sort of attitude suggest I'm just unsuited to being a decent Dom and should give up now)?

TIA.

TIA,

It sounds to me that you have an opportunity to take another step towards BDSM and don't want to screw it up. That doesn't make you unsuited, to me it shows that you are loving and caring towards your wife and if you both continue in this direction, you will do so safely and carefully.

You have recognised that roleplay and fantasy are very different to reality, and to try some of your extremes on this first time would probably scare her from agreeing to do this again. I assume your objective is to have her enjoy the experience and want to do this more. As a Dom, I have always erred to the slower side, probably even slower than the subbie would have liked, but that does in turn build a trust and security that allowed things to progress over time. You have a lifetime together, take your time, you don't need to experience it all on day 1. It is fun to explore slowly together and get an understanding of your own feelings as they develop.

My suggestion would be that the night before the big day, you remind her of her commitment and give her a safeword that she may use if she is too uncomfortable with any task, or even just wants to come out of role so that she can discuss aspects with you. Apart from this time, she is be a obeydient, devoted slave to you.

The start of the day should have the basic 'rules' stated (the following aren't even suggestions, but more just examples) :

1. Slave (call her 'slave' or some other name than usual to reinforce her role) will obey all commands without question.
2. Slave will be naked or dressed only as I request for the duration.
3. Slave may not request or beg for anything for her own pleasure.
etc

Since you have only roleplayed in the bedroom previously, it is unlikely that she will be able to get thru the day without making several mistakes. Mistakes should be punished, but something mild will do for this first day. Say, a couple of swats on her butt with a wooden spoon.

Apart from servicing you whenever required (and of course, no pleasure for herself), the day does not need to be filled with wild BDSM adventures. The role (mindset) can be used for all the usual activities, such as cooking you breakfast, basic housework, etc.

It is difficult to give real suggestions to you, because of lack of knowledge of your tastes and experiences, but I would recommend you consider the following:

1. Public activity, remember that while she may be fully consensual to something in this area, the public she is exposed to did not give their consent.

2. Involving others, may be something you want to do another day if this is your kink, but on the first day you need to develop your own confidence of being in control. Without this confidence, you could easily lose control of events involving others.

3. Do not be afraid that you are being too mild for her. If you are too mild, she will let you know in your discussion with her after the day, and happily submit to another day - whereas, if you go too far, she will be hesitant to try it again.

4. As a vast generalisation, men tend to be aroused most by physical, women aroused more by the mind. What she physically has to do as a slave is far less important to her than the mindset that you create. So, washing the dishes after breakfast hardly sounds part of a wild kinky day, but if she is a slave cleaning up for her Master, it can be to her.

OK, I think I have rambled on long enough with my thoughts. Please feel free to ask for clarification on anything I have suggested.

I hope you have a wonderful day and it results in being just the first of many.

Brosco

Hi there! Here's my two cents based on experiences I've had:

If her and your fantasies have included impact play of some kind and you're not experienced with it in real life, so long as you start out light it's nothing to be afraid of. Spanking, swats with the tail end of a belt (don't crack the whole thing and for gods sake dont use the buckle end hehehe), the aforementioned wooden spoon or a hairbrush... these are all very good things. I advise starting out easy and watching for her reactions; it's most fun for her if she sees she can trust YOU to tell how hard is okay, instead of having to monitor and think about it and say when is enough.

Talk is always a good thing. I agree that 3rd-party fantasies are too much for the first night, but there's no harm in blindfolding her and reminding her that you *could* invite over some friends. ("They could look at you, they could touch you, they could pinch you like th- hey! Did I tell you to move??")

And - this one has annoyed me more times than I can count!! - if the idea of submitting has been a big turnon for her, don't go and spoil the mood by having ordinary sex at the end! Awe her by your amazing manliness. Not that you have to *do* anything unusual, just remember that she is *yours* for the night and so when you go to bed, you're taking possession of something that belongs to you. If you know you already have certain controlling mannerisms in bed (ie you tend to hold people down or something), let them loose! Play up the I-am-Man-hear-me-roar thing. I always enjoy when my partner ends that way after we play. It's disappointing if he slips into our usual manner of lovemaking after a scene and says something like "Oh am I squishing your leg again?"

Finally: don't forget aftercare!

Just my two cents.

-whippedcream

To me you sound like you're doing just fine theoccupier. I don't pretend to know the ins & outs of a 'proper D/s relationship' any more (or less) than anyone.

What you say about limits & safe words sounds great.

I have no hesitation in not suggesting what you should do- you & her have to work that out!

Just take it slow, stay within the limits & give her a night to remember! The rest is up to you. To me, the fact that you're asking for advice, caring & showing concern shows all the signs of a great Dom.

Oh OK- one small suggestion....Take charge! :)

Tojo

I could not have explained this better myself. If you print off one thing as your 'guide', this is the one.

Brosco

Quote:

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Originally Posted by whippedcream

Hi there! Here's my two cents based on experiences I've had:

If her and your fantasies have included impact play of some kind and you're not experienced with it in real life, so long as you start out light it's nothing to be afraid of. Spanking, swats with the tail end of a belt (don't crack the whole thing and for gods sake dont use the buckle end hehehe), the aforementioned wooden spoon or a hairbrush... these are all very good things. I advise starting out easy and watching for her reactions; it's most fun for her if she sees she can trust YOU to tell how hard is okay, instead of having to monitor and think about it and say when is enough.

Talk is always a good thing. I agree that 3rd-party fantasies are too much for the first night, but there's no harm in blindfolding her and reminding her that you *could* invite over some friends. ("They could look at you, they could touch you, they could pinch you like th- hey! Did I tell you to move??")

And - this one has annoyed me more times than I can count!! - if the idea of submitting has been a big turnon for her, don't go and spoil the mood by having ordinary sex at the end! Awe her by your amazing manliness. Not that you have to *do* anything unusual, just remember that she is *yours* for the night and so when you go to bed, you're taking possession of something that belongs to you. If you know you already have certain controlling mannerisms in bed (ie you tend to hold people down or something), let them loose! Play up the I-am-Man-hear-me-roar thing. I always enjoy when my partner ends that way after we play. It's disappointing if he slips into our usual manner of lovemaking after a scene and says something like "Oh am I squishing your leg again?"

Finally: don't forget aftercare!

Just my two cents.

-whippedcream

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Wonderful suggestions! Keep in mind you need to watch her reactions closely. The first night of play will always be a wonderful memory. I still remember my first night of play of total submission and his dominance. I have had plenty since then but the first time is always very special.

Remember to keep communicating with her. The mind is a complex sex organ and use it to your advantage. I love it when my Sir or Daddy do that to me. I'm sure she will to.

Good luck!

subwife

A nice gentle way to impose your dominance over her and have a lot of fun doing it is to have her join you in the shower or tub and make her wash you top to bottom. Sex while bathing is optional. Followed by;

A nice massage,

Then have her ride you, doing alll the work. Don't even touch her until after she's satisfied you.... finally,

Tie her up so she can't resist and give her a great orgasm or three.

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

Tie her up so she can't resist and give her a great orgasm or three.

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or, since her crime was orgasming without permission, tie her up so she can't resist and then tease her mercilously WITHOUT giving her a great orgasm or three.

fantassy

Quote:

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Originally Posted by fantassy

or, since her crime was orgasming without permission, tie her up so she can't resist and then tease her mercilously WITHOUT giving her a great orgasm or three.

fantassy

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LOL, I guess that depends on your kink... Mine is forced orgasms. *WEG*

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

LOL, I guess that depends on your kink... Mine is forced orgasms. *WEG*

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grinzzz ... Well Ozme, if the crime was coming without permission, with your kink, wouldn't it be more appropriate to make her cum over and over again.. in fact cum so many times that her clitty actually hurt? :)

Brosco

Absotivley... but he also asked about a gentle start. LOL Plus this way he gets to enjoy several session components to help him find his kink...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by fantassy

or, since her crime was orgasming without permission, tie her up so she can't resist and then tease her mercilously WITHOUT giving her a great orgasm or three.

fantassy

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This is certainly part of my 'master' plan (if you'll pardon the pun).

Some great responses already, thanks everyone for your input. What I'm trying to wrestle with now is the balance between pre-planning things (to ensure I don't dry up mentally) and spontenaiety.

My ideas so far start with stripping her (or ordering her to) to delineate from the "wife" and "slave" parts of her day. I'd then give her some basic rules (no cumming without permission, no talking without permission, obeying orders without hesitation) and some preparation tasks to do (cleansing, shaving etc) and then dressing in the clothes I will have laid out.

To kick off the whole teasing thing, I will require her to masturbate, but without permission to orgasm, repeatedly in the bath and while dressing.

My next thought was to go into the "rules for the evening" with her in more depth - but as a 2-way activity, ie give her the opportunity to set some boundaries:
- her safeword (perhaps an amber "stop this thing" and red "stop it all")
- things she wants to get out of the night
- things definitely off limits
- secret desires for the night (hopefully if I have played the masturbation right up to this point, her resistance will be lower and she may suggest a few activities at the edge of her limits she would like to try if she is ordered to do them)

Exactly where I go beyond this is TBA at the moment, but I foresee perhaps an outfit change for her at some point (setting the opportunity for some discipline for transgressing some rule I will have thought up to which her new outfit does not conform), plenty of focus on my physical pleasure (sexual and otherwise) and plenty of frustration for her before, doubtless, permitting her orgasm - after an appropriately humiliating amount of deferential begging! I think this is fast becoming my kink!

How am I doing so far?

Do I need to up the correction and punishment aspect of the experience - is this integral to a dom/slave session or down to personal proclivity? Spanking at least is one of her kinks - does a 'good' dom let himself be influenced by this? If so is it by withholding it as a punishment in itself, or emphasising it?

I'm intrigued by Brosco's suggestion about how far the mental side of it can go. It would not have occurred to me to consider 'normal' activity like doing the dishes (realise this was only an example) but gives me some thoughts about wider ideas of 'servitude' for her slavery! Anyone else care to corroborate this?

Hi there! I am currently an online slave to my Master. I have to tell you that for us, as far as punishment goes, knowing that I've disappointed him is enough to make a normally pleasurable activity for me, such as spanking, into something that is a true punishment. So, I don't think that withholding something she likes is necessarily the key. I guess for me, it's the mindset and how I feel about disappointing him if you can understand that.

I don't think that every single scene or even D/s relationship has to include punishment and correction. I know that sometimes for Master and I, play is enough and it's what feels right. I think that he would tell you that sometimes you have to play it by ear and really listen to her body language and other cues.

Master always tells me that my pleasure is at his pleasure, meaning that sometimes what he wants to give me is what I want. This is not always the case. Sometimes I want to cum, and he doesn't want to give that to me so I don't get to cum. BUT, there are times when i really want it and he wants me to have it. Maybe this is a little too far for you considering you're just starting out and setting boundaries, etc.... but in our relationship, everything is at his option.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that it's all relative. There is no certain way to play in a BDSM relationship. Everyone has different kinks and different things that turn them on. It's up to you to figure out what she really likes and whether or not you want to give that to her. In the end, it's all about pleasure, for you and for her. As a sub though, your pleasure will probably bring her pleasure!

I don't know if this helped at all, or I'm just rambling. Feel free to kick my butt when I'm not useful! ~giggles~ OOohh... or spank me! :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by theoccupier

I'm intrigued by Brosco's suggestion about how far the mental side of it can go. It would not have occurred to me to consider 'normal' activity like doing the dishes (realise this was only an example) but gives me some thoughts about wider ideas of 'servitude' for her slavery! Anyone else care to corroborate this?

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It sounds like you have a great day planned! As far her suggestions for what she hopes for from the evening - I don't know if I am typical, but what I would suggest myself is far more limited than what I would agree sounds intriguing if Brosco suggests it.

As far as the mental aspect goes, I can give you an example of a "normal" thing that took on a whole different meaning for me. Brosco suggested I wear a "collar" when ever I am in "subbie" mode - doing a task for him. We agreed that a metal and leather choker necklace I have would be suitable for the purpose. Now I have worn that choker dozens of times over the years and never thought twice about it, but when I wore it out in public while doing a "subbie" task at Brosco's instruction, it took on an entirely new meaning for me. It was all in my head, of course, but it was very effective.

fantassy

Sounds like you've thought things through pretty well. One thing, though: the little subbie on my shoulder is whispering that it's not really fair to assign her an outfit and then punish her when it doesn't conform to your rules. The miniDom on my other shoulder says there's nothing wrong with setting up a readymade reason to put somebody over your knee, considering you could do it for no reason at all if you wanted...

I guess my advice is if you're going to "punish" for something like that with a sexy spanking or something else you both find fun, then that's cool. Just be aware that the feeling of disappointing one's Master can produce anything from a mischevious glee to an actual emotional ouch, depending on the tone you set for the punishment.

Hi theoccupier,

I do like your idea of scene-setting. I use this a lot and have two incidents that you may like to consider.

I took my wife to London for a few days. We visited several shops in Soho and in one I bought a new cane. I asked the salesman to wrap it securely as I intended my wife to carry it separately for the rest of the day. I dropped the notion that as it was so springy it could unwind at any moment and break out of the bag! My wife blushed furiously but not entirely from embarassment, and I knew she was getting a kick out of it.

For the rest of the day she carried soooo carefully! She got it home in one piece and couldn't wait to try it out.

On another evening we had some of the family over to visit. I made my wife spend the entire time chatting and socialising as she wore a pair of rubber knickers. These were the loose-fitting kind that have a tencency to be very noisy! She moved around very gingerly and on a number of times I noticed our guests looking around for the source of the sound.

Mixing playtime with the mundane certainly cheers up the day for us.