Your opinion on this situation.

First off i'd like to say hello to the forum i'm new here but look forward to being as active as I can be. I will get to the question but a little background first. Me and my wife have looked into and began to divulge into the D/s lifestyle. It's been a great several months for both of us. We are happier now than I think we have ever been. We have read and read and researched and read some more trying to learn as much as we can and are still thirsty for more.

There is really one main problem and i'm racking my brain trying to figure this one out. I work full time, go to school full time, she works as well and we have 2 children. We obviously only have certain times that we can actually play. We try to take advantage of that as much as we can and well it isn't as much as either of us would like but it is what it is. I've always been the D in the relationship even before I knew what to call it and she is by nature a sub. The problem is she needs this as close to full time as she can get. She is happier and thrives when i'm strict with her and better behaved as well. The problem is due to "life" I just do not always have the time to give her the attention she needs or wants.

So we start and stop, cant always follow through on the discipline part, taskings etc. and the less time I have to show her the harder it is for her. We both see the mixed messages and the lack of stability here is the issue. Just wonder if others deal with this same issue and how they go about living the D/s lifestyle when life, kids, work, responsibilities, research papers, tests and finals all get in the way.

It is so easy to see when we have nothing or little going on and we are steady she thrives but as soon as a day or two goes by where we back off from it she reverts to acting out pushing and testing me to get the dominant reaction she wants and I know what she is doing but just cant take her over my knee and give her the "spanking" she needs while i'm in the middle of a literary review project on non-profit organizations after a full day of work and class.

Any and all suggestions are welcome. And thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Weclome to the Forums.

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Originally Posted by Burddom

...she reverts to acting out pushing and testing me to get the dominant reaction she wants and I know what she is doing but just cant take her over my knee and give her the "spanking" she needs ...

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What she is doing when she acts out is damaging the dynamic that y’all are striving to keep. You must NOT give her what she wants at this time. If you give her a spanking (and she enjoys those) then you are rewarding her for – and encouraging more of - this undesired behavior from her.

I would suggest a two-pronged approach. Consider punishments that she will not enjoy at all. Perhaps she must stand in a corner during the time that y’all would normally have your playtime. Let her know the consequences of her actions directly: “It is too bad you made the choice to do (specific acting-up activity) and have taken away *my* pleasure time of playing with you…” I do realize that you’d have to suffer this punishment as well, but that is a suggestion.

The second suggestion I have is to create a reward list in your mind. Come up with several little things that will not take long. (It sounds to me as if an erotic spanking might top your reward list for her.) Please do give her listed responsibilities that do not change much. This way, your job is only labor intensive to set up. Work on your ‘set up’ (including adding to it later) during those times that you have more free time. You must plan ahead for when you go through your busier periods.

You will need to take the time to reward her, certainly. If she is ‘good’ for you, don’t just ignore that! This is your responsibility in maintaining the dynamic, imho.

You do not need hours of uninterrupted time to play (although those are bliss, I do realize). You just have to use your mind and utilize spare moments where you can find them. I hope there is something here that you might find useful.

Hi Burddom

I'm not 100% clear on what question you are actually asking, but will do my best.

Domming can be hard work as you are discovering - definitely enjoyable especially when you achieve the results you want but a lot of thought and planning is often necessary.

In your position (e.g. with not enough time) I would start by instructing your wife (sub) to write her feelings, needs, wants, desires and wishes down. Get her to investigate where you can find lists of kinks and fill them in (there are lots of examples to be found on the forums here). Then get her to spend her time sorting through what is most important to the two of you at this moment. Please don't let her forget that it is you who will make decisions (unless you want an upside-down D/s relationship!), but if she has done all that work you will have eliminated anything that she would refuse to do.

Hopefully if she has worked hard you won't have to spend too much time looking at the results. Discussion is always extremely important but in my opinion this can reduce the time drain.

As for the discipline part - as skittish doe has pointed out it's important to make sure that discipline is seperate from pleasure.

Another thing I would definitely do if your wife is acting like this is pack the kids off to grandparents or somewhere like that and have a weekend dedicated to your relationship.

Hoping this helps
VV

Thank you both for the responses. We have spent hours talking about feelings, desires, fantasies, limits so I think we have that part covered. I have her write in a journal as well so it is an ongoing thing. I know the question was a little convoluted. Basically the situation boils down to when i'm not giving her the attention she wants she acts out (usually back talking, she knows how I hate that) knowing that it will draw out a response and that is what she wants, me to make her stop it, effectively topping from the bottom. I think it's cute until it isn't anymore and her way of saying "master, I want attention". When i'm in the middle of a paper for instance and she does it I cannot stop and correct her right then or another time she will do it and then the kids walk in again I cannot correct the behavior right then effectively letting her get away with it. I'll get time eventually and come up with a punishment which gives her the attention she wanted and things are fine. In her case it isn't the punishments and liking them or disliking them (she dislikes quite a few of them) it is the fact i'm giving her the attention she wants.

the question really is 2 part. 1) how others balancing "life" with the lifestyle and staying steady and strict even when you have a ton on your plate already. and 2) just your opinions or ideas on the situation of having a needy sub who acts out to get a response from you when your to busy to give her a response which is why she isn't getting the attention she wants in the first place.

Thank you all for welcomes and the responses so far.

1) You can't create extra time, so one option is to be stringent about when "playtime" is (with kids in the house you've obviously already got experience with these restrictions). I don't have to tell you that once agreed any such times should be sacrosanct (no "I'm too tired" on Wednesday night if that is a play night unless dying from manflu for example). Another option is to think carefully about whether any of the ton on your plate can be lifted, of course (at the expense of appearing to "side" with your wife on this matter!).

2) A "needy" partner/wife/sub/toyboy/etc. is a problem when you lead a busy life whatever kind of relationship you have! I have a strong feeling that the two often go together, i.e. one's partner can become more needy the busier one gets because they may be unconsciously saying "you are paying more attention to your work/social/whateverelseyouaredoing than to me!". Of course there are many other potential reasons such as health issues which may need to be addressed.

Finally, please think about your words "too busy to give her a response" and imagine how you would feel if you were in her situation, or your kids did that to you (actually, knowing kids it can happen!), or your boss at the school did it. In my management training they told me "make time for other people".

I dont have much to say but that Im in full agreement with the responses you have received, But Id like to put out there something to think about and can maybe be incorporated in you and your wifes situation as well as raising wonderful adults one day . Why do we treat random people in the public or workplace with more respect and thoughtfulness than the ones in our own home .

I was asked this once in counseling with my ex , It became one of those moments where we both looked at each other and agreed. Its just a thought. I am in no way stating there is rudeness and such going on , but we as a society tend to treat everyone better than our loved ones yet we love them so much .

Second, It is never to late to teach and learn , I raised twins plus an older daughter , we had to re train on Privacy , everyone should have and be allowed there private time , adults and children , children learn to respect that time as they should . They learn it by the parents comming up with ways to show them how you respect there private time , like open door in room reading time is there time . I think if you had less interruptions your job could get done and you would find there is time to spare. This also will allow for respected time you two as husband and wife need , Dom /Sub .

I also would encourage talk time . You say you have this ? well than headspace should be happening in your sub with this talk and shareing time , 30 to 45 min. depending on workload, you should have her near ,or in lap depending on your set up of things , and she should be sharing the good the bad and all with you , as well as you , must include what she has done that is disappointing as well as you . I found I needed this through the raising of a family and heavy work time. I was mandatory about it . I needed it out of everything , it was my time to be his sub in his arms and his full attention on me for good or bad , but it kept me in the close emotional place I needed to be .

Now for your wife, first Im as submissive as they come , but a Alpha female to others but who would be my Dom. Anyhow, as a sub plain and simple as long as you do your part. I would not want to have my only moments taken up with punishment , or my master seeking a lil action online to relax because I was nagging so to speak . I would be patient and waiting for he would choose to come for me not the computer when he was ready and that is how it should be .

There is also the option of simply informing her that acting up in the manner she has done is not acceptable and that if it continues she will find no response whatsoever until she decides to behave. IE no punishments, and especially no funnishments etc etc.

She is an adult and can choose to behave can she not?

Basically what I am saying is: Attention seeking behaviors such as these are nothing new to the D/s dynamic.

A wise domme once told me that "topping from the bottom" is basically a bull shite excuse used by dominants who are not as dominant as they think they are. But one must also keep in mind it takes to at least two to tango in a D/s relationship. In other words it can't be a one sided exchange of power or intellect. She must choose too submit as much as you choose to dominate.


In your particular situation she isn't helping anything by being a brat or testing limits when amongst the uninitiated (such as your children etc).

If I did the same to my owner I would most certainly regret it later (we live in a household where I am my mother;'s home care provider and play time is hence restricted yet I am under his discipline 24/7...even if discipline isn't meted out immediately for any infractions it is eventually meted out and in spades at times. A jalapeano coated buttplug isn't a lot of fun (but a quick trip with her to the bathrrom and its all in...even if vanilla people are in the house, she may be uncomfortable but so what) and his slut get right stick makes me cringe just typing about it. Ive made inadvertently or otherwise made mistakes in these regards at tijmes and I learned I have too keep in mind the fine line between being spirited and playful when appropriate and being a childish willful brat.

And all this communication doesn't necessarily need to take place in some kind of time out.

It really helped that my owner sat me down once while punishing me and made me answer as to whether or not I thought it was right to "play" in front of those who are not part of our lifestyle...IE children, relatives etc.

Sounds like she could benefit from the same.





You cant be the only one who is too put forth an effort to make it work...she has an equal part to play in the power exchange and has to remain adult enough to know when and where play time and playful challenging of your authority is and is not acceptable.

I'm with denu on this. We're all adults here and we are responsible for our actions. And as adults we know when the brattiness is completely out of line, as it sounds like it is in your situation.
There's lots of ways to handle the situation and several have been suggested and I'll throw in my 2 cents.
A) Establish your space and your time where she CAN'T interrupt you and if she does then set up consequences. And then stick to them!
B) Give her things to do while your working. One example: 10 min masturbation 50 min cleaning until your done. No Cumming! and then when your done, or when you take a work break you can have play time.
Just a couple of ideas.

I sometimes think we have this idea that submitting to someone only means: 'in all the fun, and sometimes not so fun sexual stuff'.
But i am reminded time and again that it is in the non-sexual times that submition is the most challenging. For me anyway.

I am currently having to deal with almost zero communication- even vanilla- due to our lives. This after having had constant and very open communication for the whole of our relationship.
I am realising again that my submission is not (only) tested when i submit sexually. It is (especially) tested when there is no reward.... Simply putting His needs above mine.

i find that my internal dialogue helps/hinders me the most. So, i go and kneel in the slave positions, those times when rebellion wants to overtake. I submit daily, again and again in my mind.... And it calms my actions. He knows nothing of this. It is me taking responsibility for my own attitude.

Thank you all for your responses. I have learned a lot from reading your replies. I will use several of your responses and suggestions. I'm really glad I posted the question and that you all responded, Thank you again and if you can think of anything else please by all means post it or send me a message, cheers.

I don't think there's any such thing as topping from the bottom. There's dominating and there's not dominating. Submission is a choice that your wife may make, but it doesn't mean she's going to be successful at being submissive 100% of the time, and she's going to need you to be consistent and trustworthy. If you're having trouble with it all feeling overwhelming then just cut back.

Make one rule. It sounds like "No back talk" might be a good one. Whenever she back talks, make her regret it. Ignore her when she does, go to another room, do something to make her realize that it's not going to lead to either attention or fun time. At the same time, praise her and give her attention when she's been obedient. It doesn't have to be anything overtly sexual: nothing about having kids in the house stops you from giving her a squeeze and a smile, and whispering to her that you have noticed her being good. If you can get to a point of consistent punishment and reward with one behavior, I can pretty much guarantee that you'll see her behavior change. The second, third, and fourth rules will all be easier to enforce.

You and her should also really think about whether you really need "play time" in order to have a D/s dynamic. I would argue that kinky play (as wonderful as it is) is a separate thing. It can certainly be reinforcing and is great fun, but nothing about a vanilla life situation should stop her from being respectful and considerate of (and deferential to) you if that's what you both want from the relationship.

In the case of her needing attention, the best way is to be proactive yourself. I learned this after many years of doing it the hard way- ie. ignoring something until it got really annoying. It works for anyone, not just wives. I'd agree with the above advice on this. So when you know she might need attention because you have been busy, catch her doing something right- when she's making dinner, or working, brings you something, or just anything except poking at you to get your attention. At that point do something quick that she likes. Since I don't know her, I don't know what that would be- something you could whisper in her ear, or a quick touch that she likes. You'll have to come up with that part.

An example from my own life- I adore flogging etc. So one day he says to me "Hey, my bathroom is looking really good today- good job- I'm going to beat the shit out of you later for that". See that might not work for every woman but it was hugely motivating for me. Just pick something she likes. And make sure you follow through on threats as well as promises. I can't tell you how important that is.

LOL I love the bathroom example. I use similar promise/reward of violence when I'm happy. Of course I also use violence when I'm not happy. But it has a different character. :P

Well, I don't get to have the violence when he's not happy (anymore). He decided it was not going to work, or was not his thing, or whatever, but he has other punishments.

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Originally Posted by denuseri

[COLOR=#ff0000][SIZE=4][FONT=palatino linotype][I][B]There is also the option of simply informing her that acting up in the manner she has done is not acceptable and that if it continues she will find no response whatsoever until she decides to behave. IE no punishments, and especially no funnishments etc etc.

She is an adult and can choose to behave can she not?

A wise domme once told me that "topping from the bottom" is basically a bull shite excuse used by dominants who are not as dominant as they think they are. But one must also keep in mind it takes to at least two to tango in a D/s relationship. In other words it can't be a one sided exchange of power or intellect. She must choose too submit as much as you choose to dominate.

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I must agree with Denuseri 100%.

By this description she'll chase after you like a spoiled brat till you react. Sub craving can be very strong, but you are already doing what you can. Ds or bdsm is not about one party haressing the other. We have had posts here about how some Doms simply finally going completely off it all for good, for exactly such reasons: needy subs using their Doms basically as walking tools for gratification.

Maybe you should tell her submission is about serving and obeying and pleasing her D, and she is not doing that. Maybe you should tell her that YOU tell her when she can be allowed to please you, and that's that, and if she cannot understand that, she is simply neither mature enough nor worthy enough to be your sub. Maybe give her 2 weeks or a month with no action, and after that period You, and YOU alone, will decide if her behaviour has been good enough to merit a continuation of what you do.

Good luck, and if you wish, let us know how it goes.

Burddom, one more thought that may or may not be of use: it sounds, from the description, as if by trying to accomodate her needs you are in fact rewarding bad behaviour. Maybe you could consider to allow her to beg for it, rather than to nag, instructing her in exactly when and under what conditions that is allowed.

Failing to comply with your conditions would be an automatic No, following instructions would be a maybe - if she succeds in arousing your interest.

It's important to remember that even vanilla relationships struggle under your situation. Working and raising two kids, you are both of you basically doing two jobs. I'll bet money is tight too these days. Plenty of marriages fail under the load, so you're holding up well by most standards.

BDSM adds the stress of no privacy. Vanilla couples may be frustrated by having to hold down the noise when they fuck, but at least they can hug and kiss in front of the kids; your wife can't kneel to you on impulse, or you put her over your knee on the spot when she acts up. D/s relationships are often more intense than vanilla, so you miss that intensity more when it runs away into the sand of everyday problems

I'd agree with most of the suggestions so far, in particular the one about getting the kids to stay with friends or family so you can have some time just for yourselves to rediscover what you loved about each other at the start. But I'd add, don't be hard on yourself or her for having troubles. It's not just you.

Thank you all for the comments, suggestions and ideas. They have been hugely helpful. A lot of it in the end just has to deal with both of our mindsets. It is amazing how just reading some of your posts have helped to adjust my own and think about it in a different light. I agree 100% about the additional aspect of the lifestyle on a relationship. I've buckled down even more especially now that finals are over on recognizing and rewarding the good behavior and addressing the negative. We have only had 1 or 2 little things pop up but a stern look and a threat she wont get the kind of spanking she likes has fixed the attitude as soon as it starts.

I would just like to add that your situation seems to be, at it's center, an issue of balence. You are in a period of your life where you have a little too much going on. While there is no immediate fix or instant solution, you can certainly take the time to figure out how you got to this point. While everything you have going on is important, you have to ask yourself if it is worth it. If you are too busy to have sex, then you are too busy. Obviously, you have to earn a living, but what you describe isn't much different than someone who is working three full time jobs. Anyone who has ever experienced this will tell you that when you attempt to juggle that many balls, you will end up dropping quite a few, if not all of them. Asses your situation, decide what your priorities are, and make adjustments. It is possible to do everything you want, just realize that you don't have to do it all at once. Learn to say no, even to yourself. Being a provider, a father, a full time student, and tending to your responsibilites as a Dominant leaves little time for anything else. I found myself wondering if you have time to sleep. This might seem manageable for a semester or two, but it isn't something anyone can maintain for very long. You obviously are feeling the strain. Take that as a sign to dial things back a bit. When I was burning the candle at both ends, I ignored the signs and ended up losing almost everything. A life of imbalance will spiral out of control faster than you can imagine it would. Your plate appears to be full a few times over. As you clear it off, avoid the temptation to pile it back up. Get everything in balance, and you will be less stressed out, and that will in turn make you better at the things you value the most. You might even get laid more often. A reward in and of itself, that.

I wish you the best. Good luck, and Godspeed.