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Originally Posted by
Anita Blake
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What if my desire to go further, push harder, experience more extremes is actually a vertiginous desire to do something that may not be right for me - something that crosses the line? It's easy to see when you’re on a cliff top that jumping would cause you harm, perhaps even kill you, but it's not as easy to see when you're dealing with the mind, and the impacts that BDSM has on it.
As I have experienced matters, the only way to know is to try. You simply cannot think your way to what is good for you, and what not.
As Ozme said, with a good guide you can experiment and find out. Mind you, experimenting always has some risk, good guide or not, but with a good guide falling into something that isn't good is something you come back from, like with many other things in people's life.
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I keep feeling this way about control, and the relinquishing of it. The more I think about it, the more I try to hang onto some vestige of control. The more I am aware of this process, the more impossible it seems that I could ever completely let go. This seems like a ridiculous dilemma to be having for someone who identifies as sub (at least some of the time). The logical question to pose would be: if you don't want to submit, to give up control, then why don't you walk away? What are you doing here?
I think you are simplifying matters here. One can have a real craving to submit, and still have things from the past pulling in the other direction. I myself find trust real difficult. It has to be built up step by step.
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Why don't I just step away from the edge?
You sound a bit like you fear being swallowed up if you 'jump' - I bet it feels like that, but maybe you should try to dedramatize things a bit, make it purposely more like down to earth? It won't kill you.
Maybe consider that many things that are very frightening are not neccesarily therefore dangerous.
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The reason I keep dithering on the edge is because I feel a very strong pull in the other direction as well - I want to give up control completely. My desire for this rages within me. It still only takes a word from my Master to push me over into….... from a standing start, my pulse is racing, I'm pliable, filled with animal need. And that is beyond compelling. But I can't trust. I won't trust. I find myself faltering at the edge because I need something to hang onto, something to assure me that I can find my way back; something to assure me that I won't be lost. And it's blindingly terrifying. Why am I always terrified when I'm that aroused? Or am I that aroused because I'm terrified?
Speaking from my own experience: It feels terrifying and like loosing myself because I have had a very pressing need to be in control much of my life. It has been neccesary.
Now going into a situation where I give that up, all the old instincts which used to protect me, and which have not caught on to the fact that they are no longer neccesary ( being just instinct of habits, not conscious thought) scream and pull the alarms. Like going down in a roaller-coaster!
My own solution: doing things bit by bit. Learn trust.
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Perhaps the edge is the final destination? Perhaps all of this squirming is where I want to be.
Well, only you can know that :-)
But judging from your mail - perhaps not. Or not entirely.
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Does anyone else have this trouble?
Lots of people! :-)
