The implications of safewords..

We discussed this at a play party a little while back and i thought it was interesting to hear the different peoples take on using a safeword.

Safewords are in place to monitor the safety/mental health of the sub and the Dom/me during play. Many of the subs correlated using a safeword in a negative fashion and were hugely disappointed in themselves after the fact for having to safeword out. So many people are told " Here is your safeword, use it and all play stops, THE END, finished." In my opinion, safewords should not have a negative feeling to them. A sub should never feel disappointed and have residual effects days after having to use one for one reason or another but most do. Crying, subdrop, etc i have heard from many people happen for days after a safeword has been used just for the simple fact they questioned whether they were correct in using it at the time.

How do you regard a safeword?
How do you use a safeword, do you have different levels of safe wording out or does it mean, stop, finished, no more?
How have you felt after using your safword?
Do you let play go to far because you do not want to use the safeword givin to you because you see it as a bad thing?

I think it's important to have multiple levels of feedback as a dom, which is why I prefer to use the green, yellow, red system rather than a simple safeword. My pet and I, however, also add another word 'blue', which rather than being a simple 'stop' like red, means 'i need to stop temporarily, but would like to keep going when whatever issue that is troubling me has been sorted out', whether that's a cramp or whatever it may be.

It is important for responsible doms to constantly reinforce upon their sub that there is no shame, stigma or disappointment attached to using a safeword- rather the sub should be proud that they can honestly and quickly provide their dom with the information they need.

Agreed in concept, that there should not be a negative stigma with the use of a safeword. Agreed in concept that there are different situations, not all of which require a stoppage. How you accomplish all that can make the difference between a successful scene and an unsuccessful scene. Any use of a safeword is going to result in a conversation. Therefore, why presume that there needs to be different ones for different situations? In that I'm totally in disagreement with Wyl. It gives away control for one thing. I think that spoils scenes for many submissives... and certainly the dominants. Those who make using a safeword "The End" as noted above, probably say that for that reason.

To those ends, I use only a single word. "Mercy"

Mercy has context. Mercy begets her a whisper in her ear. "Why?" "Why do you need mercy?" If it's a major-rager, some kind of unexpected or unintended damage of course play stops. Some emotional barrier has been crossed, yes, the same. But if not, her comments guide my reactions. Too hard or too much or maybe just a pause is needed, or a change in position, well, those are my choices to make, how to proceed, whether or not to proceed or backtrack or change it up. And the uttering of the word keeps us both in the context of the scene. Control has not passed to the submissive. It remains in my hands.

In fact, to a great degree, no matter what happens next, it melds itself into and becomes part of the ongoing scene. The heat can continue.

And if the scene does indeed need to stop, it's not a "redlight", it's the dom showing mercy.

I always made it point to thank my sub afterwards for using a safe word. So she knew she had not done anything wrong and also understood I would be upset if she didn't use her safeword when needed.

I agree with Ozme52, only one word is needed. However just not the word "mercy" since that can be used as part of a scene.

@WyldWyl, what is the difference between yellow and blue then ? Forgive my ignorance but I thought yellow was a pause, to adjust for cramp or the like.

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Originally Posted by CuddleDom

I agree with Ozme52, only one word is needed. However just not the word "mercy" since that can be used as part of a scene.

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Well, any word can be used as part of a scene... Mercy works because it just isn't part of our daily vocabulary.
Most of the other words people "tend" to suggest are far more common. Even Family Guy's "Banana" is more likely to come up in our conversations.

No one has ever said to me "Is that a Mercy in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" ;)

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

Well, any word can be used as part of a scene... Mercy works because it just isn't part of our daily vocabulary.
Most of the other words people "tend" to suggest are far more common. Even Family Guy's "Banana" is more likely to come up in our conversations.

No one has ever said to me "Is that a Mercy in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" ;)

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LOL yes banana is one I have used. I agree any word that would not come up in daily or more specifically scene use. Also one that is easy to use. for instance "mayday" works for people of many languages and a sub/slave may revert to her native language hence my liking for that one.

I really enjoyed reading this thread. There are a lot of good points. I personally feel that saying the safe word is a disappointment to my Master. However, after many discussions I have been comforted in knowing that my Master wants only the best experience for the both of us. Meaning whether its a cramp or something more extreme, it is ok to say it.

@ Wizard... I like the idea of being asked for an explanation. I agree with you on only having one word. I feel like communication is key. And the thought of being asked for an explanation during play shows that the Master does care and is interested in what his/her sub has to say.

My apologies.... the last part was directed at Ozme. I read the wrong part :P

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Originally Posted by peach

1) How do you regard a safeword?
2) How do you use a safeword, do you have different levels of safe wording out or does it mean, stop, finished, no more?
3) How have you felt after using your safword?
4) Do you let play go to far because you do not want to use the safeword givin to you because you see it as a bad thing?

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1) I regard a safe word as a sensible tool, as long as, as a domme, you do not rely only on that. My thought is that if either the dom or the sub wants it, it should be there.

2) Have tried levels, but, as a sub, they did not work for me. It can be difficult enough to remember the concept of 'safeword' sometimes, much less levels.

3) Speaking as both dom and sub: absolutely ok. It is just a tool. If the power balance is as it should be (for whoever is doing it) there is not problem in a safeword.

4) It has happened, yes :-) But I learned.
For one thing, the energy and magic cannot but be at least partially destroyed, if one person is suddenly heavily distracted by something else.

Safe word or not:

Submissive’s often loose their heads during a session despite every desire they may have to stay focused; hence they do not always have the capacity to think clearly during play and safe word out at the right time.

A safe word or safe word system if you use one as a tool should never be a crutch for the dominant to shirk his responsibilities.

As the one in charge they are ultimately responsible for everything in their dominion.

A Master should adher Stricty to his sub/slaves safeword. If iot is not possible for the girl to say her safeword (she may be gagged, for example) The Diminant should m,ake sure beforhand that He/She understands by her motions that he should check on her at ALL times

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Originally Posted by scarlet_85

My apologies.... the last part was directed at Ozme. I read the wrong part :P

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No worries. I knew who you meant... but if you want to do a little penance, ask your master what you can do for me. WEG.

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Originally Posted by Kuskovian

Safe word or not:

Submissive’s often loose their heads during a session despite every desire they may have to stay focused; hence they do not always have the capacity to think clearly during play and safe word out at the right time.

A safe word or safe word system if you use one as a tool should never be a crutch for the dominant to shirk his responsibilities.

As the one in charge they are ultimately responsible for everything in their dominion.

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Kuskovian,

You and I are almost always in agreement. But I must ask... do you ever fly commercial airlines, let someone else drive, or let someone "decide" what you, as part of a group will do for entertainment. I certainly do... and upon occasion, I make the demand that my sub keep her head about her and provide me the service of being responsible for her own safety so that I might let loose and submerge myself (or is that "dommerge myself") in some or the rougher aspects of my kink. I certainly still maintain a level of self control... but not necessarily self restraint, (a subtle difference.)

In that way, I am the recipient of total sexual and emotional release, call it excess aggression burnoff. Because sometimes... it just has to be all about me.

For that, I trust her to go exactly as far as she can take, no further, and the safeword is the delimiter. AND, by doing so, we learned that we both could be more intense than either of us had previously thought. Quite educational.

Then Ozme52, this is where we disagree.

No matter what the excuse:

I do not like to F around when it comes to this nor do I recommend to anyone else that they make it a habit to shirk their responsibilities in this regard.

I have seen women get seriously hurt doing just what your suggesting.

The man who can’t or won’t control himself in the first place has no business in my book controlling others, period.

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

Kuskovian,

You and I are almost always in agreement. But I must ask... do you ever fly commercial airlines, let someone else drive, or let someone "decide" what you, as part of a group will do for entertainment. I certainly do... and upon occasion, I make the demand that my sub keep her head about her and provide me the service of being responsible for her own safety so that I might let loose and submerge myself (or is that "dommerge myself") in some or the rougher aspects of my kink. I certainly still maintain a level of self control... but not necessarily self restraint, (a subtle difference.)

In that way, I am the recipient of total sexual and emotional release, call it excess aggression burnoff. Because sometimes... it just has to be all about me.

For that, I trust her to go exactly as far as she can take, no further, and the safeword is the delimiter. AND, by doing so, we learned that we both could be more intense than either of us had previously thought. Quite educational.

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I think you are both of you right. Because I would bet that you do this with a sub you know well, can read accurately without having to think about it: so when you let yourself go and rely completely on the sub's safeword, at the same time you feel confident that if the worst came to the worst, if the sub was in deep trouble but too far out of it to speak... you would know.

Well I think they may both being thinking about different kinds of play too, like there is a big difference between a little rough sex where its not such a big deal if one lets loose a little and a hard core session of sadistic high intensity pain induction play while the submissive is suspended and driven into subspace.

Yes to all, and I was very specific about my choice of words when I said

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I certainly still maintain a level of self control... but not necessarily self restraint, (a subtle difference.)

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

No worries. I knew who you meant... but if you want to do a little penance, ask your master what you can do for me. WEG.

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Lol as He would say it:

Don't mess with the cherry tree :)

I hope you have a fabulous day, Ozme.

My lover/master and I use the traffic lights, in general. I know that, as a sub, I look at those words as both safety and a challenge: if I need them, they are there, but how far can I push myself before I use one? So far, I only used an out over something I could not control, like needing the bathroom--neither of us is into water/mud play.
As far as my l/m has expressed his feelings about them to me, well, when I told him that I held back using my yellow/red, he was almost angry. He wants me to have those words for my safety, and should not hesitate to use them.
I did, in a story I started writing, come up with some extra color words to give more detail: Blue means I need a drink, brown is for the bathroom, grey for a cigarette. In the story, I was topping him, and warning him it would be a long session, so he might need the others before we were done. It seems silly in light of this thread.
Hope this adds to the discussion.

I haven't used a safeword yet, but my master just recently said we should arrange one just in case. I've always just said what was bothering me. I was careful not to say stop or no when I didn't mean stop or no. We were both raised on and believe "no means no".