What would you do to a very delicate sub?
How can you find out what she wants?
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What would you do to a very delicate sub?
How can you find out what she wants?
uhm, ask her..?!
That's one excellent question.Quote:
Orgasm_Man: "What would you do to a very delicate sub?
How can you find out what she wants? "
I been there with one partner, you ask and all replies was of the type 'what master wants'. And she did give extremely little input even in play, by just going limp whatever happened to her.
For me this turned into a crash course of learning to read her quite personal way of facial expressions when in play.
Yet more basic matters we found another approach, she's younger than me and the idea of cybering was a natural means of communication for her.
So we ended up with a sort of face to face and voice 'cybering'. I gave the input by desscribing a certain situation and she replied by giving the outcome: and I know it sound silly but it worked for us. :)
(Later on when she felt safe she went on to suggest some really outlandish things, which I ofc knew wasn't meant to be realized but was a really good mindfuck anyhow.)
So there's some pointers, but if everything fails in communication, send her the BDSM checklist and have her fill it in. You'd get some pointers from that one at least.
Lol, yeah. Like with everything else, talk and talk, and then more talk and openness and discussions with what she likes and you like. What her kinks/desires are.
Openness is the key to any relationship aswell as one with a BDSM touch. Perhaps even more so since the sub has to relay that much more on his/her Dominant.
[ Tjabba Logic & gott nött år. =) ]Quote:
Originally Posted by Logic1
Back to english now:
Yes you are absolutely right that communication is essential in this kind of relationship.
Now what do you do when the communication doesn't work?
I think thats the reason for the OP to post the question.
Let me give another example and you might see how this could happen.
My first girlfriend she was partly into bondage and partly into kidnap and rape scenarios.
Now that might sound all fine, but the problem is that when she was out of her role, she was a "nice girl" that absolutely refused to discuss such matters.
Yes she even was unable to talk about sex! Flat no-way-shake-the-head-talk-to-the-hand-refusal.
Then when in submissive mode she let absolutely everything go, and always took the backseat and me as the driver up front.
But when she slipped out of her submissiveness, she could go completely ballistic on what had happened to her if something had gone not to her expectaion - I was supposed to be psychic I guess. :confused:
And then she was back in her incommunicado ways of anything about sex.
(It might not be a surprise that she also holds the record for the gal I broken up with most times, that if I combine all the others together she's still on top)
So as you see, there are situations where you simply cant talk, due to personality and well not a flattering example for myself yet a true one.
Then last one extreme example, and one person I havent been involved with but who I happen to have met since she keep in touch with some of my BDSM friends.
This girl is living a bit north of you Logic and you can certainly say she's into BDSM for not quite the right reasons.
Yet it seem that's the only way she can get to experience certain things that is locked out from her mind on other times, she's autistic. And so I guess she on the surface might behave the way a Master would expect in play by not meeting his eyes etc. But due to her sickness, she wont either communicate her needs.
Now she had found a partner to live with, and after I met them I happened to mention that fact to my ex slavegirl. ....And I told her I never met any couple that were running such an obvious risk of killing each other than these two.
So communication is essential, but not always easy, sometimes impossible. If the latter is the case, let the common sense guide. All I can say.
Happy new year!
i interpret "delicate" as meaning she has difficulties with communication (shy?), and perhaps has some hang-ups that need consideration.
this is an interesting question for me - i find it very difficult to communicate what i like, even so far as blushing when i merely think about some things. i think a gradual build-up of trust is vital, by establishing a habit of openness; it's useful to include lots of talk about regular, everyday stuff, as this is non-threatening. in fact initially i would stay mainly with this ordinary stuff, become friends, and invest plenty of time before progressing to fantasy and desires. and of course, as Aibo says, adapt the method of communicating to suit her comfort, before gradually expanding... you are building from the ground up and shouldn't rush !
i guess security is an important topic for most "delicate" subs. she needs to feel very, very, secure to open up to you. let alone to address any hang-ups she may have. this means demonstrating honesty, openness, integrity and caring...
just my humble point of view :)
I totally agree that you need to find a way to communicate that is comfortable for her. Journaling? Email? A chat program? You could describe a scene to her and give her a checklist, like the bdsm checklist but more specific to the scene, and get very short responses. Eventually, maybe she could be persuaded to share a fantasy of hers, with the understanding that it is a fantasy and that no one is planning to enact it. Whatever it is, praise her and be positive that it's a really great one. I will tell you from personal experience, nothing makes you feel worse than sharing a fantasy and getting a tepid response. Also, praise her after a scene. Let her know that you know it's hard for her and you love how well she's doing.
One final thought - give her two words, one that means I like this I want more, and one that means back off. Tell her she has to use each of them at least once in a scene. Praise her. Good luck.
perhaps delicate might mean emotionally fragile? a person who has experienced a lot of trauma in their lives doesn't necesarily respond to stimuli the same as someone who hasn't, and doesn't respond the same every time.
sometimes you can't know what will set them off till you hit that limit, and sometimes all the talk in the world won't find the boundaries before you cross them.
in my experience just experiment slowly. slowly push your (both of your) boundaries and be prepared to spend a lot of time comforting her when sh*t doesn't go as planned:)
it's worth the investment in time i think.
Thank you Aibo,Logic,angela,rachel,Matin.
I really appreciate your advice guys.
But the main problem is that she is totally inexperienced and wants to try out her limits.I am worried that I might push her over the limits..
I have asked her to read stories so that she get to know the lifestyle and find out what excites her.
There are two conflicting concepts here.Quote:
Originally Posted by Orgasm_Man
"...she is totally inexperienced..." and "...wants to try out her limits."
There is soooooo much that won't come near her limits that she needs to do before pushing against those limits. A brand-new submissive is often in a hurry - she wants to experience everything her imagination can come up with, all those scenes she's read in books and stories...but I truly believe she should be forced to slow down. Yes, by her Dom. It is your responsibility to set the pace, to 'make' her take it slower. Discovering one's submissive self is a process. One that needs to be respected and not rushed. You'll have a better submissive for it in the long run - one who trusts deeper and will go farther than she can even conceive of right now.
I know this because that's what my Owner did with me - and according to Him, I am His IPS*.
*Indispensably Perfect Submissive ;)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Orgasm_Man
A-hah! Yes been there, she was also delicate, somewhat neurotic. Even though I knew she might rush off to someone that might jump in straight, I would not get into a heavy session with a newbie rightoff.
(As it happens this is the same girl you see, er well smeared the face yet is on my avatar image.)
Instead I took her to restaurants, sightseeing places and started to build up a relationship and mutual understanding for each other. Yes she pushed and hinted, and here angela_shy described most of how I did .
In the end it took about ½ year until we did get to do what she originally had suggested.
BDSM takes time, there is no such thing as a quickie here.
Happy new year again - im off for the new years party in a few now. :)
I agree with the other posters--communicate, communicate, communicate. Find a way that works for you both through trial and error. One way, that has helped me with those new to the lifestyle is giving her a choice that she has to make to continue. Reward her each and every time she tells you what she wants--even if you might not like it.
Also, use a hard/soft limit questionaire to find out some of her fantasies and to figure out where to go next. There are few available online and one here: Hard limit questionaire
It sounds like she needs to feel safe before she will be able to take ownership of her desires. Provide her that safety and you'll have her heart, mind and soul.