How Has Experience Changed You?
We were all there once....naive, impressionable, wide-eyed and somewhat innocent. My views of BDSM and the people involved in it have changed considerably over the years, not always for the best. I'm curious as to how others' views have changed for either better or worse since getting involved. Here are some of the things I've learned.
1. I don't like the pervasive idea that there are no set definitions for BDSM terms. I believe that there are, indeed, set definitions which are necessary for clear communication, and people should learn them instead of just making things up to suit themselves.
2. I used to believe that the leather community was different because they were more accepting, more polite, more trustworthy, had more honor, etc. The fact of the matter is that kinksters are no different than the rest of so-called civilized society, meaning they are just as closed-minded, rude, ignorant, untrustworthy, and dishonorable.
3. I used to think there were histories and traditions that brought the community together into some semblance of order, but I haven't actually met anyone who upholds any such beliefs as you might hear regarding Old Guard, Old School, etc. I have heard it said often that there is no "right" way to do it....but there sure as hell are a whole lotta wrong ways IMO.
4. I used to think that all I needed was a partner into BDSM, and things would be great....until it wasn't so great. It's more work than a normal relationship ever had time to be.
5. I used to believe in submissives receiving collars, but now I don't so much anymore. They have somewhat lost their meaning and therefore their appeal. I believe in the 3-collar system: blue consideration, red or black training, and metal slave.....without the convenient velcro fasteners.
6. I believe The Next Generation with all their new age talk of things meaning what you want them to mean is unwittingly going to cause the downfall of the leather community. If things have no meaning, there can be no proper respect.....a master who has, in actuality, mastered nothing and has nothing to prove deserves none.
7. When I started out, I thought I could never be a slave. I now see that it is my ultimate goal....to trust my partner implicitly and to be as transparent as glass to him.
8. I am not dominant. I'm just a force to be reckoned with.
9. I used to question my submissiveness....along with everyone else. I am submissive whether you believe it or not.
10. Topping is fun....but being a dominatrix is really just another way to be a sex object for men and to serve their needs. In this way, I learned that it is more about serving than getting your own needs met, so the phrase "submission is a gift" tends to be like nails on a blackboard for me. Try being a bit more humble and grateful for what you have received, even if you think you deserve it.
BDSM is Diverse--Like or Not
BDSM when small had a core set of identifiable members and communities. With the intersection of the Leather and Swinging communities and the sexual revolution came diversity. With diversity, terms have become ill defined and needs and practices are more varied. Many yearn for the "good old days."
Yet, the "good old days" were never as good as once believe. As you noted, the characteristics of Leather are mythologized and a notable few really were as portrayed in the myth. The problem is also with each of us. We or our partner change--for better or worse. So, a situation that once was great is not longer so great. We adjust but it is not the same. That great position now gives me a back ache every time! So, nostalgia is good IF only we don't go back to the way we were.
So, like our American society there are a lot of things wrong with the new BDSM. Yet, there are a lot of thing right with it. It is more inclusive, less intolerant and more diverse. For better or worse it is the BDSM we got. We just need to the best we can and keep our guard a little higher than we used to.
