Finding a True Submissive - How hard can it be?

I would be very grateful if any members of a 24/7 couple could answer a question that has intrigued me for quite a while, I guess this is based more towards Doms but I would love responses from either side.

I was wondering how long did it take you to find someone who was interested in actually living the submissive life as an actual lifestyle choice, and not just dabbling or being submissive in scene.

I am 29 and have been looking most my adult life for a lifestyle submissive (are there actual terms for this?) but have only managed to find either tourists, scene submissives or someone who decides that they liked being submissive but only in the sexual arena (into bondage etc but not in true submission).

I would especially like to hear from any Australians out there as I don't know if I am doing anything wrong but in the little part of the world where I live the BDSM community seems to have gone into hiding (or it is extremely elitist and only allows membership for couples :mad: ).

Jason

I can't help with the first part of you query, being what you call a "scene submissive" ;)

As far as the local scene goes....aside from Club Libertine (which I've never been to, and seems to accomadate couples more so than people who are not already coupled) the scene appears well hidden.

Don't give up though, keep looking, your ideal sub has to be out there somewhere :)

Hi albear

It's great to know there is someone else around my neck of the woods who isn't hiding. Club Libertine actually say they ONLY accomodate couples and if you contact them they say that is non-negotiable. They seem to be pretty insular and not overly friendly to those who don't fit their criteria.

And the Hellfire Club seems to have disappeared as well :confused:

I have had a lot of fun and learned a lot about myself and the BDSM lifestyle with girls who were into being submissive but not actually submissive but with any relationship that can only go so far if one person wants something so very different from the other.

I'll never give up the search because I know they are out there from the wonderful success stories I have heard of on this group and elsewhere. It leads rather neatly onto another topic I wanted to raise about the ratios of Doms to subs but I'll start that up elsewhere.

Jason

It sounds like you are having difficulty finding your match. I am going to go out on a limb here and suggest that whether or not a lady is a "true" submissive is not measured by how they translate their BDSM into their life. If you are using the terms, "true submissive" when you seek out someone, you are going to put them off and not get anywhere.

You may also find that someone, a novice, in particular, who says they only want BDSM in the bedroom will go further than that with growth. As the relationship develops and love enters into it, you may find that they will do anything for you, in the bedroom and out.

I believe that a BDSM relationship is a relationship first. Find someone with common interests, someone who's time you enjoy sharing and move from there.

Further, at 39 yrs of age, I finally found my true match and found it when and where I least expected it.

Best wishes,
Val

Valkryie I only used "true submissive" as a way to explain really what I was looking for. I have known girls who were submissive, and they would do what you told them to every time, but only during sex or BDSM scenes and in general day to day living they would be as controlling as the next girl (sorry if that sounds sexist). Those I termed "scene submissives". Just some terms I came up with to write the post to try and explain my feelings.

I know that novices can blossom over time and this was one of my experiences. However she blossomed into a true painslut, so I at least furthered her self-knowledge there, but was still no more submissive outside of scenes. So what do you call them: semi-submissives/part-time submissives? I really don't know.

I guess part of the frustration comes from there being no clubs or public outlets where people can get together and meet. Where I am it seems totally random. The process would be:

First I have to meet a girl.
Then that girl has to be at least somewhat interested in BDSM.
Then she has to be a willing submissive, not just a tourist.
Then she has to be truly submissive.
Also she has to share my interests.

I don't want a sub just because she is submissive. I have to actually like her as a person as well. I'm not looking for a simple sexual slave but someone to share my life, outisde BDSM as well.

So the odds get smaller and smaller the further down the list you go. Does this all sound whiney? I hope not as it's not intended that way.

"I believe that a BDSM relationship is a relationship first. Find someone with common interests, someone who's time you enjoy sharing and move from there."

I've also done that and you would be surprised, or maybe not, how many people actually find BDSM either disturbing or sick :eek: . I've tried having girlfriends who have stated they have no interest in even trying anything remotely BDSM related but it's just like living a lie. I have feelings for them but feel it's not fair to them or myself to continue into a deeper relationship when my heart's desire is elsewhere.

I am still pretty much open to all possibilities. I have not closed myself off to everything but the perfect submissive.

So to bring it back on track, hopefully, how long did it take everyone to find their partner? Were you looking for a long time or did they just drop from the sky?

Jason

.... that you put too much emphasis on the submissive nature of the partner in life you are looking for. Not that I would not agree that it is a pre-requisite for who you are looking for. It just narrows down the "choices" available to you too much at the outset, thereby automatically excluding those who may not be aware of their underlying submissive nature, predilection, whatever.

So, my advice - for what it's worth - would be: seek out prospective partners by being more broad in terms of what you expect, e.g. rather than saying she has to be submissive, try willing to experiment sexually.

Maybe I am reading you completely wrong, but that is what came to my mind.

SMartie

PS. By the way, best of luck in your search

Ah, Sugeneg, I feel for you in your search, as I AM that submissive, but had been unable all my life to find the "true" Dom! :rolleyes:
As far as that "settling" theme the others sort of mentioned, in order to at least get something started, and build from there, it's what happened to me.
I married a man 6 years ago, (who I thought had potential!), but wasn't comfortable? confident? ready? to divulge my true intent until a few months ago. Granted it's not perfect between us, but we are learning together, and growing together in BDSM, and eventually, I'm confident we can built it into whatever we desire over time. :D

The point is, this kind of relationship seems to be one that grows into what you want, but you need to feel out a few "potentials" first.

Keep trying, dude, it's out there!!!!

First off, be careful of looking for a "true" submissive. You're likely to get charged by the hour.

The term "tue" is a bit misleading in BDSM, since even the oldest and boldest of us are still learning what it is we're doing. However, the learning is the fun part.


For me, I started reading about BDSM many years ago, but never really had a real BDSM relationship until I met my current wife and submissive. My relationships to that point had BDSM elements, but they were more like experiments to see what worked for me. Once I knew what I was looking for, it didn't take too long to find someone that was willing to play along with me and learn from me.

The ride since then has been an interesting one, but we're still together and still learning.


From the time I met my submissive in a chat room to the time she showed up on my doorstep was about seven months. We spent a long time online getting to know one another before we decided to make the move to real life. We wanted to be sure that we knew what we were getting ourselves into before we made that move.

And don't think that things like geography and culture should keep you apart. At the time I met my submissive I was living in Texas and she was in Alberta, Canada. We were seperated by an international border and 2000 miles, but we're still making it work for us.

So, hang in there, kick back, meet some people and get to know the people around you. You never know which of them might be the one you've always been looking for.

Thanks for the input everyone. A lot of what everyone has said really does apply to me. I am not ruling out anyone, even someone who has no interest in BDSM. If I am attracted to someone and like them as a person I won't just push them to one side saying not a submissive, so no good to me.

I was just wondering if others out there had gone through the same process and eventually found the submissive that really suited them.

Maybe I am after too much, who isn't? But we can always still have our ideal partner somewhere to aspire for. It just seems that the odds become a little more stacked against someone with more specific lifestyle choices.

Maybe I should not use the word true. I really have no idea to explain what I mean though. How about lifestyle submissive, 24/7 submissive? Really just meaning someone who is submissive, not just playing submissive, trying out some roleplay to have some fun. Should I simply say submissive and leave it at that?

The search continues...

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Originally Posted by sugeneg

So to bring it back on track, hopefully, how long did it take everyone to find their partner? Were you looking for a long time or did they just drop from the sky?

Jason

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Thank you, Jason for explaining your choice of terms. Too often I have seen battle lines drawn concerning who is "real" and who is not. :)

It took me three years to find my partner.
I had been looking for a Dominant for part of that time and not searching for anything more than companionship for part of that time.

My sub fell into my lap, all vanilla coated.
We cliqued almost immediately and before too long, his fantasies started to reveal themselves to me. I had been topping women for a while and we decided we could experiment with some activities. Then, this turned into that and I realized why I could never find the Dominant I wanted. I was a Dominant in submissive clothing and finally found not only my partner, but peace.

Prior to these three years, I was involved throughout my adult life with a man who not only was vanilla, but was uncaring, ego centric and controlling, bordering on abusive. To that end, I must say, I have searched my sub for all my life and happy to have found him.

I, too, live an area devoid of any BDSM social scene. We are trying to create more of a scene now, but there are political obstacles. However, I can empathize with your frustration on many levels.

I am curious though. There is a thread on another forum I frequent wherein and aussie is expressing the same concerns. What is it with the land down under? Are they conservative or hiding?

Take care and best wishes,

Valkyrie :)

I have no idea what it is about us Aussies. We do seem to be in hiding. In Brisbane there are no BDSM clubs to go to, so you can at least get a head-start in knowing that the people you meet share similar interests.

There is one organisation that I have mentioned before that simply does not allow anyone other than couples to attend their playnights, which is fair enough, but not even to attend their meetings or correspond with their members in any way. I was told quite flatly that I was not welcome until I was part of a committed couple. Needless to say when that happy day does arrive I shall not be contacting them again as this type of narrow-minded people hold no interest for me.

I am sure if someone had the gumption and money to actually start up a regular fetish club it would be quite popular. We used to have a hellfire club that occurred once a month but that has not been heard from for a long time. When it was running it was great, always lots of people there, a lot of tourists but they all had fun and maybe some of them saw something they had never thought of trying before.

I am so happy that you have found your sub Valkyrie. I love to hear these success stories.

Jason

Hey ... just thought I'd add a few words of encouragement. I found my Master, after several boyfriends who only wanted submission in the bedroom, in a totally unexpected venue (a local games/hobby shop in my oh-so-small town). I don't think there's any specific formula for finding the right one, but just know there's always hope and it can happen in the weirdest places.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sugeneg

Thanks for the input everyone. A lot of what everyone has said really does apply to me. I am not ruling out anyone, even someone who has no interest in BDSM. If I am attracted to someone and like them as a person I won't just push them to one side saying not a submissive, so no good to me.

Maybe I should not use the word true. I really have no idea to explain what I mean though. How about lifestyle submissive, 24/7 submissive? Really just meaning someone who is submissive, not just playing submissive, trying out some roleplay to have some fun. Should I simply say submissive and leave it at that?

The search continues...

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Hi All,

I am entering into this thread a bit late, but I wondered if it might help to have the opinions/experiences of someone who might be considered to be a 'true' submissive - i.e. me!

When I met my first 'owner', I was 17 and knew that I had a masochistic streak and that I preferred rather older and very much more powerful men. But I had no idea that I was a submissive nor that BDSM would figure in my life. Equally he had no idea of what sort of person I was when we first met although it didn't take him long to guess. For some time we were just boyfriend and girlfriend but things developed and, as they say, the rest is history.

Since we parted when I was 20, a friendly but sad parting of the ways, I have only had one person in my life, my current owner who was an experienced Dominant and knew exactly what sort of person I was from the word go. Over three and a half years later, I still adore him and worship the ground he walks on - if that sounds corny and over the top, so be it; it is how I view him and I consider myself SO lucky to be his submissive.

So that's my D/s history and from it emerges my belief that 'finding' a subbie is purely a matter of chance, aided by good insight into the female psyche plus patience and tact. Most subs who enter into the BDSM world haven't a clue of what they are initially; that knowledge gradually emerges with the help of a boyfriend who is a natural Dom and who doesn't want to go from vanilla snogging to BIG TIME BDSM in one night.

As for 'the scene', I have never felt any inclination to join it and my closest subbie friend feels the same way. We are both happy with our masters/owners and don't feel the need to exhibit our private world to others in such a way. So I can't pass judgement on clubs etc., as I have very very little experience of them. Chacun a son gout. If it's your bag enjoy it, but it's not for me (with my owner agreement, naturally! LOL).

I know that what I have said won't provide the key to finding a subbie, but I think we are a species who need nurturing individually by dominant males (or female), and we're not something that can be found on supermarket shelves. Happenstance and good judgement (on the Dom's part) will play a part in any link up and the formation of a great D/s partnership. But Hey! isn't that just the same as any long lasting relationship - "From small acorns great oak trees grow.............."

Good luck and good hunting; I am sure the perfect girl for you is out there somewhere - it's just a matter of not getting discouraged, and being patient and not rushing things when you do think she has sailed over the horizon.

Love, Jane.

PS. Please excuse the sometimes inappropriate metaphors...........

Thank you Jane. I love to hear stories with happy endings. I have met someone now, sounds quick doesn't it, but I have no idea how close she is to what I want. As so many people have said you have to wait and see and nurture the person because you never know what hidden depths they may have. Not everyone who is submissive has recognised that fact and just need the right person to draw it out.

So the search is on hiatus for a little bit to see if it canbe put to rest or not. Here's hoping.

Jason

Hmmm

maybe I get the wrong perception, but it kinda sounds to be a bad thing to be just a "bedroomdom/sub".
But I mean that what you might call a "true" submissive or because that term was matter of discussion before just a submissive who is willing to completely submit herself to her Dom - anyway just for me that seems such an incredible imense thing to give up.

As me for an example (and really I have no idea where this is going to lead since I am quite young and also very inexperienced) I am quite proud about the stuff I accomplish outside the bedroom, that I'm inteligent and will study and have a good payed fullfilling job. Or that I have an opinion that I would never let anyone forbid me.

Is that a lack of commitment?

*lol* am I rambling?

Or maybe I just get that term wrong, but what that term implies for me is a house-slave *lol* and not in the erotic kind of way, but the historic kind. Someone to do the chores, doesn't contradict or speak up and be there for the man's every wish.
I can imagine that that is hard to find...

sorry if there was any offence in this...

Laila

Laila,

I don't think it was meant as a bad thing to be what was called a "scene submissive" just that it wasn't what Sugeneg was looking for himself. Personally I think it's just a matter of a person's nature, not everyone wants or feels the need to submit so totally on a full time basis...some do.

But those are just my random thoughts. :)

Jen

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Laila

I am quite proud about the stuff I accomplish outside the bedroom, that I'm inteligent and will study and have a good payed fullfilling job. Or that I have an opinion that I would never let anyone forbid me.

Is that a lack of commitment?

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Who ever said you can't be a submissive and have a career? I know plenty of people that do both, and they are more than just submissive in the bedroom, too.

Who said you are not allowed an opinion? Some of the submissive I know are very opinionated, sometimes to the point of insolence. ;) Submissive does not mean doormat. Anyone can be submissive and still have a life outside of their DS commitment. Anyone that tells you otherwise doesn't know what they're talking about.

And no, it's not a lack of commitment. You can commit yourself to whatever you feel the most comfortable. If you just want to be a bedroom submissive, then fine, there are plenty of people that only look for that sort of thing. If you want to give everything up and become an owned object, then you can do that, too, and there will be a person for you. The same applies for any level in-between as well. You have to consent to the rules and you are in a relationship; whether there's a BDSM twist to it or not, what you will have when you find what works for you is a relationship.

Jason,

I'm not in a 24/7 relationship, but I am a submissive, single, I'm in 40s (might be one drawback for some men), not bad looking, and I can tell you this, I've been interested in living a submissive lifestyle 24/7 but it's very hard for me to find the right person also. I won't hesitate to tell you there have been, are presently, and will be plenty of Doms and Masters who say they are more interested, but when a man is hasty about saying I'm the sub he wants, that's a signal to me that he's NOT the Dom I want.

If a man doesn't take the time to get to know me, and allow me to know him, both of us would be doing the other an injustice to jump into something as serious as a D/s relationship 24/7.

In my opinion, which is all that matters to me because it's ABOUT me, a true submissive gives her whole heart to her Dom. I'm smart enough to know that the depth of pain would be equal to the willingness I give myself to a man, which means I could be very hurt emotionally.

Also, I care enough about the feelings and lives of other people not to commit myself to a man just to turn around and leave him.

I'm willing to wait for the right Dom and not have one at all, than to risk hurting someone else or be used simply and only for the pleasure of a man, just so I can be a D/s relationship 24/7.

But, of course, this is the way I feel about it. I'm an all-or-nothing woman. Some women are not and are willing to take the risk.

I may be more willing to do take that risk if I didn't care about the feelings of another person (my Dom) or if I had not been in an abusive relationship for 20 years already.

Obviously, I'm looking for freedom. Not confirmation that I was the worthless person my xh tried to convince me I was. I know better now, and I won't allow anyone or anything to change that.

With love and sincerity,
tyme

Quote:

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Originally Posted by BDSM_Tourguide

And no, it's not a lack of commitment. You can commit yourself to whatever you feel the most comfortable. If you just want to be a bedroom submissive, then fine, there are plenty of people that only look for that sort of thing. If you want to give everything up and become an owned object, then you can do that, too, and there will be a person for you. The same applies for any level in-between as well. You have to consent to the rules and you are in a relationship; whether there's a BDSM twist to it or not, what you will have when you find what works for you is a relationship.

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Firstly, thank you for your answer!

And yes, that's my perception of it too. But I have heard quite some people talking of it that way and read quite some stories that interpretet it that way. That kinda scared me :)
As does quite a lot, since I'm a chicken ;)

thanks,

Laila

At the risk of sounding a little bitchy here, I'd like to add that much has been said about the usage of your term "true" submissive, so much so that I hope you didn't miss the answer to your question, which was "how long"? Because I do believe many areas were discussed regarding D/s and very interesting to me, since I'm still very curious about much of this, but I also believe your question was answered, maybe not simplisticly, but answered nevertheless.

I think "how long" depends on you Jason and how flexible you are. If you're stalwart in your desires for what you want, it may take you a long time.

If you're very flexible, hell, you may find her tomorrow.

I know I'm in for a long haul because I'm looking for something very particular. You, on the other hand, may not be.

I'd also like to mention how much I've enjoyed reading these replies. So many peeps with so much information and so many different desires and interests -- this has been a fascinating thread.

Thanks especially to all of you who have experienced the lifestyle.

love,
tyme

I am pretty sure that I am in for the "long haul" as well tyme. I have had girls before who are can act very submissive and immerse themselves in it for sexual purposes (ie. enjoy bondage and the submissive aspects of it) but then are not submissive in any way outside of the bedroom, or only on weekends. Of course this isn't a negative thing. It's just not what I am looking for. I am pretty particular in what I want and really my intial inquiry was caused by the fact that these kinds of submissives are the only ones I seem to be able to meet. I wanted to know, and hear, of first hand experience, of people finding a 24/7 partner whether they be dom or sub.

I most definitely want a sub who is intelligent and who has opinions of her own (the "i don't know, whatever you want" response gets very old very quickly) and my aspiration for her will be for her to be the best that she can be at everything she does. I would never forbid my sub a career or education or anything that would help her better herself, I would actually do the opposite and encourage that.

I know there are some people out there who enjoy degradation, both in giving and receiving, but it is something that I really find a bit odd in a relationship. I would treasure my sub and lavish attention and affection on her. I take extremely good care of all my possessions and she would be the most valuable of all.

I am also not a person who will rush into anything, and want to get to know my submissive as a person first. After all why would I want to spend so much time with someone I wasn't particularly interested in as a person, no matter how submissive they are. I don't quite understand why some people expect you to be dominant from first contact (or submissive for that matter - when I meet someone for the first time being called Sir is, for me, quite out of place). At that point we are simply two people, not Dom and sub. That part of the relationship will come later. It is the same for some submissives I ahve spoken to who have experiences where they meet a Dom who believes he has total control from the moment he sets eyes on them. If someone can understand that could they please explain it to me.

This is beginning to sound a bit like a personal but I guess I am just trying to explain why I started this thread and am grateful for the response, both from those successful in their search and from those like me who are still searching.

Jason

Sounds like you've got a very sensible and balanced view of what kind of relationship you want. It's good to hear you're not rushing into anything. Best of luck, she's out there somewhere! ;)

My Master would tell you 35 years. He is 37 now. We have been together for almost two years. It took me a little longer but then I am also older than he is. LOL And, I spent many a day and night with "weekend" Doms.