What about size?

I'm having a little problem with a personal issue that is really starting to affect my ability to submit properly, and is also affecting my sexual enjoyment. My size. I'm not a very tall girl, only about 5' 1".. I am very well proportioned. but, I'm definately overweight. I've done real well, and have lost about 50 pounds in the last 15 months.. but, I'll be honest, I need to lose about 50 more.

I do yoga, LOTS of yoga, actually,. I also walk 5 times a week, and swim laps. So, I'm not "blubbery"... I'm very toned, but, I'm about a size 14. And on my height, that's still pretty big.

I know several months ago, there was a nasty thread about women who are into BDSM being big. And, I probably shouldn't have read it, but, I did. And, I can't say that it began my insecurity.. but, it certainly added to it.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I since I don't feel good about my size, I find myself very reluctant to get into certain positions. or to try certain things because I'm afraid I will "gross out" my lover. (I'm married.. my husband has never been able to perform, so I've taken a lover who is very into the dom/sub thing)

So, I guess I'm looking for a little objectivity. You Male Doms out there, what do you think about a girl who is carrying around extra weight? If you have a larger lover, do you ever get grossed out by her body? or is that just something us women think up in our minds? And for you Female Subs out there that are heavier like I am... how do you get past those inhibitions so you can just enjoy, and obey?

I may be a sub but i have some adivce for you. Confidence is very atractive to us men. Your lover obvisouly does not find you unattarctive or he would not be your lover right? So i suggest contiinuie to fight with your weight and stop worrying about when it comes to your lover.


I should add that i to fight this battle constanly i am 6'2 320 pounds and it can be hard to be confident. However i find that when i am things are much easier then when i worry about it.

people like WhipIt that post comments or start threads like that should be taken as idiots and disregarded. I'm very sorry his hurtful, baseless comments affected your confidence. It shouldn't have.

Many people are overweight, what separates you from the rest of them is you fully acknowledge it and have for the last 15 months done proactive things to change the situation. You need to focus on the good, not the negative. After I broke my back over the summer I became very depressed and started eating and drinking a lot more. I became over weight due to the inactivity while recovering. At my worst, I was 220 pounds and 6 feet tall (it wasn't muscle pounds, trust me). Now, after 4 months of a very steady diet and 1 1/2 hours of exercise each day I weigh 185 and am in the best shape of my life.

None of that could have happened if I didn't make the choice to do something proactive about it. You have made that choice, stick to it and you will get the results you want. Your lover/husband probably sees your progress and is proud of your dedication and accomplishments, not "disgusted" by your body.

90% of the problem is admitting you have a problem and actively making a decision to do something about it. Once you get into a habit of working out and eating right, it becomes no problem at all to stick with it. People like WhipIt who make hurtful comments should just fuel you to not stray from your goal, not bring you down.

So, I'll end this post by applauding your conviction and achievement of getting half way to your goal. Keep it up! You know you can do it.

scarletakb you sound like you are on the right track.

I substitute teach yoga at the health club I belong to and I can't say enough about its' benefits. The fact you are into it is a good thing, especially combined with your other activities.

The fact you are aware you are overweight and pursuing a more healthy lifestyle puts you ahead of the game by far, couple this with the fact that your lover is obviously attracted to you as you are makes your situation seem pretty good.

My advice is to not worry about what anyone else but your lover thinks, since he seems happy with you to hell with what some twit says in a deliberately hateful post.

Talk to your lover about any body image issues you have and see what input he has- he obviously saw something he likes :)

I'm neither male nor dominant (sexually, anyway) but I've been through what you're going through. When I decided to enlist, I had to lose fifty pounds to meet my weight requirement. It took a year of working out (two hours a day, five-six days a week) and a diet to lose it. And I tried all the diets, including the cabbage soup diet, which kind of worked. Kind of meaning that I got sick as a dog and lost five pounds that way.

It's hard for men to understand what it's like for a woman, being overweight. You look in the mirror every day and hate what you see. You're uncomfortable, and your self-esteem takes a nosedive. You don't consider yourself attractive enough for anyone's interest. And it's harder for women to lose that weight; our metabolisms are generally slower, and we have more body fat to begin with. The best advice I could give you is to stick with it, and RUN. Running burns off more calories than just about any other exercise. At my best, I was running 15-18, sometimes 20 miles a week. It took a long time to work up to that, though. When I first started, I was running two miles in 40 minutes. There were the shin splints, and the self-consciousness every time I walked onto the track at the gym. It's HARD. One of the hardest things I've ever done, including basic training.

I feel your pain. But from a different angle, losing the weight didn't make me that much happier. Oh, I was proud of it; proud of every new muscle that appeared, proud that I could see my collarbones again, and that my cheekbones sharpened. I LOVED being able to find stylish jeans again. (They just do not make them for anyone above a size 10. God, I hated clothes shopping.) But with all that, you have to be happy and confidant with who you are, not what you look like. Trite, but true. Good luck.

Morrighan

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It's hard for men to understand what it's like for a woman, being overweight.

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ahem



i think your not giving us men enough credit


i konw for me i do understand that sturggle all to well.


corse i have four sisters and was rasied by my mother as a single parent

I would have to agree with what has been said before. Your lover would not be there if they did not find you attractive and wish to be there. The more posts I read at this site the more I see that we all seem to have a few things in common, foremost of which is that we are in our relationships sincerely and honestly because we wish to be there. We are driven by what is real not what some media driven ad campaign tells us.

Do what you have to do to please yourself, but you don't need to be so hard on yourself.

Barton.

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Originally Posted by James2024

ahem



i think your not giving us men enough credit


i konw for me i do understand that sturggle all to well.


corse i have four sisters and was rasied by my mother as a single parent

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yeah..I know my metabolism is not fast..I need to work out and do lots of cardio to counter the calories I take in. Men look in the mirror too and don't like what they see (unless they're in shape of course).

scarletakb, it has been said many other times here already, but I would like to add to the aforementioned sentiments; your lover does not seem to have issues with your weight. Which is good. As a male and a Dom, a lover, a husband, and even a father; I can not see how I could be responsible to any of those roles if I allowed weight to interfere with my pursuit of any of those.

Now there are health issues about weight, it is true that overweight people have more health problems than slimmer people. So what, life happens to all of us. There are those who will be heavy, those who will be toothpicks, who cares. I do not see how one's weight should affect one's relationship with one's self and one's lovers, in concievable to me.

Obviously, your lover and your husband have not found you less than beautiful. Beauty has nothingto do with size. Does anyone remember Marilyn Monroe? She was not petite. This cult of anorexia that has swept our culture is truely sad and disgusting;but you do not have to participate, no one does.

Beyond that, you have stated that you are working on your weight, you excersice, excellent. The body needs that, but your mind needs the calestentics of positive attitude. Don't let the words of mino-minded and less endowed assholes cut you to the quick. you have the right to be proud of yourself and your body. There is no perfect body, if there were we would be mass produced on assembly lines, so don't let it bother you, if you can.

Alright, I know I am a male an therefore not caable of understanding women completely, I actually do know that.

A lot of things go into attractiveness. I don't like women who smoke, but all of the last five women I fell for were smokers. I'm not much for overweight women, but I dated two of them in college. I still haven't sunk so low as to fall for a redhead, but it could happen (heaven forbid).

The thing is that people are a package; there may be something you don't like about the package, but if the other things outweigh it...

Don't think "overweight", think "gestalt".

I can totally relate here although mine is a different story.

I have always been on the "chubby" side but rarely too badly overweight until my mid thirties when my weight ballooned and I became really obese.

I decide that I was not going to be "fat and forty" so I decide to lose the weight and it took 15 months for me to lose 96lbs. I felt great. Then I gave up smoking, became depressed and in the past 6 years the weight has gone back on with a vengeance.

Now...through all of this my hubby has stuck with me. Thin, fat, in between, he has not changed one iota. Obviously as the "fatty" that I am now I am unable to be quite as flexible as before but we improvise and just get on with enjoying ourselves. My weight now is a part of my health problems so I do have to lose it again....not easy when i am having hip problems and exercise is not feasible. Someone has just suggested to me to try yoga to start and I will look into that as a possibility.

My point is....through all the ups and downs our life has adapted to accomodate my size. Our enjoyment has not really been affected, except recently with my painful hip things have gotten a bit ouchy sometimes.

You are making a positive action in your life and you will feel so good when you reach your personal goals and your confidence will grow with that. In the meantime however, just enjoy life with your lover. Your size seems not to be an issue with him so try not to make it too much of an issue for you. 50lbs is an amazing amount of weight to lose and I applaud you. It is hard and every pound shed is fantastic. I should know cos I've been there!

Take heed of everyone here who has told you that other peoples thoughlessness should not make you feel bad. People will always critisise...and not just about weight....its human nature....sad but true.

Maybe I will be able, in a few months, to come here and boast about losing 50lbs too!! Here's hoping!

There are heavy people and there are skinny people.
My Brother has a set of twins you can realy see the differnce in the 2 one takes after her mother very thing almost to thin. Just going into the first grade she is about 65 pounds (guess) Then there is the other she takes after her father my side of the family she is big for her age heavy i'd say pushing little over 80 pounds. They both eat likes birds very health councouse.

That is a fair bit of it. The heavy one will never be the thin ones size. Geniticly it just is not going to happen. It is not fair but that is the fact of life.

I have been heavy all my life. Geneticly I am large but I also have a monky on my back. I like to eat and I eat out of bordome. But even if I did not. I will never be skinny. There is no going back once you are heavy. You can lose wight and be healthy, but but your not going to get to that goal of 6,1 170 male adonis. When you are large things chang to support the wight bones get bigger muscle builds up and so on.

I could go on the strictus diet in the world and I have but I will never be porn star thin. It is not in my geans or my slacks either.

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Originally Posted by Mobius

That is a fair bit of it. The heavy one will never be the thin ones size. Geniticly it just is not going to happen. It is not fair but that is the fact of life.

I have been heavy all my life. Geneticly I am large but I also have a monky on my back. I like to eat and I eat out of bordome. But even if I did not. I will never be skinny. There is no going back once you are heavy. You can lose wight and be healthy, but but your not going to get to that goal of 6,1 170 male adonis. When you are large things chang to support the wight bones get bigger muscle builds up and so on.

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Nothing is impossible. The problem is, you sound like you've convinced yourself of that. If you watch what you eat, exercise every day and burn more calories that you take in, then it will happen. All it takes is true dedication, that's the hard part.

I ride my exercise bike every morning for half an hour and burn 400 calories on it. Then I go and do a 1 hour weight training work out on my home gym and afterwards feel so energised it's unbelievable. Yes the muscles burn, and half way through it I still need to motivate myself to keep going, but 10 minutes after I'm done I feel spectacular. lol I sound like an infomercial.

Anyways, I'd suggest that everyone try it (you don't have to do quite what I suggested above..I worked up to that point) for a month. If you all don't drop at least 15 pounds, then either I'm lying or you were lying to yourself about your dedication.

Fetish your stomach becomes a certain size and then there is a limit to just how small you can become. Not to say exerscise is not a good things its healthy bulids confidence and does cause weight lose. However short of sugery there are limits

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Originally Posted by James2024

Fetish your stomach becomes a certain size and then there is a limit to just how small you can become. Not to say exerscise is not a good things its healthy bulids confidence and does cause weight lose. However short of sugery there are limits

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No, and in fact I had this problem with my stomach wanting more food than was good for me. Using weight watchers philosophy, I ate lower point value foods (points are how weight watchers watches calories/fat etc) and over about a month, my stomach started to want less and less food to keep it happy. In effect, it shrank to fit my needs. Then again, I was only 40 pounds over weight, so it may take more time for someone bigger to do the same thing. But the point is it's possible, I'm evidence of it.

I have the same problem... only from the opposite side of it. I'm too damn skinny. I hate that. I've tried all sorts of things to put on weight. I've run tests (benefits of working in the medical field) to see if I've an off thyroid. I exercise a fair amount. But I've come to accept that I can't keep weight on.

I often worry about assuming certain positions because it will look as though I've no curves whatsoever, or because my ribs show, or my legs are so skinny that they look like twigs and make my knees seem very knobby.

Thankfully, I receive a lot of positive feedback from my lovers. I may scoff and let it roll off my back, as bad duck cliches are want, but it helps a lot. My Mistress compliments me too, and I can't dismiss those or I'll get in BIG trouble. :D

I think that what it comes down to is something someone else already mentioned in this thread. Those who find me attractive aren't usually after just my body type. There are a plethora of other things that add to just the image that I project (hairstyle, hair color, clothing style, how I walk, how I speak, my smile, my cold eyes, et-cetera), not to mention who I really am. If attraction was only based on body type then I'd be a lonely, lonely girl.

Many men may enjoy the Hollywood stereotype but I prefer the company of other women, and women (myself included) tend to enjoy a lady with curves... a real woman as opposed to someone with a rail-thin, anorexic supermodel silhouette. I typically prefer submissives, Dommes, and lovers in general who do NOT look like they just walked out of a fashion mag.

There are exceptions. My Mistress is one of them. She's absolutely stunning in a mainstream way. But women who look like that and perpetuate the high femme attitude generally turn me off. I usually like a lady who is pretty in a much more conventional, every-day way.

Part of that is because it's just what I like. I can't explain it. I just dig women who aren't stick figures.

Part of it is because I can't stand the "prettiest girl in the room" syndrome... the "I'm going to walk all over everyone and get away with it, not because I'm more powerful, smarter, stronger, or cleverer, but because I'm prettier" way of thinking. Gah.

Above all, either seeing a woman on her knees in submission or a woman standing in front of me while I'm on my knees gives me a clean slate. Outside of any D/s agreement between that woman and myself I know that either she's mine or I'm hers... at least for a time. I can bend her to my will and teach her what I want or have those things done to myself. She either gives power or takes it from me willingly. That's what I consider important in a BDSM context. That's sexy to me.

Weight is something that effects 99% of the people around the world. It is funny how it is viewed in one culture, can be the complete opposite in another. I know that in places in Europe women with "a few extra pounds" are held in very high regard.



I believe a lot does have to do with self confidence. I have always had "a few extra pounds," but once I approached 200# I thought something has to change. I am 5'10", so it doesn't show as bad, but it's still there. I want to do something about it, but part of me is comfortable with how I look. My bf is a big part of it. He loves me no matter my size. He always tells me how sexy and beautiful I look. Since we started dating, we both put some weight on, and I think it's because we are so in love, it doesn't matter our size. Point is, you have to have confidence in yourself. When we first got together, I didn't have a lot of it. After a few months, I felt so good about myself. I am convinced this is why, at this point, a diet doesn't exactly work. I don't want it enough, b/c a part of me is happy with how I look. Women, you need to look inside, and love you. Be proud of how you look, no matter your size. If you have confidence, your life will change drastically. You might not lose weight, but you will be happier. Also, for those like me who want to lose weight, don't try a diet until you are 100% sure you want this. If even a part of you isn't sure, it's not time yet.


Just my two cents. Just be proud of who you are. I guess this goes for men and women. I know men have issues with weight as well (my bf included).

Gosh, so many good answers, and so much support. I guess what I'm really dealing with right now is the "mind game". I look at my situation.

My lover, is married, and I'm married. I guess I feel that it is difficult for a man to find a woman who wants to be with a married man, and who is discrete. Then, add the age factor, and then add the dom/sub factor, and I can just about convince myself that my lover has "slim pickings" out there. I mean, How easy is it for a 40 year old married man, with a child, to find a woman, who also is married, who is discrete, healthy, and is into BDSM? Are there alot of us out there?

I think I see my weight as an issue that he just deals with because it is so difficult for him to find someone to fit the bill.

There is part of me that KNOWS this isn't true. I mean, I'm pretty, I'm intelligent, I'm actually quite classy, I'm funny, and entertaining, and I am a DAMN good lover. Yet, why is it so easy to throw all those good qualities away? and just focus on the weight.

I look at women celebrities who are bigger, like me, and I see them as beautiful. Look at Queen Latifa? She is stunning.. and yet, I'm sure I'm not much bigger than she is. Why can't I see myself as stunning too?

Another point that I wanted to make. When it comes to weight loss, the mistake that most people (including myself) make, is that we see weight loss as being one dimentional. A diet will do the trick, or exercise, or a pill, or surgery. But when it comes down to it, it is SOOOO multi-level. For me, it was a matter of understanding my body (I have a hormonal disorder, that makes it close to impossible to lose, and very easy to gain.. ) finding a healthy diet, that I could live with, and seeing what a difference there was in the way it made me feel. Also, discovering yoga, and learning to honor my body, and be patient with myself. But, it was also alot about letting go of past hurts, addictons, false expectations, and hurtful thoughts.

Now, I'm working on letting go of the negative self image... and I am truly going to take to heart what has been said here.

Anyway.. thank you so much..

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Originally Posted by scarletakb

My lover, is married, and I'm married. I guess I feel that it is difficult for a man to find a woman who wants to be with a married man, and who is discrete. Then, add the age factor, and then add the dom/sub factor, and I can just about convince myself that my lover has "slim pickings" out there. I mean, How easy is it for a 40 year old married man, with a child, to find a woman, who also is married, who is discrete, healthy, and is into BDSM? Are there alot of us out there?

I think I see my weight as an issue that he just deals with because it is so difficult for him to find someone to fit the bill.

There is part of me that KNOWS this isn't true. I mean, I'm pretty, I'm intelligent, I'm actually quite classy, I'm funny, and entertaining, and I am a DAMN good lover. Yet, why is it so easy to throw all those good qualities away? and just focus on the weight.

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Well hell, I'm 20 and I sure as shit haven't found a lot of 'real life' people that share my own 'fetish's' on issues such as bdsm. Sure, I've met girls who I'm almost positive have submissive qualities (that would go well with me as I'm pretty sure a submissive role would go over like the proverbial 'led zeppelin' for me), but I've either been in a relationship with someone at the time or they have been in one themselves when I realized this.

Although, as of late, I am the leading poster on these forums, I have not had the pleasure of a bdsm relationship. Sure, I've been in situations with women where I say what I want in bed, and they do it, but it's not like it was a domination/submission type situation. "suck my dick", and they do it....not quite the same.

While I don't presume to know what your lover thinks, I would hope it's not that he is with you simply because you share his interest in bdsm and his pickings are slim. I know it is easy to think this way, remember I was 40 lbs over weight myself once too.

All you think about when you see yourself in the mirror is how @#$#ing overweight you are, and how you hate yourself for getting there. It is the easiest way to lose confidence in yourself, and probably the most common.

For me, gaining that confidence back was in making a total, 180 degree change in what I did. I ate differently, I don't drink anymore, and I excersise a hell of a lot more. that change doesn't have to happen so drastically, but for me that's what it took.

Whatever you do to build your confidence, the one universal rule is sticking to it. If you plan on losing even 20 pounds or even a smaller amount, stick to it! Give yourself a reason not to believe your husband/lover is not there simply because their options are slim.

Hmm...dunno...little skinny subs are good...but you kinda worry you might break them, y'know?

Being larger not only provides a bigger target but it provides so much more to be bound and waxed and clamped and so on.

The most important thing is what's inside your head - the attitude you take to yourself and especially to submission and to D/s and all the other things that go into that. If a 'Dom' can't pick up on that cerebral stuff and interact with you as a submissive (as opposed to a piece of eye candy) then why would you bother with them anyway.

Have fun.

J

Hi all. I just wanted to thank everybody for the wonderful, sane, balanced advice we’re giving people who are struggling with their weight. I spent a year or two frequenting pro-ana and pro-mia message boards in high school (If you don’t know what that is, you’re lucky. Pro-ana and pro-mia boards are for people who choose to continue living with anorexia or bulimia rather than recovering, and they share tips on successful starving and show off pictures of themselves so they can be praised for their stick-thin-ness.) I have big issues with my weight, which objectively I know is silly since I’m 5’7 and just over 150. I can’t get some of their weird-ass advice out of my head, though. Like “don’t eat, and then sit there feeling superior as you watch people stuff food into their mouths to make their fat bodies even fatter.” When I eat, I wonder if maybe there’s some Ana someplace in the restaurant watching me and thinking those thoughts. It’s a real downer, but I’ve found more productive ways like athletics to fight the problems that arise from my passionate love affair with Ben & Jerry.
One of my friends once asked me if subbing wasn’t somehow an unhealthy expression of self-hatred. I think it’s quite the opposite. Unlike those poor girls who think the only way to be worthy is to be starving, here people seem to accept and love their bodies, without being blind to their faults. It’s a great way to be. Thanks again.

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Originally Posted by whippedcream

I can’t get some of their weird-ass advice out of my head, though. Like “don’t eat, and then sit there feeling superior as you watch people stuff food into their mouths to make their fat bodies even fatter.” When I eat, I wonder if maybe there’s some Ana someplace in the restaurant watching me and thinking those thoughts. It’s a real downer, but ...

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Okay, anorexic (anoretic?) and bulimic people have a mental illness. Why should you care what crazy people think? If a person with bipolar illness was sitting there feeling superior because "I have a plan for hijacking a bus and taking it to Key West and you don't", would that be a downer?

Exercise is a great idea, if you have the discipline for it. Even if you don't lose weight, what you have will distribute itself differently. Research has shown that being in reasonable condition is almost as healthy as being of "normal" weight. And if you get involved in a team sport, who knows who you might meet?

It is what it is. Some men love bbw's. I know some doms that would have nothing else. I know other doms that like their women thin like a tooth pick, and others in between. It how you see yourself not how others see you.

scarletakb, like you i've struggled with my weight (still am actually) and something that i don't think anyone's done more then glance over is that you may simply not be built to be skinny. i don't know your body type hun (pardon the informality but i call everyone hun) but i know in my own case that i have broad shoulders, wide hips, an ample chest and a round butt...i will never ever be a size 2, i do not have the bone structure for it. from what you've said you are making great strides in dealing with your weight and it sounds like it will not be a health issue for you. i would say that if you feel better, can do the things you want to do and are not having health issues from your weight then to hell with what anyone else thinks of your body!

this sounds rather trite i know and is much easier said then accepted in ones own mind but there is something really liberating when you can look in a mirror and love every litte ounce of curvy flesh looking back at you without the backdrop of anyone else's approval drifting through your mind.

as for your worries about your Dom having slim pickings let me tell you hun, there are a lot of women (and girls for that matter) who would be discrete and probably more readily available since many wouldn't be married themselves and thus there would be less of a problem on their ends...that said this meand that he wants YOU darling girl. all those good things you pointed out about yourself obviously trip his sensors and i'd be willing to bet that your voloptuous figure does too!

I'm actually, kind of a big girl.. pretty big boned, etc. When I was in my very early 20's I competed in pageants... I was in very nice shape... weighed about 130 pounds, and was a size 12. (I'm 5' )... So.. I'm broad shouldered, broad hipped.. big boned all around, but, I had a pretty nice figure.

Just to toot my own horn.. I just lost another 7 pounds. I'm seeing my lover tomorrow for the first time in 2 months, and he will have a hard time recognizing me... I'm looking pretty decent.

I'd like to lose another 65 pounds.. but, frankly, it's probably more realistic for me to lose another 20 or 30... Everyone I know has been commenting about how incredibly skinny I'm getting.. so.. maybe I'm just meant to be a bigger size...

i'm 5.4" and 180 lbs. Of course, i am not playboy material, but that doesn't mean i cant be beautiful. Too many people are following a media ideal. i guess every one's body has a norm. Some are skinnier and some are larger and some in between. No matter how hard they exercise, some peoples bodies just fight hard to stay in the norm. This is true for me. i have 40-f breasts, and thick and muscular limbs. In my opinion, its more important to worry about health concerns than dress size (come on, Marilyn Monroe was size 16). I can run a mile in 7 minutes, so i care less about being size 18, and my Master loves me reguardless.

P.S. Screw all the jerks who say that larger or smaller people are ugly.