Need support and advise

Years ago I left the life. Why:

1st Dom was only a show Dom. He never wanted to play unless there was an audience. I wanted more 24/7 so I left.

2nd Dom had a submissive wife who spent months getting to know me to ensure we were compatible. Once she agreed it would work I gave myself to him and she cried and stopped talking to me. Weeks of that and never getting to service him because she would cry, I left.

3rd Dom had a wife who was also dominate and we all spent months getting to know each other. When the time seemed right I went to my knees before them and asked if I could join their family. Together, they explained the rules to me. They had an agreement that each of them could own their own slaves (she already did) and the slaves were to service them in any way they chose with one exception. Intercourse was reserved for them as man and wife and the slaves would never have intercourse from them. I gave myself to him with this understanding. In a matter of weeks he had me in a helpless position and proceeded to have intercourse with me. When I told him I felt I had violated his wife's trust and that I wanted to tell her he told me I was a bad slave if I didn't protect his secret.

Anyway, I left and threw away everything I had that was D/s related. My clothes, toys, liturature, my own writtings, everything. I decided either the lifestyle was a joke or I was and either way I needed to leave.

My point? Being subserviant is who I am and I need it to feel complete. I know, now that I've been away so long, that I would rather have one of those above mentioned relationships and suffer that way then this way. So why not just go out and find it again? It does not exist here. My job moved me last year to a place that's in the middle of nowhere. There isn't even a mall let alone D/s clubs. I feel like I'm dying. I feel like I want to die. I went to a councelor and he only made it worse because he thinks the problem is some deep rooted childhood thing and won't believe I had a wonderful childhood and a "normal" person can desire to serve another. I'm sure several of you know the type.

Well, my entire life is falling apart. I can't sleep well (hounded by dreams) I don't eat well, I can't seem to communicate with the "vanilla" people who try to befriend me... I'm lost. I've tried cyber and it just doesn't touch me. I decided to join this group (instead of just peeking in on your conversations and stories like I've been doing for weeks) and see if I could make some friends and join in on the topics. Maybe just being a part of some conversations will help me till I can move from here (in 2006).

So, how about it. Anybody out there want to send some support to a lost one? Anything you want to talk about is fine with me. I just need a little ackowledgment. Or maybe Someone can just tell me to "Snap out of it!!" ;)

Thank you in advance for your time,
Karen

G'Day there Karen,

Keep ya chin up. Life isn't all fun and games. This roller-coaster event we call reality has hurt enough decent people in it's time. I'm sure you'll find a lot of good friends here who will engage you in conversation and good humour.

We're only a click away.

Fire-bird

PS. Noli nothis permittere te terere.

It's Latin for "Don't let the bastards get you down."

It happens to a lot of people. You have to decide if you want to get back on your feet and keep at it.

If you do, then this is a wonderful community to meet people, talk and ask questions.

If you don't, then best of luck to you in your endeavours.


Personally, I hate to see anyone leave the lifestyle, especially because of bad experiences. The first thing you must realize is, just because the few people you've run into seemed to be jerks, doesn't mean that all of us are. There are many of us out there that are warm, nice, friendly people that would love to have a devoted and caring female submissive.

My advice is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on the horse.

Welcome Lost One
You have had some bad experiences and I can see why you would feel like the lifestyle is a lie.
I can also understand your need to serve.
Hang around. Read the posts and join in, and hopefully, you can get through these next few months. Take it one month at a time.
Maybe you will find a friend here that you can get close to.

I think you will find at least some of what you need in here. I know I have. There are some very intelligent people in these forums, with mostly positive outlooks.

I, too, tried to give up all of my BDSM related materials, for different reasons. I found that it didn't work, and actually made me feel worse. So I came back. Every once in a while I feel like tossing it all away again, but I now understand that this is going to be a part of my life, for good or bad, forever.

So don't feel so alone. There's lots of help and understanding in here.

Dear LostOne/Karen:

Please do not to give up on yourself. Yes, in some of its mainstream aspects the lifestyle is mostly a joke, but that does not mean that you are also one. It is indeed hard to be the way we are without feeling like an outcast or becoming vulnerable to the ignorance and stupidity of the average wannabe/player out there.

For the longest time I lived my submisiveness and masochism in the privacy of my own mind until out of nowhere someone who loves and understands me for who I am and what I like came into my life. I was not even looking. So, it may at some point happen to you too. In the meantime I can tell you from personal experience that trying to give up who you really are will only make you feel like crap.

I know that this lines offer little relief at this moment but like Thorne pointed out it really does help a little to share what you feel with others. Also, as you explore the forums you will find threads that deal with our struggle to live the lives we have chosen. I want you to know that we are all here for you, even if the only comfort we can give is our understanding.

Nikka
xoxoxo

I want to tell you all that I appreciate your kind words. A little acknowlegement and understanding can go a long way. I knew I could count on this group for that.

Fire-bird:
I did let the bastards get me down but that doesn't mean I have to stay down, right?

Tourguide:
I am counting on there being many warm,nice,friendly people out there and if one of them would appreciate me that would just be the icing.

woodman'sgame:
I think I will find many friends here. It's a wonderful group of people.

Thorne:
I don't think I will feel so alone knowing there is someone out there who understands and has been through it too.

Nikka:
These lines offered more relief than you know. The understanding goes a long way.

I look forward to getting to know you all more and learn from you. Look for more posts from me in the future. I'm going to browse the forum to try to avoid starting a thread that has already been played out. Forgive me if I accidentally put you all down a road you've already trodded too many times before.

Again, thank you,
Karen

i guess i'm pretty slow to reply to this thread and what i've wanted to say has more or less been said by the other people who've replied.

i'm sorry to hear about the bad experiences you've had. but there's always a rainbow at the end of every storm. just gotta find it. i'm sure you'll find what you're seeking eventually. just hang in there and dont give up :) bad experiences dont break a person, they just make a person stronger if taken with the right attitude, which you appear to be attaining :) so be strong for yourself :)

As usual, a lot of intelligent things have already been said, way before I gathered my thoughts. One personal experience is worth mentioning though, so here it goes:

At more than one occasion, I have rid myself of everything that related to the lifestyle, basically out of the same feelings that you mentioned. But the thoughts would not leave me alone, they drew me back into it. Not the same person that had left, but one with more life experience, with better thought-through idea and certainly a better understanding as to who and what I am. I am still searching for The One to share all this and the rest of my life with - which may be an unattainable goal for me - but I have gained lots of insights into life, people I mix with and myself in the process.

Maybe this is an encouragement for you to keep going on.

As to these forums, and although I do not know many participants personally: the abundance of ideas, thoughts, views, insights have given me a tremendous lot. So, a very warm welcome to you here,

SMartie

Dear Lost One

You have actually taken the really big first step already. By getting out there and laying it all out you have taken your life in hand and are doing something about it.

You have a kink that many out there in the world regard as abnormal. These folks, including obviously your counsellor, regard BDSM as a disease to be cured by expurgating a dragon within. That is the mark of an immature counsellor.

It is far healthier to do what you are now doing.

Welcome to this site. As you can see from the caring correspondence you have already exchanged that the BDSM community is not entirely composed of assholes and freaks. On this site we have a very reasonable code of conduct that encourages civility. This helps to encourage nice people and drive off some of the nastier individuals. Now it is your turn. Write, communicate, participate. Maybe you may not be able to meet may people in your geographic community that share your itch, but there are many of us here in this corner of the cybercommunity that do.

Above all, why not try your hand at a bit of fiction or a fantasy. Who knows, you may enjoy writing and the feeling that goes with having written a story that somebody actually liked.

I can imagine that several of us here have had similar situations. Are there any that any of you want to share?

Like angelstar said there is a lot that has been said and I personally don't see much more that I could really say.

I myself am just getting into the lifestyle....getting close to around a year of investigation and learning. The life from what I have seen is fabolous for those who fall into the submissive and Domminant archtypes.

From my experience thigns are increadibly intense and leaving it has not something that I have concidered. Though I would like to extend another welcome to the forums.

Now I am a rather quite guy, I tend not to talk alot on the forums, but I will alwayse respond to any messages sent my way, so long as I know them.