sunshine
Registered User

I have just turned 56 yrs old my Sunshine. You are forever 36 yrs old. You are timeless....not unlike my feelings for you. It has almost been 15 yrs since you passed. You have the luxury of not being here to annoy me, disappointment me, or to hurt me any more than you have with your passing. In that sense, death makes you imperfectly perfect. I find that I am loved, but I don't have a lover. I have a partner in life...a companion to share my life with and adventures, but none of them in the bedroom. Frustrating as that might be...even in death you serve me. What I cannot have in this life, I can hope to have with you in the next. So you see...you are always with me, you have to be waiting for me when this life passes. You are hope, you are love and lust....you are desire and loss. So much that I place upon your shoulders....merely the weight of my own frustrations.

Happy Birthday my love...I miss you, my little pain in the ass.

It is another year starting and you are not with me. The sound of your voice fades slowing from my memory. It is an echo that rings in the hollow spaces of my heart. Reflections on puddles of old tears are the mirror to the memory of who we were, what we felt, and meant to each other. I am beyond the grief and frustration of helplessness. I cannot reach across the chasm that is death to reach you. All I can do it remember what we had, what could have been, and take solace in the possibility that we might meet when my time comes to leave this world. Perhaps, when my eyes close for the final time in this world, I might open new eyes to see your smiling face to greet me. That small hope is enough for me now, to be patient.

When I think of you and go to whisper your name, my wife's name falls from my lips. I think you would be pleased by this. My wife has seeped into my heart and soul. There is room in my heart for both of you. Love is not limited by space and time. I merely note the passing of time and how my love evolves. I do not doubt or diminish our love. Perhaps because my wife is vanilla, my passion and devotion continues. My love cannot be all things for me. Vanilla is the price I pay for this love, different from yours. I happily pass my days knowing that when I die, there is a chance that you will be waiting for me to give me a warm, loving embrace.

In two days I leave for Spain to hike 70 miles of the Camino Santiago with my 70 yr old mother in law, my wife, and my wife's cousin as part of my mother in law's celebration of her turning 70. I would prefer to hike the whole 500 miles from France to Spain, but I don't have a month of vacation that I can take. We will be in the rain for days on end. Maybe, I will find you between the rain drops? You said that I would find you in the water along the trail on my travels. So I can believe that you will share the journey with me...the cool drops of rain striking my rain jacket and wide brim hat....reminders that you are there with me. Will I dream of you when I slumber, warm in my bed after a day in the wet? Will I daydream of the twisted sexual fantasies of what I would have love to have done to you? I am sure my mind will drift, as it always does when I am hiking, to thoughts of you. I remember you, I try to live a life for TWO, and I honor you by simply remembering....carrying your memory in my heart as I go forth on my adventures....hoping you are smiling as you look down upon me.

In two days I leave for Spain to hike 70 miles of the Camino Santiago with my 70 yr old mother in law, my wife, and my wife's cousin as part of my mother in law's celebration of her turning 70. I would prefer to hike the whole 500 miles from France to Spain, but I don't have a month of vacation that I can take. We will be in the rain for days on end. Maybe, I will find you between the rain drops? You said that I would find you in the water along the trail on my travels. So I can believe that you will share the journey with me...the cool drops of rain striking my rain jacket and wide brim hat....reminders that you are there with me. Will I dream of you when I slumber, warm in my bed after a day in the wet? Will I daydream of the twisted sexual fantasies of what I would have love to have done to you? I am sure my mind will drift, as it always does when I am hiking, to thoughts of you. I remember you, I try to live a life for TWO, and I honor you by simply remembering....carrying your memory in my heart as I go forth on my adventures....hoping you are smiling as you look down upon me.

I had my 4th dream about you. Sadly, that is not many for someone who has been longing for you for 14 years. What does it say that you, someone I profess my love, devotion, and desire for does not dream of you more often? Perhaps it is the nature of our relationship...to never have met in person, to never hold the other person in your arms. You are a fantasy, a dream, but to say that is to deny the love and connection we had. An undeniable connection that lingers all these years later. In my dream, I saw your face...the imagination of how you who have looked today, older, worn....real. I almost cried after reflecting upon my brief dream of you. Simply grateful that you were in my dream...a little more real in an unreal world

I love romantic comedies these days. Probably because I am in love and I am loved in return. I enjoy seeing the boy getting the girl. I enjoy seeing the silliness that is romance and love...that we willing open ourselves up to being hurt. we are vulnerable. Love can not be experienced without payment in return. You cannot feel joy if you have not tasted the bitterness of pain. Love demands we are laid out bare and exposed. We are offered up onto the slab of judgement. Yet, in that offering, we can experience a deep joy. A profound sensation unlike anything else. What is risked is rewarded with so much in return. I am happy in a way that I have never been before. I am grateful. You would have been 50 yrs old this year. Yet, you will always remain 36 yrs old to me. I am now 55. I find it welcoming to be this old, yet surprised that i am so much closer to 60 yrs old. I think of you and wonder all of the what if's. I feel sad that your life was cut short. I remind myself to try to live a life for both of us. I know you would smile and would be happy for me at the love I have found. Please know that you will never be forgotten. You are cherished, loved, and remembered.

Misty, relationships are hard because they require work. They require honesty. The type of honesty that requires you to look into the mirror to see yourself as you really are....not as we hope to be. It requires the uncomfortable stare of looking into someone else's eyes and to see the hurt that you have caused or the joy that your presence brings them. Relationships are hard, but nothing worth having should be all that easy. Despite the struggle and the hard work, the rewards are so magical and wonderful. The journey to the top of the mountain is fraught with the range of human emotions that we are all capable of feeling. There is the initial excitement of the first steps on the trail, the wide eyed beauty of it all, the slowing pace of fatigue, the sting of the salty sweat rolling into your eyes or are those tears? There are the moments of despair when you want to stop and turn around because the immensity of it is too large to bear and because it seems impossible....then there is the contentment of exhaustion and the reward of the stunning view from the top. I never have once regretted taking the first steps on the trail to your heart. Despite the pain of your loss, I can only look out upon the ruin of what could have been with us and take comfort in the lingering warmth of your commitment and love towards me.

I miss the sound of your voice. It is becoming harder for me to recall what it sounded like. I miss your wit....your sharp tongue. Stephen called you a Smart Ass Masochist Sub. SAM Sub. I liked your fire, I loved that you made me work for every bit that you slowly gave to me. I enjoyed unraveling the mystery that was you. And when I peeled back those last layers, I found so much that we shared in common. You were where I had been in my life, years before. I wanted you to be able to see through my eyes....to see how wonderful and special you were when you refused to see anything good about you. Peeling back those layers, I found my way into your heart and you into mine. Time will strip away the memories that I have of you. Your voice will fade from my ears and will just be a faint echo of the past. However, what will always remain is the feeling of you. The love that crushed my heart when you died. The joy that I felt each day I was able to chat with you. The anticipation of just being able to spend some more time with you....enjoying your company. Yes, the thrill of the fantasy of WHAT IF we could meet in person and play out all of those twisted desires. In the end, I remember how much we cared and loved each other across the span of distance between us. Worlds apart, yet bonded together. Even now, I am bonded to you in the memory of a woman who loved this simple man.