sunshine
Registered User

I took the letters that we exchanged at the end of your life. I took the letters that I wrote my daughter and my wife just before we started the divorce. All of them candid and raw windows into pivotal times in my life. I placed them into the wall of my house. With other messages and family photos. A sort of time capsule of this house and the family that lived here. They show my flaws, weakness, my humanity. They are declaration of love toward my ex wife, to you, to my daughter. They are pleas of forgiveness to my daughter for having shattered her innocence and her world. How do you tell a beloved child that you are tearing her world apart and to see those tears streaming down her face? However, that was the past and now things are better for all of us. Even for my ex. Amicable divorce and our daughter thrives. Yet, I have a lingering sadness. Not for a need to go back to my ex, simply the sadness of our failure to express our needs and that our dreams of a life together in retirement will never be. I think of you my Sunshine and I daydream of the promise that we were to each other. I miss you, I long for you.....I lust for you. I need the fantasy that was us. I wish I could hold your hand and feel the warmth of you.

The house is silent. My daughter is gone with her mother. Taking them both to the airport, I found myself thinking that this was my family and it seemed like old times. But that is simply my mind playing tricks on me. The house is silent, my girl friend is away to visit her family. I find that I am truly alone. And here you are waiting for me in my silence. The house is dark and the shadows wrap me in their chilly embrace. The blanket wrapped around me could be your arms to warm my soul. It hits me when I am alone like this. The loss of my family, the loss of you in my life....a moment of self pity to mourn all that was lost. I yearn for the promise that was you. How badly I needed to cling to the hope that you were. For us both to feel love and need for each other. This pain is real and I need to feel it. I have not mourned the loss of all these things maybe because I fear that I will feel something that my heart is afraid of.....the feeling of anguish and hurt.

Sunshine.....I spoke to your roommate a few days ago. It was a good talk and I enjoyed hearing her voice as you both have the same twang in your voice. In the past, I have made a point to keep my distance from her. To let us both deal with your death in our own ways. Perhaps fearful that the mutually shared grief of your loss might draw us together for the wrong reasons. Enough time has passed where that is no longer a concern. Talking to her is familiar and comforting. In some ways, she still needs me and I need her in what odd way that it keeps me bound to you. She is a kind and wonderful woman and the fragility of her self esteem keeps her from seeing the good that she is in this world. I hope that she can find happiness again that was snatched away from her shortly after your passing with the death of her Master. She taught you to how to speak, once you gained your voice. No surprise that you both sound so alike. Lines blur and I see and I see you all at once. It is okay. No injustice is done as you were such good friends. Just know that I am thinking of you and miss you in my own, silent way.

My Sunshine....I had a wonderful day with my daughter. I think you would be proud and happy. We spend a day biking together.....going down to the movie theater where we met with her friends to see the movie, The Jungle Book. Mostly, it was simply nice to know that my daughter wanted to do something with me. As we biked along the trail for some 18 miles, we had time to talk. I had time to tease her and to get her to laugh. She told me about her life, school, and the funny things that happen in her day. I felt like a father rather than simply being the provider and care giver for my child. It was a wonderful day and I wanted to share it with you. Because you are always here for me. You are forever patient and loving. You are a memory of a brief time that was both wonderful and heart breaking. I will carry you in my heart for the rest of my days and I look forward to sharing these little notes to you. If only there was a heaven so that I could take comfort in knowing that you were getting these message.

Sunshine, it is easier missing you. It is easier because I am happy. I have someone in my life. I find that there is a lot of room in my heart. Enough so that you will always have a place there. When I hear the sound of water anytime I am on a hike or backpacking trip, my thoughts rush to you. I find myself reaching down to touch the cool water of the stream or the river that is along the trial. Just like you are always with me on my journey. Where there is the solitude of time, there is the memory of you that awaits me. Sometimes it feels like no time has gone by when my thoughts return to you. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that you are not forgotten. That you are still needed by me, if only in that you occupy my fantasies and my mind. When I see a new horizon, a new mountain top ridge, I wish that you could see it with me. High up in the mountains is as close as I can get to heaven. As close as I can get to you.

Sunshine, it is easier missing you. It is easier because I am happy. I have someone in my life. I find that there is a lot of room in my heart. Enough so that you will always have a place there. When I hear the sound of water anytime I am on a hike or backpacking trip, my thoughts rush to you. I find myself reaching down to touch the cool water of the stream or the river that is along the trial. Just like you are always with me on my journey. Where there is the solitude of time, there is the memory of you that awaits me. Sometimes it feels like no time has gone by when my thoughts return to you. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that you are not forgotten. That you are still needed by me, if only in that you occupy my fantasies and my mind. When I see a new horizon, a new mountain top ridge, I wish that you could see it with me. High up in the mountains is as close as I can get to heaven. As close as I can get to you.

Sunshine, it is easier missing you. It is easier because I am happy. I have someone in my life. I find that there is a lot of room in my heart. Enough so that you will always have a place there. When I hear the sound of water anytime I am on a hike or backpacking trip, my thoughts rush to you. I find myself reaching down to touch the cool water of the stream or the river that is along the trial. Just like you are always with me on my journey. Where there is the solitude of time, there is the memory of you that awaits me. Sometimes it feels like no time has gone by when my thoughts return to you. I hope you find some comfort in knowing that you are not forgotten. That you are still needed by me, if only in that you occupy my fantasies and my mind. When I see a new horizon, a new mountain top ridge, I wish that you could see it with me. High up in the mountains is as close as I can get to heaven. As close as I can get to you.

Misty, I think that it is all a dream. This image of a woman in my head....someone who is attractive, sane, kinky, intelligent, and able to be emotionally intimate. I have been searching online for years....over 10. I have been on fetlife. I look at the personals and it seems like a wasteland of vain attempts to find someone....some connection. Pitfalls of BDSM, it seems is that it can be a repository of the damaged and bizarre. In this area, where I have my desires, I feel truly alone. I am picky and yet what I tell myself what I want does not seem all that esoteric. Often, I despair at my desires and realize that they will not be fulfilled. Maybe, in this way, I miss you all the more because of it. Thinking that my search might have been over when I found you. It is horrible to feel a dream slowly die. The colors of the vivid images in my head drift away from me like the tide washing out to sea. Pulling the colors of the world away and leaving a grey fog of illusion of what I think might have been. So in the grey shadows you exist...a bright orange flame in a cold grey place to guide me onward.

Happy Chinese New Year.....though, I had to have a friend, who was African American, tell me that it was Chinese New Year...LOL. I am not very Chinese....not very Asian. Guess that happens when you grow up in an all white community and had parents who never taught me the traditions. I was thinking about you my Sunshine. I thought about how you enjoyed the photos that I posted online of the trips that I had taken in the mountains. How I imagined that you were with me as I walked in places high up and so peaceful. I still wish you were with me. Sometimes I daydream that while hiking alone out there, I might run into you and spend just one day together. So I could hug you, kiss you, to feel the warmth of your body against mine. To let you know without words, how much you mean to me. When I return to the trail and I have quiet moments to myself, I think about us.....I try to feel that I am closer to you while i am out there. Yet, somehow, you are always a shadow that never appears to me. A mystery in life and in death.

Happy New Year to you my little pain in the ass. I smile when I think about you. As I drift off to sleep I wonder if I will see you in my dreams. Yet I only have seen you twice in my dreams in the past five years and even then, I never was able to speak to you. When I drift into the world of lustful fantasies....you are always waiting there for me....Patiently, longingly, and loving me. When I think of all the things that I would love to do to you, I am hot with passion and tormented by unfulfilled lust. I linger in bits of sadness that we never got to do all these things. That I never had an opportunity to hold you in my arms, but I a accept this sadness and move on. My life is good and I am happy. I simply wish that you were next to me, happy, healthy, and able to feel the warmth of my love as I hug you with all of my love for you. So that you would know that you are never alone, that you have value in this world...even when you don't think so. I am here to tell you that you are wrong...your life matters and you are missed by someone down here.