sunshine
Registered User

When I am up late and lust fills me....relentlessly keeping my restless mind tormented with unfulfilled desires, I find you there in that dark void. Your arms are outstretched to welcome me into your loving arms. You embrace me and are turned on by my desires. You amplify what I want and beg for more. I want you like a beast in heat. You drive me, you beg me to push harder and further. I want you and you want me. A perfect circle of need and desires fulfilled. I cry out into the night for you. I reach out into the darkness that is the dream of night and hope to feel your icy finger tips touching mine to pull me into the darkness. I am the fire to bring warmth to your soul and you are the water to keep me from burning to ash with hot desire. Where are you my Sunshine...why can I not reach across this abyss to bring you into my arms? I need you.

Misty, I am back from Cambodia. It was a beautiful and relaxing time. At the end, I had a moment when I felt you close to me. I was standing in the ocean with the warm Indian Ocean waters gently rolling over my chest and just up to my shoulders as I was watching the sun set. The top of the water was a cool current of water that ripped gently with the last breeze of the day pushing it towards the sandy shores. Just below the surface was a warm water that engulfed me down the sugary sand that was softer than any I have felt. I looked across this placid water to see the orange and purple hues of the sun dipping rapidly into the horizon. I felt you as you told me that I would find you in the waters of world of nature. I felt comforted in thinking that you were there with me....keeping me warm in those waters. I felt peace, I felt my love for you swell up in my heart. I let myself, for a moment, feel the pain of your loss. I thought of you and almost cried. I wished you could be next to me to watch the sunset. For a moment I reminded myself that I still love you. I was happy, I was content, I was sad, but I was thinking of you....

Misty....I looked at my phone and realized that today was the day that marked your passing 6 years ago. My feelings are numb. I think back to six years ago and remember the soul wrenching pain of your death. The hot stream of tears rolling down my face as I read your last email to me to say your good byes. The utter sense of helplessness of not being able to do anything after your death, knowing that you died without ever getting to hold my hand. There is the sense of being lucky to be able to chat with you just a day and a half before you passed away from the cancer eating your soul. There is missing the excitement and anticipation of talking to you everyday. Having you as apart of my daily life. Having to look forward to spending time with you. Writing erotic emails to you to get your wet and wanting more. The mind games we played to stir the lustful fire in our souls. The contentment of knowing that we both needed each other....that the other person valued and desired us. I miss you my Sunshine. I lust for you and I still weep for you.

Misty....I looked at my phone and realized that today was the day that marked your passing 6 years ago. My feelings are numb. I think back to six years ago and remember the soul wrenching pain of your death. The hot stream of tears rolling down my face as I read your last email to me to say your good byes. The utter sense of helplessness of not being able to do anything after your death, knowing that you died without ever getting to hold my hand. There is the sense of being lucky to be able to chat with you just a day and a half before you passed away from the cancer eating your soul. There is missing the excitement and anticipation of talking to you everyday. Having you as apart of my daily life. Having to look forward to spending time with you. Writing erotic emails to you to get your wet and wanting more. The mind games we played to stir the lustful fire in our souls. The contentment of knowing that we both needed each other....that the other person valued and desired us. I miss you my Sunshine. I lust for you and I still weep for you.

The loneliness in my life that I needed to find a way to rid myself of. I found you and you found me. I am not mad that you died....just profoundly sad for the two of us. It hurts to have a dream die and a friend and lover with it. I do what I can to block my feelings, but with you, I let myself feel the pain of it...the loss. It hurts, but I feel something. I wish so much that I could feel something other than sorrow when I think of you. I remember the joy of talking to you everyday. How much I looked forward to visiting with you everyday. It made the hard days easier and I was so much enthralled with you....lusted for you. I miss that feeling.

I have not been myself this past week. I felt a nervous energy running through me. A restlessness that made me agitated. I would shake my leg or foot without thinking. It is the sort of restlessness that begs for a release, but I did not know what I wanted. I was irritated if not angry, but I did not know why. Then I stopped to remember what month this is and that the date was coming soon. The day you died six years ago was coming on the 25th of this month. It made sense, why I was feeling this way. I was feeling your loss once again. Part of me feels that I still need to be with you. To try to fulfill the promise of what we were going to have together. The lost chance to fulfill life long dreams...fantasies. Also the simple reminder that I still miss you and that I am reminded of it all the more this month. I talk to my therapist today about you. I know the place that you have in my heart....the reason why i reached out to you.

Misty, I still day dream about you. I dream about running my fingers through your hair and puling your head back so that I can fiercely kiss you deeply. To whisper into your ear and tell you that you are mine to do as I please with. I dream about how your eyes would beg me to use you and to abuse you for my twisted desires. You lips dripping wet with anticipation of what torment I might dream up next for you. To take you to the edge of cumming and then to deny you and pull you back down as your body screams out for relief. Your wrist held by the bounds of leather and chrome, you writhing to break free of the firm grip.....my helpless puppet. Just thinking of you gets me hard. So many days like this unending in desires never fulfilled....how I long for you.

My Sunshine....you are my island in the middle of my stressful days. You are the place where I go when I feel alone. You are the hope that carries me through the rough parts of my day. The fantasy and promise of something more, something exciting and titillating that is the spice of life for me. I realize clearly now that when I met you, I was so alone. I was desperate for having a connection with someone. That I needed and craved to be needed and wanted by someone. What I never expected was to find a deep love with you and that I should be so lucky to have you return that love. Though neither of us expressed that need or desire for love. I still daydream about you. In my mind, we are sick and twisted fuckers. Lustfully living out our darkest fantasies that I doubt that I will ever get to have. It is sad, but what I have gained in exchange seems a fair bargain. Yet, I still dream of you my love. I have not forgotten you after these last six years. I am sure many will say that this is sad on my part. That I am in need of help. I am getting therapy. Perhaps, writing to you here is just part of that therapy. Still, I have tears in my eyes when I really take the time to think about you. To mourn you. Unfulfilled desires, lost dreams....they die hard, even when you are dead my love. I miss you.

Misty....I was at Lake Tahoe with my girl friend's family this weekend. It was a relaxing time laying on the beach and just fallen asleep with my girl friend next to me. A rare moment to let myself just be rather than being productive all of the time. At one point, I walked to the edge of the sandy beach and let the waves roll across the fine, tan sand to touch my feet. The water was cool, the winter's snow melt now not so cold. The touch was welcome in the warmth of the sun. I took a few steps forward til I was almost kneed deep into the waters. As I peered into the waters, I saw hundreds, if not thousands of small flecks of gold dancing in the churning water. Each tiny speck of gold catching the bright sun above me. In that moment I though of you. You said you would be in the waters. I took comfort in letting the waves touch my skin. I imagined that it was you washing over me. I stared at the water lapping up at the sandy shoreline. I thought of all the tears that I shed over your passing. I remember thinking of how the waves were pulling the memory of your voice away from me and back into the larger ocean. Your voice is with me still, but it is faint. Harder to remember, but the feelings we shared have not faded. I daydream of you and the lust filled fantasies we promised each other. You still stir my soul and my loins you crazy woman. I remember you, so therefore you can not be dead to the world you left six years ago.

Misty, I am happy and I am loved. More importantly, I do love her. She knows about you. I have told her about you from the beginning. There is room in my hear to grieve you and to love you...and to love this woman in my life, who I am celebrating two years with in a few days. She is as patient with me as I am with her. We talk often and we talk about everything. Though we are so very different, we communicate well. Neither of us shies away from talking about the uncomfortable issue between us. I know that you would be happy for me. She is vanilla in the bedroom. I guess this part of me is saved just for you. My girl friend knows of my desires, but I find that they are not as strong as they used to be. Before, I focused on the activity of sex. I focused on all things external to myself. And now I try to deal with my feelings and emotions that I have long denied or buried. I have found a different type of intimacy that is deeply satisfying to me to a point where i don't long too much for the kinky sex that I so craved. Thinking of us and the idea of having kinky sex makes me smile. There is a place where you lie in my heart. I know that you would be happy for me. That I have found someone and that they found me. Just know that I will always love you my Sunshine. And in doing so, there is still room for a wonderful woman in my life next to the memory and on going love that I have for you.