sunshine
Registered User

I returned to the chatroom a few weeks ago. It was like old times again. I got lucky and was able to cyber with someone. I miss the writing. The creativity and use of my imagination. It felt good. I remember after your passing how I could not bring myself to enter the chatroom. I had no interest at all. It was hollow and empty....the pain of your death left a gaping hole in my heart. Anytime I went to the chat room, it reminded me of you. This time, it was fun. It reminded me of you, but I didn't feel the pain of your loss. At the end of it all, it reminded me of what I enjoyed doing with you. It made me miss you, but it also reminded me of what the good times were with you. My Sunshine, I do miss you....I wish you were with me today, but I accept that you cannot. It is okay.....I am going to be okay. I just wish we could have had more time together. I wish that I could have touched your face with my hand and to feel the warmth of your love.

Misty, It has been a little over a month since I visited you last. I am sorry for that...perhaps time has let slip my tight grasp of the grains of sand that are the memories that I have of you. Tonight was the first time I said the word marriage to my girl friend. She has told me this week that she sees a life for her with me. I admit that I see it too, despite our vast differences in how we see the world. We talk, we hear each other, we strive to do the little things that make our relationship better. We love each other. I am happy. She is so far from THIS world where I met you. Maybe THIS is the special place where you will always be for me. Waiting here in memory and dark fantasy. I want to hike the JMT again.....I need to. To better relive and deal with your death. To forge a better memory and to talk to you as I hike on the trail....were you follow my foot step from a heaven that I am not sure exist. I have not forgotten you....how could I?

This song reminds me of you and I posted my grief and memory of you....to my surprise, others stirred by my words....gave our love the thumbs up.

You are the side of me that I escape to when the stress is high in my life. Fortunately, I find that my life is much less stressful because of the woman that is in my life. Yet, I always come back to you in my own way. Yesterday, I was cleaning out my desk...tossing away a decade of old papers and fragments of my married life. Then I found the letter that you sent to me just before you died. The folded letter was soft and dog eared....more a tatter of paper vs. the letter first printed out so many years ago. It is stained with my tears, the anguish at the loss of never being able to hear your words in my ear. A memory seven years ago of your passing. I cherish the memory and yet struggle to recall the sound of your voice. I miss the sound of you. I remember you in songs that I hear and the words that I whisper her, which no one reads.

I am in love....I found someone who cares for me and is patient with me. I am happy. I enjoy making her laugh and caring for her. I enjoyed making you laugh too. I count myself fortunate to have found love so many times in my life. I am lucky to have had you in my life Misty and to have found love after your passing. I will always think of you fondly...I will have love for you. I carry you with me everywhere I go. You are in the waters next to me on my travels outdoors.

Misty..there are moments when I forget about you. It makes me feel bad, but I know that it is okay. It means that I am learning to let go of my grief.....my sadness. I know that you will always be a part of me. I cannot deny that. I still daydream about what could have been with us. I think that it would have been exciting, scary, amazing, and troubling all at the same time. Simply the special type of fucked up that I know that you are. Moth to the blow torch. You make me smile now. I laugh at us and the absurdity of it all. And yet I marvel at the unlikely love that we so unexpectedly found together. You gift of your love touches me even til today and gives me confidence in knowing that I am a good man worthy of love....your love and the love of others. It is your lasting gift unto me.

Tonight....my soul burns with desire. This wave of lust has taken me and I want to reach out into the night like I did with you so many years ago. I want to write, I want to express these long held desires, I want to feel the hot breath of desire on m my lips, I want to make a woman wet with desire. I want my words to fly across the screen in a hail of temptation and slow burning desires....I want to feel the promise of what was to be and never was. These desire burn with in and they are the ember of hope that has carried me all these years. The memory of you is the ghost and shadow of my night that lingers behind me with each step that I take to move forward.

Misty....part of thinks that I am insane for talking to you like THIS. Month after month, I send this messages to you in the darkness of the void that is the internet in a vain hope that it means something. I wish I could have you reply to me. Could you reach across the curtain of death to tell me something? My love and fondness for you is still here. I just am unwilling to forget you and let you go. I have someone in my life that I love and cherish. I am not alone, yet this place is about you and my unresolved feelings. My longing for you and the connection that we had. One year of time I had with you and you have touched me in a way that I am bound to you for the rest of my life and memory. Still...part of me thinks that I am nuts for carrying on like this. No one to hear me. I am left in this silence. I share my thought with you and my desires. You deserved so much more and better than you got. I remember you because you thought yourself insignificant and I am here to prove that notion wrong. My hope was that you could see value in yourself, that you could see yourself in my eyes.

I am conflicted my Sunshine. There are times when I spend time with my ex and I have a flash of a memory of something that we did together for the first time. It is a happy memory from 20 years of time together. She is a familiar ghost. She looks like the woman that I loved and sounds like her. Yet she is a stranger to me. Always before my eyes but completely beyond my grasp. Yet, I do not wish to take her in my arms. She was the woman I love and laughed with. I do not want to be with her, but there is this sadness of not being with her. Plans made for a retirement together that simply will not be. My life is filled with ghost. The ghost of my wife and of you, my dark mistress to whom I have never held in my arms, but yearned so long for you. You are the ghost of my fantasies most dark. You are my friend and my muse. You were my hope for something better in my loneliness. I am no longer alone....I have someone in my life who makes me happy. Yet, the still moments of the night, when I am a lone, I cannot but help turn my thoughts to you and all that could have been. I do miss you....I cherish the short time that we had. You are immortal now, in my memory. You never age, your voice is young and strong and slipping from my memory. I grasp the sands of time to keep you close to me, yet they fall ever steadily from my hand....no matter how tight I hold them.

It is a new year my love. I am sorry that I did not come here to visit you. Might be the first time in a while since I have skipped a month in visiting you. This place is your grave, your tombstone, as I actually do not know where your final resting place is. I come here to mourn you, to remind myself and you of my love for you, to share with you the happenings in my life so that you might smile upon me. More than anything, this is the way in which I honor you. To show the world that you matter and that you are not forgotten. I know that you would strong disapprove. You never thought that you mattered all that much in this world. I am here to tell you that you are wrong. Someone down here loves you and remembers you. My life has moved on. I am happy. The woman that I have been seeing....I have asked her to consider moving in with me...part time for now, but I see a future with her. She knows about you. She lets me have space in my heart for you. Just know that I am happy, but THIS place is reserved for you and I. Miss you.