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thank you,
for reminding me
and for showing me
for bringing back the cold.


its better this way
if i’m in ice i can’t feel
if i’m frozen
i can’t cry


if i’m numb,
i can’t move to hold you
and find nothing is there
but empty dead air

Breathing…it’s all about breathing
And waiting…waiting for his word and his truth
The trust…the promise
The spoken totem he has given me for my peace.
I shall not falter, shall not waver from my direction
Happiness is mine
He gave it to me, and he will not take it back.
I will simply wait, and just...keep...
Breathing

With your lips not here I kiss rubies to remember.
When I can't sip from you, I put my lip on the cup's lip.
Instead of reaching into your sky, I kneel
and take handfuls of earth.
~Rumi

This heart is such a complicated thing… full of wants and desires…never fully satisfied, never filling up. I want my heart to be full!

It’s true that that the hunger can be sweet…and the meat sweeter…but i am tired of this hunt, the wounds…the endless searching and ...

When you are gone, all the nervous energy closes in on me…the soft insanity that gathers around the edges of my mind, seducing me…consuming me…then raging into my soul. All my fears whispered, hushed and insistent, into covered ears….then screamed out of open, silent lips!

I reach into emptiness…dead air and darkness…searching…

And then…in a moment…you are there!
And i breathe!
And i weep!

You murmur your power into the buzzing greyness of my head, ...

How can it just keep getting better? Every time i think “this is it…this was the best” he pulls me down a little further…deeper into his arms, his heart, his passion. He is patient with my moods, tender with my needs… taking from me all he desires, but giving back so much more! He coaxes from me the hunger to give my all…beyond my ability…the desperate need to please him becoming perfect surrender.

And he takes from me my breath again…...and again!

The darker side of me, who knew? Who could have possibly guessed what an evil bitch i am. There’s a fire inside of me…it burns hot, and fast…Go ahead…get close. I’ll burn you like i have all the rest...Then i’ll cry for you, and i’ll cry for me, but all the tears won’t put out that fire.

And i’ll watch you, just as i have all the rest, walk away scorched and scarred.

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.”
~Erica Jong

I WON’T lose my happiness… i will fight for it, kicking and screaming. The time is fast approaching where i wont lay down anymore…won’t stay silent, in the shadows where i’m forced ...

For my Sir...every day you show me a deeper love, a richer understanding...you make me feel beautiful and special, and i want the world to know how important you are to me.


This is my world…
Bonds forged of words
Fetters made of emotion
Pleasures made from hurts
That only the mind can see

And in this world
I found the quintessence of bliss
Passions that smolder dark
And a love that burns hotter
Than fiery ...

Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

A week of decisions…choices…life changing, terrible, wonderful….heart-wrenching and fulfilling…a gamut of emotions both building up and destroying those around me. Thank you, vicmal, for your wall…you reminded me that this insanity is not just my own. Thank you for those who have held me up, nurtured me, loved me even when i could not return their ardor.

I will trust that ...

Sometimes what seems like surrender isn't surrender at all. It's about what's going on in our hearts. About seeing clearly the way life is and accepting it and being true to it, whatever the pain, because the pain of not being true to it is far, far greater.
~ Nicholas Evans

Surrender…what an erotic word. But it has two sides…a double edged sword perhaps. When the sub surrenders themself so completely as to lose themself…how do they get it all back? How the hell do you get ...